Learning to Live again is killing me....

Well, at least I thought so. I wrote this about a week ago. Not about my ex husband, but the old boyfriend.

why?

your failure to love me
makes me feel like a fool
like
you played me and laid me
as though there was love once -
yeah, you said
that it was true

you saved me from doom,
made me whole
again,
then took me back to this love-ruin

but why?
i loved
you with all there was left of me
i tried with all the force in my life
i
gave the best of me until there was nothing left to give
and it was never
enough

made the changes that you wanted
went the course of your
design
followed your path of resistance
and found that it did not
matter
baby, i'm so broken

there's nothing more i could have
done
to change this sad equation
and now you are happy
again

but why?
because i'm not cool with how it is
didn't you
know that i would have done it all
had you only asked me to?
i thought you
really wanted me
but you couldn't

It kind of seems irrelevant to post this now, especially after I have moved on. But maybe it should be some kind of testament to the power of getting over it and going forward?

Controlling Bastard

You were so damn controlling. It wasn't in an obvious fashion... just in this ever-assuming way that made me believe that you were actually saving me from myself. You got to me and made me think that talking with people about my problems, and about things that mattered to me... you made me think that was a bad thing... but it was not.

Now I watch t.v.... watch people.... and apparently I'm pretty sucky at living in a situation where people are not controlling me. I just don't seem to function the way I want to. Like I'm so scarred sometimes, that I can't even tell what is normal.

I hate what you did to me.

Letting Go...

Aw Hell, Nelson... how long am I going to make myself feel guilty for what you've done with your life? It's actually been quite funny tonight, seeing the reactions on people's faces, when they hear that you're already getting remarried.

It's been incredibly theraputic, knowing that you are moving forward. That was what I wanted, and no matter how much I try not to give a single flying flip... I'm glad that you are moving forward. NOT that it will stop me from gloating when your marriage goes up in smoke (if it does).

For the sake of your new bride... I hope you all are happy. Does she know you are an abuser? Does she know you threatened our lives? Have you screamed at her and terrified her yet? What about her babies? Have you forgotten them in the grocery store yet? For hers and their sake, I really hope that things go well for you all.

Now get your loan out of my name, and never utter my name again -- to anyone!

Maladjusted is an understatement...

Back when Josie first met Nelson, she thought it was a pretty hot idea, that Nel used to go to the strip clubs. She thought it was daring and sexy and outgoing. She never understood why he couldn't take her seriously when she tried to act that way for him.

Looking back, Josie realizes that Nelson was quite the drunk, and that he went to clubs because he could pay women to talk to him, to be nice to him. Josie tried to talk to him and be nice to him. But she would never be Tyra Banks in a bikini... so she wasn't to be taken seriously as a sexual being.

Watching an HBO special on lap-dancing, she remembered how mixed up she's always felt about strippers -- on the one hand, lots of attention because a sexual man is putty in your hands. On the other? It can be demeaning. Power is worth only as much as you are willing to pay, to get it. Respect goes only as far as one is willing to remain respectable. We girls want the attention but sometimes the price can just be too high.

All in all, Josie is just disappointed in Nelson for being such a weak and maladjusted human being. She's disappointed in herself for settling for him, and also for not sticking up for herself when she should have.

Almost a year...

Our Josie has been on her own for almost a year. I checked in with her recently to see how she's doing.

Dorothy: Nice to see you Josie. You look as hot as ever!

Josie: Thanks Dot. You little hottie. I hate you for your beautiful cheek bones and breathtaking green eyes.

D: I hate you too -- those long legs and look at how you walk in heels!

J: No duh. So why did you want to chat with me? You had to meet me at home? You wouldn't even spring for a cup of coffee?

D: It's not that... just that we haven't gone to bed yet and you were sitting there at your computer and I was laying on my bed, thinking, and thought this would be a good time to talk about this last year.

J: Cool. Well, for starters, it hasn't been easy. When I moved out of my house, it was out of fear for my own well-being. Shortly thereafter, the realization hit that I was in a seriously messed up relationship... and I, myself, was seriously messed up.

D: How do you mean?

J: Living with someone as fucked up at Nelson makes you hate yourself and everyone. The problem is that you don't realize it -- your life makes such a gradual downhill slide and there you are, a decade later plotting his death... It hit me: he almost killed himself. He could have killed me. And I was seriously entertaining the idea of one or both of us dying just to get out of the sitch.

D: Oh my. (My friend Jose' says "Oh Mike"... LOL)... So how have you coped in order to bring yourself back to center?

J: Lots of therapy, lots of talking to a wonderful man who has become my boyfriend, and dare I say -- new shoes?

D: Tell me about this man... doesn't it scare you that it's a rebound relationship?

J: Sure, it used to. Looking back at how well we didn't know each other... I sometimes wonder why he still wanted to see me. But there is no question that he is what I've wanted for a very long time. When there is a question about what we want as a couple... we can talk about it. Communication is key.

D: Communication. That's great. But is he a good kisser?

J: Is he ever! And you wouldn't believe his hands, either! Such a man. If you don't mind Dorothy, I don't really want to talk more about the last year. It was hell on wheels at times. Now that I'm also getting treatment for my depression, I see that it didn't have to be that bad. But making it that bad to start, I've learned thru research, makes the healing that much quicker and that much more complete. If there's anything that is important to me now, it's getting on with my life.

D: Any plans currently? What about the future?

J: First, I'd like to take the opportunity to thank my family and boyfriend-man for supporting me. I'm in grad school studying something I wholeheartedly believe in. For the future: who knows? Certainly my boyfriend will have something to do with it -- but I won't worry about that for now... I am my top priority (and getting my heart, mind, and body ready for the babies I want to have in the next year or two).

D: Did I hear you right? Babies?

J: Yes, but I'm tired of talking... so shut up and let's go to sleep.

D: Good night Josie.

J: Good night Dorothy, thank you for being a good conscience.

D: No problem. I'm here for you.

J: Thanks. Now shut up. Good night.

D: 'Night.

J: I'm not kidding. Shut up.

D: 'k.

J: REALLY!

-- J gets up, walks acrss the room, smacks D on the bum real hard and then goes back to her computer --

D: Ouch. 'night.

J: Yeah.

D: Um hmm.

J: deep sigh.

I'm just sayin'...

Sometimes it's hard to believe that Josie believed for so long that she was in a good marriage. But when a good marriage is what you are striving for, it's so not a stretch to think that Josie-girl was just trying, eh?

And oh did she try: lost weight, went back to college and got her degree and gained it back, moved out of state to get a good job, lost weight again, explored her sensuality on the bi side. Ya know, she tried lots of things she always wanted to try.. but in the end it was trying things to make up for that loss of marital closeness.

It's been nearly a year now, since our girl left the Evil Nelson. She went out last night but on a breath of fresh air -- Nel never approved of her going out with friends, so she did it sparingly. Josie was really careful not to go overboard on the alcohol (and at 6AM, you'd think that she's either just getting in, or that she couldn't sleep, and number two is correct), and she danced until her feet hurt.

Josie sat in a smoke-filled club and realized three things: first, that everyone else is self-conscious too. She hated her look when she went out last night, but all the boiz said "we love your tactile fashion statement". When she smiled, the room lightened. People introduced themselves. They complimented her hairstyle. THEY DANCED WITH HER. The second thing that Jos realized was that all it takes is an open attitude from you, to get people to react positively to you. She introduced herself to "Mysterious" last night and they chatted lightly.. and they danced. Later when Mysterious left and said she'd be right back... Jos didn't think too much of it when she didn't. She never saw Miss again. But they'll always have Paris -- the song that was playing at the club. (Hot little numbah!). And number three on the realization -- Okay, okay, this was at the typical after-club hangout called What-a-burger (pronounced Water Burger). It's that when Nelson and Josie were dating, he was incredibly self-centered. One time, Josie almost broke up with him because he said he did not like himself. Ding ding ding! Josie you poor little bird. Why'd you stay with him? You tried so hard and even told Nel that you knew that he couldn't be a good lover for you unless he loved himself.

So stay away from the bad boys, Josie-girl. You got a lot going for ya, even at 6 in the morning.

I hate you Neil.

Fuck you. I hate you. I hate what you did to me. You fucked me up. I fucking hate you. HATE! YOU!

Look what you did to my life. I'm a fucked up person with a fucked up version of reality. What are the 7 steps of grieving? Well, after a year, I'm finally really set on ANGER!

Everything I went thru today... I just keep seeing your sullen face (which I hate) and how you never told me anything or ever gave a royal flying fuck about anything. You never had an opinion and you made me guess at how to make me happy.

And now I've fucked everything up and I hate you.

She's better off without you....

But there is still that etherial thought that you were a necessary evil in her life. Perhaps in a different context, this may have been appropriate at one time. You hurt her and she is still scarred (and scared) because of you. You had every opportunity to make her happy. She was always trying to make you happy.

It's been so long now, she's even forgotten why she gave up on you (the exact reason, last August, not the reason why she is hurt by you, the reason that you killed her love for you). And it still hurts.

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything (?)
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known
how the king would fall
Hey who's to say
you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
but I'd of had to miss the dance

She's not bulletproof, Nel...

You always thought she was so strong and never needed anybody. She wishes that you knew the truth. But she'll never tell you. Frankly, she's glad she is gone. But there are still scars. There will always be the scars.

Blue Rodeo - Bulletproof Lyrics
Tell me one more time again just like I didn't hear you
Like I don't
know what's going through your mind, I do
I play the same game too
I know
it's hard to stop
Even when you want to
Now the moon lights up your face
and I can see you're crying
You never liked me to see you cry, it's
true
I've done some crying too
You know, the hardest part about it
Is
trying to hide it from you
It would be great to be so strong
I never
needed anybody's help to get along
But we're so scared of the silence and the
tricks that we use
O, we're careful and we're cunning, but we're easily
bruised
I don't want to lie about it, I'm not bulletproof
Well I finally
found the way to hide from all your glances
Til the waiting game we play is
through
I can, but what's the use
When all I really want to do is hide out
with you?
It would be great to be so strong
You never needed anybody's
help to get along
We're so scared of the silence and the language that we
use
Yeah we're careful and we're cunning, but we're easily bruised
I don't
wanna kid about it, I'm not bulletproof
Tell me one more time again I guess I
didn't hear you
And I don't know all the secrets that you keep inside
I
tried the same thing too
But they all come pouring out of me when I'm talking
to you
It would be great to be so strong
You never needed anybody else's
help to carry on
But I'm not waking up each morning with forgiveness I can
use
No I'm careless and I'm cruel, but I'm still easily bruised
But I'm so
tired of lying about it, I'm not bulletproof
No, and I'm not going to lie
about it, I'm not bulletproof

Josie is Singing again!!!!

Still having bad dreams about Nelson, but she hasn't spontaneously sung in years. She feels better because she's getting back to her empathetic self, too. That was always important to her, and Nelson's screwed up vision of the world was so sad and unfortunately ended up really hurting her. She's feeling "not bad"....

--Dot.

That's All Folks

The divorce of Josie and Nelson was final this past Monday. Josie is going on vacation to clear her mind and get ready for the rest of her life. Nelson is changing in a lot of ways, but is still a total prick and will probably never "get it"...

In an 11th hour appeal.... Nelson tried a couple of things to get Josie back the week and the day before the divorce was final. Josie was disgusted. She was insulted. And she did not have any intention of giving her life back.

The life, by the way, that she made for herself.

So that's it. Josie intends to let Nelson become a stranger, and to get the remainder of her posessions, her cash, and just walk away from it all. Not saying there won't be times that ol' Jos won't want me to relate an awful story or two from her previous life... but she's healed a lot since the beginning of this year, and she is totally ready to reclaim some real estate in the name of Ms. Josie, woman, scholar (not Mrs. Josie, Nelson's wife).

Hasta la Pasta,

Dorothy

First Big Day...

Next Monday, the marriage of Nelson and Josie will be over. Today, the financial part.

Have I gloated yet, Nel, that you can't take back anything you said you'd do, because it's all legal and you signed off on it? Yeah, that's right... who's in control now? Divorce waiver signed, and a monetary judgement in my favor.... hmmm... I'm not doing half-bad.

Have I told you recently, how badly you suck? You did not take me places I was interested, or even places you were interested. On the rare occasion I would take you places, I felt odd, like I had to watch over you every second, or else you'd embarass me. Oddly, I have gone out with EJ, and with Mark, and I never feel like I am taking care of them. To me, they are capable of doing that themselves.

And that sincerely makes me question what the fuck I was thinking when I fell in love with you. I wonder sometimes if you were just that hard lesson I had to learn, before really living a happy life.

I want tapioca pudding. Now. Mom's homemade.

One thing on which I agree with you: I don't like Bill Clinton. No matter what he did for the economy. Since I can't abide by liars, then I guess I can't stand G.W. either. That makes my short-list this morning, of annoyances... whether it is lying because of an active disregard for the truth... or out of simplistic stupidity.

Sigh. I guess I'll just go back to bed and not worry bout it, Nel. I'm sick of thinking of you too. When our divorce is final in a few days... I'll never be the same. And that is something I think will be very good for me.

Almost there....

Dear Nelson,

We chatted about financial stuff for the divorce today. You were pretty cold but what did I expect? Business all the way. I started going thru some of the medical supplies you put in my boxes to take with me. It made me remember how you took care of me after my surgery. The worst 4 months of my life, physically. And you took care of me every day and night because I could not.

You changed the dressings on my leg because I couldn't reach it. You bathed me because I couldn't get in the tub. Everyone said over and over again, how much you loved me for doing it. You were actually quite awesome, and that was probably one of the best parts of our married life, because you really did give me a break then.

I thought when I got better, we could be okay. You freaked out about my job. And then it started going downhill. I never knew to want anything more than you, until the first time I talked with Joe. You were right when you thought that I would have never been discontented to such a deep level if we hadn't chatted. And that is because it never occurred to me to leave your a$$.

Once I thought it.. it was all I could think about... being free from you and starting my own life. FOUR years of my life, Nel. Four years, I tried to leave you. While I knew I would have to get a better job... imagine how scary it was for me when EJ told me I needed a better job. Little did he know that he was suggesting that i needed a better life.

Just finished chatting with EJ's daughter. She's a real sweetie, and I'm probably more like her inside, than EJ... funny to me.

Listen... if $4547.72 is the price that will get you out of my life forever.. I'll be glad to pay you that. If you are actually going to pay me that.. then hot damn! Looks like I'm almost $10,000 ahead, doesn't it?

Always glad to be moving on,

Josie Marie

A crime punishable by death...

Well.. not quite....but it was one of the most dastardly things which one can do to someone they "loved".

Nelson... you were hell-bent on keeping me in line. You told me that I needed to be treated like a child because I was not mature enough to make decisions for myself. True, you were exceedingly parental to me; you mentioned over and over again that you wanted to have kids one day; you never inspired the confidence in me to have them with you. But for all my God-given intelligence... there was not any faith in my abilities.

The summer of 2002 was hard on me, but instead of being there unconditionally... you almost killed yourself. Your resistance to seeking help as a couple hurt us. I needed guidance from you but you were treating me like a child. You spied on my email, witheld affection from me.

Now, every time I have an argument with the man that I love... I expect him to tell me that he will not come and see me again until I act right, or that he wants me to give him back all of the gifts he's presented to me, or if he were here... that he would break my favourite things to prove that it's just stuff and the one you love is flesh and with feelings.

Nelson, you were such a bastard to me and breaking into my email was unconcionable! When you first did it and found that I'd told Mark that you and I were on the rocks... that only fostered a sense of isolation for me. And I made my account more secure and spent ever more time complaining about you to anyone who would listen. I delved deeper into virtual friendships and relationships.. and did some of the very things that horrified me in the past.

Yesterday I apologized for making you feel bad by me going to visit Mark for weeks at a time when we were still married. But I keep forgetting that you were pushing me into that by the horrible way you acted toward me, the lack of faith, lack of reaching out for help in an impossible situation, and because you have the emotional maturity of a marshmallow. Nelson, I'm not sorry! I'm glad we're not together any longer.

One day my hope is that I find a lover who believes in my abilities and who wants us to conquer the world as a team. I wanted to write more about what went wrong in 2002, but it was such a train-wreck that I'm not sure I can untangle it without finding another corpse or two. I'm tired now, but we'll revisit this again.

Always,
Josie

Oddly enough...

Dear Nelson,

I'm getting over you to the point where I don't even have anything to say to you when I'm upset. But I do appreciate your cooperation with me this week. I'm starting to forget some of the bad....and that is really good. Or, at least a relief.

--Josie

Dear Nelson,

I hate you. I want to stop crying. I feel like I am falling apart and I still am strong for everyone else, so I am not a burden to them. The remnants of what was our relationship is wreaking havoc on my mental condition.

Why did you let me slip away? I didn't ever plan on it ending like it did. You turned my good feeling for you to something ugly. You didn't try when you could have.

So many nights I prayed and cried out for your love... cried out for you to be there with me and all you did was let me down by not being here for me. I still cry all of the time about the lonliness I felt. I hate how you still affect my life. I hate how I am happy and then your old injuries come and stab me again.

All I ever tried to do was love you and help you and you wouldn't let me do that. I hurt so much. Because I am lonely. You make me doubt my attributes. You make me doubt myself. You make me doubt that there is anything of quality in my life. I hate you for taking my childhood.

I am th age my mom was, when I was a little girl. And I don't have any little girls or little boys. I am so raw with pain, I can't even talk to the people who love me the most. A brave face does not last long, but long enough to get everyone to stop worrying. The truth is that I sometimes am just as destrutive as I ever was.

Something happened today. I would have bragged to you about it, but it was hurtful to me and I finally stood up for myself to one who would hurt and use me. I always thought the best of everyone and I feel like I am lost faith in everyone when someone shakes it.

I don't know if I can do this much longer. I want and need to be independent and I still can't do it. It's like you did something to me so taht I don't believe that I deserve goodness, happiness, friends, financial security.

Nelson, I really though we would make it. I was scared, but I thought we would be ok. You didn't try. I wanted you to try. I wanted you to care.

The countless number of times that I cried myself to sleep because of you are lost forever. I stayed up late studying and making you dinner. You stayed up how many times? Oh yeah, you fuck. Never.

I feel so fucking worhtless. How else could I feel when thinking about our failure together. Why won't you get out of my head? I unpacked the mugs you pack for me and left at the house. You were alwast indescriminate with what you wrapped dishes when we moved. You wrapped my mugs in a surgical cloth and a curtain. Dumb fuck.

I hate moving. I want to live here for a long time, partly because I want MY place to be the one that I always think of, after I leave Oklahoma again one day. I don't think of you much, but when I do, you are everywhere. I did every for you, damn it. Everything. Even when I became infatuated with others, my head was grounded enough to take care of you.

There is not fucking enegy left in my life. I have goodness but I can't enjoye it because I am so sad. God help me.

Josie

Did you ever consider that the reason I always needed "saving" was...

because that was the only way I could get your attention?

Bleh.

Nelson,

Do you want me to tell you that you've won? What would that accomplish? I won't come back. But I think you broke my spirit finally. Does that make you happy? I think I have 4 more days until your lazy ass follows thru (or not) on your decidedly idle threat of trying to take away my car.

I have so much anxiety about you and this, I can't even think straight enough to make a plan of attack. I hate everything, including myself. This is miserable.

Josie

Oh, the things I thought I'd never say... or feel

Dearest Nelson,

Never in my wildest dreams did I think it possible for me to hold with such contempt and disdain, something which I loved so much; you. Did I ever know you at all?

For over a decade, you were the absentee spouse, showing up only when there was real trouble... but never being there to cultivate the love, trust, and faith which grows between a couple over a lifetime.

The complete lack of trust you show me now, makes me wonder why you ever stayed with me; indeed, why you claimd you wanted me back at all? With each passing day, you showed your own hatred of me by mocking my words, thinking my ideas inconsequential, and preventing me from doing pleasurable things because I ran myself ragged with housework, shopping and cooking as well as my full time job. A full time job, by the way, that did not pay as much as yours, so the only logical conclusion was that because you made more money... you got to have more free time.


I HATE YOU! That is something new for me, who was always trying something to keep your marriage together, improve me because I thought that I was the problem.

I am listening to your favourite song right now "Faith of the Heart"
You know what, you stupid fucking rat-bastard? You impotent son of a bitch? I am singing it right now, about YOU... "Nothing's gonna bend or break me... I can reach any star, 'cos I got faith of the heart."

With every ounce of hatred (and even all of my energy, you rotton cock-sucking piece of shit),

Josie

What you are... and what you are not:

Dear Nelson,

First let me tell you how much I am SO glad I am no longer bound to you. What a nightmare. Now, on with the show.

You are gross; you are not hygenic

boring; interesting

lazy; motivated

fat; fit

easily confused; bright

making me angry; pleasing me

Lucky I left when I did; Smart enough to realize that this was a good move for both of our Lives.

(editor's note: this could also be read as: Nelson is... ; EJ is...)

Always,

Josie

WHy

Nelson, you called and screamed at me about my car not being financed yet and you're saying you are trying to protect yourself. You are on the attack


Yesterday I went to the house and sat on the bed and wondered what would happen if you cane home that instant. I was feeling like we would talk... maybe talk things out to a place where we are not afraid and don't hate eachother. But it's clear that you are beyond help and beyond my concern. You asked me if there was ever a time when things could have been right? Yesterday afternoon. If you walked in and didn't gross me out with your questionable hygene... maybe had a bunch of flowers and even a picnic. It might have been different.

But I don't want that to happen. It keeps hurting me over and over, each time I "what if". Get the hell out of my life. Get out of my thoughts and minds, and never come back. Stop hurting me. Stop.

You were the only one I was ever with when we were togerher and today you even questioned that. I wanted to tell you that I had been with someone else but it would have been a lie. You asked if I wanted to be free of you so I could date when I was in New Orleans. I wished I would have told you yes, instead that it was none of your business.

Stop hurting me. Stop being afraid of me so much that you hurt me. I never set out to hurt you. You have no ball. You do all this out of fear, and it's me who YOU hurt. You are a loser in the sense that you have no confidence . I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for you. No. I pity you. Loser. Leave me alone.

Always,

Josie

For this, I truly am sorry...

Dear Nelson,

I've known who and what I am, for years. You did not know who, nor what you were until now. In my lonliness, I explored the things which you suggested. Nel, I truly thought that you were trying to get rid of me and of our relationship. I grew to view us as an open marriage, but it hurt me badly.

Hurt because I was involved with another, who didn't love me... and hurt me because I wanted you to love me and you would not express that to me. From the times I wanted us to do housework together to the times you would not go with me to the store, etc.

_________________-

Nel, I was getting ready to apologize for making you feel like second best in our marriage. But YOU made ME feel that way first. So go bugger off... and stop wasting my time!

--Josie

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...

But I'm saying it. I want to be free of you, N. I am ready. Not only because I have fallen in love with a wonderful and caring man... but because I am feeling stronger and I know that the next step in showing respect for myself, is to gain closure from you. Our marriage was not completely without merits... but I see it now as an obsession on both of our parts... something which manifested because we had so many hormones that we ignored all of the warning signals. That roller-coaster ride is no longer acceptable.

I hope that your new life is good, and that you treat your next wife very well... but we'll see what happens. I hold little faith that you can keep your new found integrity and joy in life, thru another marriage. But I still wish you the best.

J

Stay Away From Me

I'm afraid of you.... and I'm going to call the police. Perhaps they'll give me a restraining order? I'm scared Nel... and that may be irrational... but YOU DID THIS... not me.

My hate of you is fading to indifference. You DID try harder to get your guns back than to get me. Take a flying leap.

--Josie

You fucker....

I'm not sure what you're afraid of... but it shouldn't have been me. I was always trying to be a team with you. And you always said that we could take care of things alone. The email you just sent was awful. You think that because I incurred an expense, that I should bear the cosst of it. You think that since I didn't earn as much as you... I shouldn't spend as much as you.

Every home we lived in, I painted every room. Replaced electrical switches and sockets, light fixtures, installed ceiling fans, mowed the lawn, shopped, planned meals, cooked, washed the laundry.

You are a son of a bitch. I mean it. Your mom is a bitch. You think that by keeping things under wraps, that I'll be able to be bullied easier. You want a fight? Let's fitght. It will cost you more in the end. You are a sorry bastard and I am so glad you're gone.

I hope they don't give you your guns back. No one needs to be afriad of you.

What I'm trying to say... is ... Goodbye

Dear Nelson,

I found a few sets of prose that seem to say what I'm feeling...

It seems that Life
Could be compared to a giant jigsaw puzzle
With each person like each piece
Having a place where they fit perfectly
Yet so many in there need to belong...
Grab the first place they come to
Then try to make it fit

And because of this
They are never quite in harmony
With their adjoining pieces
Thus they never get to know
The way it was truly
Meant to be

````

I'm sorry that things turned out this way...
But I don't think that we were meant to be.

`````

I don't think it was selfish
That I wanted to be with you
That I wanted to share your laughter
That I wanted to protect you from your fears
That I wanted to be a part of your Life

But I admit I had my needs
I needed understanding
I needed someone to hold
I needed someone to talk to

For you can only hold a pillow
For so long
And there's only so much you can say
To a dog

````

We must realize
That others exist for us
Primarily in our own minds
And what they are
Is what we interpret
Them to be

And in many cases
The qualities they possess
Are qualities we give to them

So when someone does not live up
To what we expect them to be
We should not only question them
But also our expectations


````

All of us are born with the need to share
our lives with someone. During the years
the fulfillment of this need can be the cause
of constant concern and occasional pain.
For it can’t be fulfilled by one person
reaching, but only when two are willing
to meet halfway

`````

Nel... why were we such a roller coaster? Why such a disaster?

````

The pain we feel
When someone leaves our life
Is in direct proportion
To the joy they bring
While a part of our life

`````

From time to time
Two paths will cross
Then merge together
To appear to be one
And as such will travel
Many miles

But so often
The fortunes of the World
Make it necessary
For them to separate
In order to reach
Their own Destinations



Always,

Josie

Speachless...

Dear Nelson,

We just got off the phone. I was pretty worried about you since I needed to contact you and you haven't returned my calls or emails in a couple of weeks. This is what you said to me:

1) If I didn't file for divorce by mid-May, you were going to get an attorney.
2) You already unoficially have an attorney, and you won't say who.
3) You need to think about how much is your freedom worth to you?

Letting go...

Dear Nelson,

My counselor says that something good must've come from our relationship, our marriage... but I don't know what it is. Through all of the judgmental situations I experienced with you.. through the fights and threats and controlling behavior, we thought that we were better, more knowledable, more self-actualized than everyone else. We could have made it if we hadn't been so different.

The first instince is always to blame "if you were different.... then...." However I see now that we are and have always been incompatable. Only twice can I remember being completely at peace with you. The first was at the entire time at Casa Loma -- especially in the riding stable. The second was when we went canoing together -- especially the once on Gull Pond. Even in those instances... I did not trust that we were really on the right track. Something always shattered our moment of gladness. We would get cranky and you could never forget, even if you did forgive.

No, I didn't mean that. Sometimes you patted my shoulder and knew I was having a bad day. Damn you. We had a chance -- several chances. I hope you're happy waking up in that bed alone this morning. I keep wanting to tell you what you could have done to make me stay, but I did not want to be with you.

At the lake yesterday, I was trying to run, but everything reminded me of you. The chop on the water, the white caps, the boats in the distance. I knew that they fishermen were going for crappie, because for 12 years, you drilled crappie season into my head. I knew what their poles were rigged with, because it was important to you that I know it. The part that hurts, is that you imposed fishing on me even when I told you I didn't like it. And then you had no interest in finding another common interest with me. Wait, wait... there was diving. But it "cost too much".... Nel, I'm spending at least $800 a month on living expenses .... we couldn't afford $100 on me so that we would have a pasttime in common?

Alas, but all of that is so far in the past, it makes my head spin! Last year was too late. You made a disaster out of the year before last by urging me to do things I knew weren't right for me at the time... and then you became hateful and depressed and despondant.

Why did you feel so beholden to the things that other people said/felt/thought? I think you had a weak spirit when it came to what you really wanted. Either that, or you imposed me on yourself as a sort of love-hate punishment.

Total revelation
Nelson, marriages are not supposed to be love-hate relationships. I hated you almost as much as I hated my sister. And I also loved you that much too. It just hurts too much to go on.

Goodbye and good luck my friend.
Josie Marie

Disgusting...

Dear Nelson,

Why did I ever go out with you? You were wearing plastic "snake-skin" boots and a flannel shirt on our first date. With V05 hairdressing in your curly blonde hair, that redneck mustache, the piss-yellow glasses, and your lip kept twitching. You probably went home and pissed yourself. And you wore Brut cologne -- that's gross and I can't believe I was so desperate that we ever went on a second date. Looking back.... you had nothing compared to the guy I was already dating.

It was my fault, really. Why? Because I didn't have the balls to tell my current boyfriend that it wasn't working for me. *I NEEDED A MAN, and you seemed to want me. So as long as you were nice, I went along. Right now, Nel... even though I'm in love with a wonderful man, I don't NEED a man. I feel entirely confident that (although it would be much less enjoyable), I

You know, it's funny that this man I'm in love with... he has so many qualities that I want in a man. He's charming, he's consistently passionate about me. He cares about his health and appearance. He will do a lot for me, but he won't give me everything... which is important to note. Pastor said once not too long ago "You may love someone enough to die for them.... but do you love them enough to live for them?" That means that you love them enough to chance for them. To want to be a better person. I think you always only wanted whatever I could give to you, and not what we could be together.

Nel, your body odor was disgusting too. I'm so glad to be rid of you some days... even with all of the time I spent to make our lives beautiful and wonderful. Sure, you were afriad of me and certainly you believed in your heart that I was a bitch. But you never knew me. This man, this love of my life, has taught me so many things... One, is that we can control how we feel about things, react to things. Another, is that we can't control anything else. In actuality, I knew this... but it was hard to remember this when you were always trying to control me.

You could certainly make the argument that I was a controlling person.... but I did not actively manipulate you. God, Nel... I loved you. I swear to God I meant it. That's why I fought so hard to stay with you even when I knew it was going downhill like a snowball headed for hell. You accused me and then retreated into your own little world.




Always,

Josie... hoping to become the bane of your existance.

*Or, at least I thought I did...

You Stinkin' Rat-Bastard!

Okay, Nel, something made me so angry this morning, I couldn't see straight for a minute. There's a lot of bad feelings surrounding the Holidays... Easter included. Last year I listened to your damn mother accuse Christians of "making up" something to believe in. Also, her passive agression was only equalled by your own.

Last year, I kept running around the mountain. I was trying to get away from you freaks! Why that far, you ask? Why 3 miles at a clip? Because I climbed the rock out by the shore, so that I got good cell reception. So that I could speak with my someone who loves me. My desperation to find a way out of our sham of a marriage was equalled only by the pain and agony I was feeling because I was emotionally attached to a man who I'd never met. Can I go there? Dare I say I was in love with him, or was it the idea of him? Let's get this one thing straight: I'd been looking for someone to fill my heart and soul with the love you refused me. Been looking for at least 5 years, if not longer. So when this wonderful man came into my life and swept me off my feet.... Nel, he brought light back into my life. We talked. We walked. We encouraged eachother. We supported and loved eachother unashamed. And last Easter, I told him I couldn't betray the committment which I made to you. That was not exactly what I was hoping it would be. Nel, we talked that morning and I redirected my efforts in trying to get you to come around. I told my best friend in the universe... that I was and wanted to remain true to you. The fact is, that's probably the last time I felt that way and I regreted not being able to be with him every second until the first time that we met.

I'm totally bitter with you about all of that. But I need to Thank U for not doing anything else.... because if you had... I might not be with the love of my life right now.

By the way, Nel... I am going to write a book. There are so many manuals and magazines about how to get married. Checklists about 2 weeks before... 2 days before.... 2 months and so on and so forth. Josie is going to write a book about how a savvy woman can get a divorce without paying a lawyer. I'm going to smoke your ass in the mean-time, because it'll all be income I generated after we separated. So there.

Coming back into town tomorrow

Dear Nelson,

I've been on vacation for a week and a half, and really been enjoying myself. Today, I'm coming home from vacation, and back to all of the issues and problems of which you are a part. It's really hit me lately that the end of our marriage was something I was against, even as late as the day before you went crazy...

But I was tired of holding things together for you... it certainly wasn't for me, as I had been miserable for years, and told anyone who would listen to me. I refuse to feel guilty for getting on with a life that had been suspended by taking care of you, catering to your non-motivation, laziness, what-have-you. You formed and shaped and controlled me by not taking care of your health or hygene (plus, that was kinda gross).

Nel, I really did love you, and I really did try. The fact that you are so hostile and passive aggressive when you say that you still want me... that's just a ruse. You don't want me -- you want a wife. No, not every moment we had was unbearable, but the way you kept me was the hope of good times. You went too far and I was tired, in the end, of covering for you. I'm glad I'm done playing your game. Even though I wish I wasn't so depressed by my failure as a wife.

Josie

Humph!

Nelson,

I talked to you a few times last week. I feel like we're drifting apart a lot. I sometimes miss the closeness that I thought we had. I can't even remember right now, why I'm writing here. I think I had something to diss on you about... but I'm too excited to go and see California (and everything else that ensues).... Take Care,

Joey

Toronto, Ont.

That's where we went on our honeymoon... It was a nice place. We were so young and just starting to decide what was right for us, in our lives... how could things slide downhill so horribly? I trusted you to be a spiritual strength, and not a sink in our marriage. I looked to you, to give us direction. As our good friend once told us -- her mom was the same way, and the thing that she wanted so desperately... she eventually became, thus emasculating her father.

As a man, you guys all would be inclined to blame her mom for being a "bitch"... but for the love of your marriage, your wife, your kids, your country, and especially your God... GROW SOME BALLS MAN, and own up to your responsibility that lies within!

I hate you, Nelson, for letting me flop and flounder for so many years, thinking that something was wrong with me... when it was your neglect that drove me to the lives we lead now.

I'd left you a long time ago

Dear Nelson,

You think that my leaving you was something that happened suddenly. You had warning after warning from me. We discussed divorce on several occasions. I'm surprised at you! Well, mainly your short memory. Do you remember the time we went to church in 2001? Afterward, we ate at a mexican restaurant and I just sat there and asked you if there was joy in your life. There was none in mine and I sat there and cried while you ate your fucking fajitas. (There was never a time when you didn't show me that I didn't love you if I didn't give in to you incessant need for disgusting plates o' slop. That's all mexican food is, you know... Sloppy slop with beans and cheese. I love Chinese food and we ate it together exactly one time since we lived in this state.) So that evening after church and dinner, we went to a park and discussed ending our relationship. You told me that you loved me and wanted us to work out. I naively believed that things would change. The one time in our entire marriage, Nelson, when you were the positive one... the one time when you pulled yourself out of the murk and probably saw that we were losing it. It scared you bad enough to try. But here we are, just a few short years later, and you didn't keep trying and I don't trust you anymore. And I'm not crying today either. Fancy that.

Josie

Picking up where we left off...

So I threatened to leave you every time we had a fight and that was no way to live. Simply put, I just didn't want to leave.. so I told you I wouldn't, and that things were okay.

But that didn't keep me from hoping that my June vacation (the one where Mark offered to pick me up and take me back to Utah with him) was not ruined: you first gave me "permission" to go with Mark, which you later recinded. Why? Because it looked terrible. Even I saw that. But I hinted and wondered and questioned... for a single moment, I had hoped that Mark would swing by that night anways. You were at work and I made dinner. I stayed up all night, hoping with each set of passing headlights, that my knight was getting ready to sweep me off my feet.

There was a time when he promised to be there for me thick and thin. He likened me to a roller-coaster ride... and said he was still having fun; that he hadn't got off yet. Somewhere along the line, I think he did... but I was ready and willing to leave with him that night, and not come back. We had an agreement that if I left you, I could stay with him indefinitely... up to two whole weeks! LOL

And when we were going through all of this, Nel, you never really thought I'd leave, ever. (Even when Dr. Jeckyll confronted you about your fear of me leaving... you admitted that you thought I would never leave). Subtly, you realized that I had a real problem with the lack of sex in our relationship. Not just intercourse, but kissing and touching and intimacy. How you ever got the idea that I should pursue my fantasies with women, I'll never know -- you were always the most jealous person.

(Sidebar) Nel, I hate you for all of these changes. Remember Thursdays, in Waterford, when we ate at the Village Place every week? Tomato soup and the blue-plate special for me... Turkey Nachos for you.. and we'd split a piece of mile-high chocolate or coconut or banana cream pie. Looking back, even though Waterford wasn't the happiest for you.. we were both still trying. And back when we dated every week, we talked and had things in common, and knew what was going on with eachother's work. (end of Sidebar)

What about this bisexuality thing? Somehow you planted it in my head that it was okay to act on it. Even though, dear Nel, you know that I was the least straying and most loyal wife to be found. So I fantasized and then told you I was bi. There was a month of bliss, when you and I discussed it all within context of my new emerging sexuality. We had a peaceful calm that, if it had lasted, I would be a happy woman today. But your jealousy flared quickly when IT started communicating with me.

Nel, I have a real problem with people who do not stand firm in their convictions. You would always set aside your convictions if someone else was going to give me something or pay my way. I have news for you: money isn't everything, and neither are possessions! You thought it was all about your "allowing" me to have something you would not provide. Here's a hint: if a man is buying your wife dinner, giving her tokens of appreciation and other things... what, exactly, do you think is going on there? If you ignore her enough, she'll start looking at the other guy as though he's her husband. Remember that, loser, unless you want your second marriage to be as crappy at your first!

My point is this: I could have and would have gone the rest of my life without acting out my fantasies... but you encouraged me and I trusted you. Nel, I am in love with a man. He is good and strong and adventurous and willing to put himself on the line, to love me. Even though he fully accepts my past... I would gladly never date another woman for him. Because he gives me all of those things that you simply refused to give.

I am sick of talking to you on the phone, listening to you say "HEY, YOU KNOW, WE DID HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES IN OUR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!" You know what? That's the only reason I stayed as long as I did. And I didn't even leave when it got tough... not even when the bad started outweighing the good. NEL, I stayed until there was nothing left to stay for.

You say that NOW is the time for us to be working together. It doesn't even matter, because you gave it no effort then.. and you give it no effort now. I'm glad you'll never read this, because I can tell you that if you'd ever tried, you might have had a chance. Even now, you could call... email... ask me how I am a little more often. But you have this fucking self-righteous sense of hurt about you. I REALLY LOVED YOU. And you think that I don't love you anymore. You know what? If I wanted to be there, I would be.... I don't love you like I used to. How could I?

Let's talk about sex

Nelson,

In your email this morning, you mentioned about my bisexuality; my exploring sexual relationships with women as a reason that our marriage was a failure. You need to understand that this had nothing to do with creating the issues that you and I suffered -- rather, it was a symptom of a horrific problem.

You always witheld sex from me because either it was "bad" or "addictave" or you were tired or didn't feel well, or (says you) I'd done something wrong and you were not going to reward bad behaviour with sex... even when you wanted it. I confided to you in Minneapolis, in 2001, that I felt as though I could love more people and that freaked you out. You thought that I was talking about men... what I actually meant was Mark. Two months later, I met Mark for the first time.

Little did I know at the time, he felt I was a lunatic... but we talked long and hard about my unhappiness as a person. You and I had the worst fight of our entire marriage, because you were so insanely jealous of him. Mark and I talked every day at the office, and every night over dinner, museums, parks, coffee, etc. He told me about everyone he ever knew who'd had a divorce. I asked lots of questions. He suggested that I protect myself and try to emerge in one piece. After he left, in October 2001, I gave you until 1 June 2002 to change. If not, I planned on leaving you.

Through April, we fought just awful and I threatened to leave all of the time...
more to come later...

jos

I want to remember the bad stuff, not for the masochistic fun of it, but because I don't want a repeat in the future.

Nelson,

I know you were hurting yesterday, but it reminded me firsthand of why I'm leaving you. Do you really think that I won't fear you (even if, God forbid, I did come back to you), when you lose control and spew hatred in the manner which you did? Perhaps I've always been a bit controlling, but likewise you've never exhibited common sense. The restraint required for me to refrain from a chorus of "I hate you!"s is immense.

Josie

Cocksucker

Nelson --

Fuck off and never talk to me again. Get out of my thoughts and dreams. Get your own damn life.

--Josie

I believe it's Time for me to fly

Dear Nelson,

I need to talk to you. I want a divorce. We had our chance. A scad of chances. More tries than tears I've cried, and that's a lot. I'm getting on with my life, Nel. You are most assuredly getting on with your life. I can't exactly claim to be blameless, but neither can you. I loved you.

You took my 20s, but you can't have my 30s. You wounded my heart and my mind... never to trust the way I trusted you when you promised to protect me! Promises, promises. I'll trust myself, I guess. Unless you continue to make me believe that I can't make a decision that's believable, reasonable, and that floats. I'm walking out of the door of your life, Mister!

The lump in my throat will soften with time as will my heart. But I will never forget, never let it happen again, ever.

Goodbye,
Josie

Taking the gloves off...

Dear Nelson...

I can call you by your name today. It doesn't sock me in the gut like a sucker punch. I want to be able to say goodbye without getting all mucked in the details. But I have to get mucked... because I have to remember how bad it was.

This is the number 1 topic: your seeming acceptance of my bisexuality. You thought you were helping me by "accepting" but not really accepting the fact that I had curiosities. You thought you were helping me by fostering my fantasies. In the end, my fantasies turned into realities with your "permission". In the end, Nelson, you claimed that your drunken-fests were to "deal" with my bisexuality. But you were the one that said that booze never solved anything.

Nelson, you are a hippocrite who is not in touch with his own feelings. You allowed money to come between what was right and what was wrong. Money came between us, because you chose to work and chose to neglect me. People came between us because you allowed me to go places I damn well knew I shouldn't go (like weekends with other men... friends, but men anyways), but I was so lonely, so empty without your presence. All I ever wanted was you, Nel.

But you ruined that by showing me that I did not matter to you. I'll agree that you were depressed. I'll agree that you seem much better now that you are on medication. But your attitude toward me has not changed. You want me to come to you, and ask for everything to be right again. I don't want to be right with you. That would be denying the very thing I am learning to trust and to cherish: Me!

Continually I pray, like the dippy-bird thing that takes water in through its beak. You know, the desk-toy paperweight thingy. When I'm full, I empty out (tears) and start right over again. I have to ask myself. And now I'm asking you: what did you want in a wife? What did you expect from me?

You claimed, Nelson, to love me -- and that you were showing me your love by giving me diamonds and rubies and working hard so I didn't have to. But the neglect... the lonely home. Nel, don't do that to your next wife. I would rather live in a grass hut in Tierra del Fuego with the love of my life, than to live in the fanciest of houses, alone. You always left me alone. I went to family and church functions alone. People were asking questions and I was embarassed.

Get on with your life, Nel. I am falling in love with the thought of a life the way I wanted it to be a dozen years ago.

Josie

It's really over...

Dear Nelson,

There was about 3 nanoseconds last night, when I missed you. Your email to me gave me this little glimmer of hope that you are getting it. But Nel, you don't get it. You believe that the control was a product of the unhappiness. However my unhappiness was a product of your control.

True, I hated you with all that I have and all that I am, when you showed fear of me. I looked at you with disgust and disdain and disrespect, wondering why I settled for you. There was a time when the storms of my life were awful. You stirred them up higher and higher... only to create a safe harbor for me. I see now, that you did that as a natural reaction whenever you saw me pulling away. There was this story I read once, about a girl who had been raped. She told her new boyfriend about it and he took her to the edge and all but did it to her all over again... then he would hold her and talk sweet to her and "make it all better"... but Nel... essentially this is what you did to me. You threatened me and then made it "better".

But it's not better. I am in control of me now. And I am learning that you were right when you would tell people that I can take care of myself. I can. It always angered me when you told people that, because I thought you didn't care. I still think you were being lazy. But I know I can take care of me and I think that you could have supported me better. You think the same thing about me... so intead of arguing and going back and forth... why not just call it a wash?

I'm planning on calling you next Monday to say that it's over for good. You anger me when you allude to the fact that there's no turning back and no changing my mind once I've made it. Guess what? I prayed to God every single day that He show me the way in my marriage. If I was supposed to leave, I asked God to make my leaving something that HAD to be done, and moreover, something that could NOT be taken back.

If I have to say Goodbye seven times a day, then I will. I will find those words Nel, to explain to you that my heart does not overflow with love for you... maybe pity for what I thought we had but don't... but it ain't love honey.

Someday, you'll see I'm right, and I hope that until then, you're reasonably comfortable.

Josie

Flip-Flop-FlapJacks

Dear Nelson,

It hurt me today when you sent that email. It's like you finally saw what the hell I was trying to do. Only I'm so far past that part of my life, I'm sure we'll never pass that way again. Not together, anyways. You said that our marriage wouldn't be over unitl there was infidelity. In reality, you were unfaithful to me, with your mistress, fishing, hunting, and sometimes drinking. In reality, I was unfaithful to you with women. And now, in reality, I have been unfaithful to my marriage vows with a man.

What I can't understand is why you would forgive me all of the other crap... but you won't accept my leaving until I fuck someone else. Did you know that most marriages where infidelity occurs... they stay together? I think it's the serious lack of balls on the part of most human beings. I always told you that I would not sleep with anyone else until our marriage was over. I stuck to my part of the bargain. (the part that you didn't know, was that I waited to fall in love with this man until I told you it was over.... because I just can't and I just won't sleep with someone who I'm not in love with).

So I'm tired of your flippy-floppy acceptance of who I am... the fact that one minute you're strong, and the next minute, you're the passive loser that I knew for a decade. I think the biggest favor I've ever done you, is to leave your ass. Why? Because you're finally motivated to do something!

I always told you I found motivation attractive. I also always told you that I found your hair attractive. You chose to exhibit neither of these when we were married. It was a control scheme on your part. I hate you for that Nelson. I could have loved you right until the end. But you just couldn't (and, mind you, STILL can't) change yourself to do things my way. You're a stubborn asshole. Maybe I am too... but I'll be a stubborn asshole with a happy marriage with a man who actually loves and respects me, with my own career that my successful husband is not afraid of, and he has his own career, and we will support eachother. Those are the things that I so wanted for us. But you bailed first... so I can't wait until the day that you see that I'm happy without you. I can't wait.

--Joelle

Like a knife in my heart

Dear Nelson,

When we were living outside of Detroit, and you worked 2nd shift... I always worried because you drove all evening long. While your shift ended at Midnight, you often waited until 2 or 3 AM to come home. And your wife was always waiting for you with dinner. That was true, at least until I went back to college. Every single night. Because I loved you that much. Remember the time I made you custard filled chocolate eclairs on Valentine's day? And your favourite meal of scalloped potatoes and smoked pork chops? I worked all evening and you showed up at home, 3 hours late. I still stayed up with you and salvaged dinner and made a picnic on the livingroom floor. I lit candles and tried to make our new apartment a home for you.

Nel, it always concerned me when you would make decisions without consulting me. There were always the times you stopped at the bar on the way home. Only a few times a year, but it made me feel inadequate as a wife. I was waiting at home for you, and you found the only people you would talk to, were strangers at a bar! Or you would decide that we were going to see our folks every other weekend.

We never spent a whole weekend without going somewhere. We never made that apartment our home. It hurts me to think that we were so miserable there.

I hate thinking about the cats sometimes... because that was their first house. You couldn't even accept the love of a small animal! It had to be something in that screwed up, chemically imbalanced brain of yours... because they were just cats. And when they purred at you, it would make you cry. You hated Jonah even worse, for loving you.

There was that guy at your work who sold those stupid puzzle rings. I remember how badly you wanted one... and it would have been my distinct pleasure to buy you one. What happened? I think you bought one for yourself. I don't think it even fit right. And it was silver, so it was always a mess. Plus, you ended up losing it or something. Hell, who knows? Maybe you gave it to someone. God, do you have any idea how that killed me that you bought that ring for yourself? It was like you stabbing a knive into my heart.

Speaking of Detroit... that was the first time we threw eachother around the livingroom. I probably shoved you more, but you scared me worse. Especially when you slammed me against the door and held the kitchen knife to your chest and threatened to kill yourself. Nelson, that was in 1996. I should have left you then. You scared me so bad, I ran outside without my shoes on. I fell on the ice and hurt my knee so bad I couldn't walk. But I was afriad you were following me, so I kept running until I was behind the dumpster. I called my sister from my cell phone and was crying so hard. Until the other day, she thought you beat me up that night. So I hate her too, for not taking action. Nel... the way you screamed at me, broke my cordless phone, destroyed my favorite articles of clothing, and kicked the cats... Nel, that was abuse. I should have left you then.

After you were in the hospital while on vacation in 2002, I thought we had a new beginning -- you and I almost lost the love we had. Sometimes I wished that you would have died right there in the emergency room. We decided that we were going to rededicate our lives and love to one-another that summer. I wanted us to buy the claddagh rings and have a private ceremony in the woods. I had a spot all picked out and I wanted to give you my heart all over again. And summer came. And then autumn came. And then another year... and then another. You were dragging your feet all of the time. Then the year of our 10th anniversary came and I suggested that we take a nice anniversary trip. Do you have any idea how it gouged my heart out, when you thwarted my attempts to reach out to you? I could see our marriage slipping away... the life just slipped out of you some days. Even your flesh turned gray. And now you tell me that your tears were right at the surface? Damn you! Damn you for not telling me, for not talking to me, for letting me believe that I was a horrible wife.

Damn you, Nel, for telling me now, all of the things that I wanted you to say then. Our marriage is broken. It's not fixable. I just want the hurting to stop, so I can move forward and salvage and re-grow and reclaim my life.

Damn you! I don't think I have any anger left.

Josie

Goodbye to You

Josie has some things that she wants to say to Nelson... So until further notice... Josie has the floor.

Dearest Nelson,

This is officially considered an attempt at a goodbye letter, #1. Damn you! Damn you to hell! Who do you think you are? What were you doing? Fuck you, you bastard! I gave you every fucking thing that I had in my brain... everything in my heart, my mind... I GAVE YOU MY BODY! And you fucked my mind with your "depression" you fucked my heart with your controlling ways, and you fucked over my soul because you never fucked me at all!Fuck you!

What the hell? I know I wasn't perfect... but what the fucking hell? I gave you everything. I never held back. Not even when I wanted to. I gave you every ounce of love that i could give and it never seemed to be enough to make you happy. Your condesending attitude that something was always wrong with me... Your fucking sitting in judgement of me and my friend. You know, you fucker, you stupd fucking rat-bastard of a fucking loser attempting to be an emotionally disturbed, and emotionally controlling life-mate.... YOU fucked over my life. And I let you.

That is al for now. Go to hell and rot there you fucker.

Josie Marie

Topics to discuss:

1) Nelson accused Josie of treating him badly after taking an un-agreed-upon fishing trip (beginning of their marriage)
2) Nelson passed by the opportunity to work day shifts when he worked in Detroit
3) Nelson called Josie his fishing buddy for years... then once he called for his fishing buddy to meet him at the boat, and his Dad went out fishing with him. Josie was confused, to say the least. How many men call their wives by the same nicknames as they call their fathers?
4) Nelson promised for the preceeding week, and all weekend long, that their fishing trip was going to be a romantic weekend for the couple. Josie went trail-running while she waited for him. She was lonesome and called her friend Jim, in California. She was grieving for the love she thought she had but did not, and she cried out in the woods. At the end of the weekend, Nel said the only reason it wasn't a romantic weekend was because Jos wouldn't go out fishing at 5 AM with THEM (meaning Nel and his dad).
5) The Lori/IT thing.
6) Nel stayed calm whenever Jos would fuck up their checking account. She became apathetic because she simply didn't care about money -- Nelson was so stinking obsessive/compulsive about it. One minute working his ass off, and the next, spending his ass off. Never saving, it made Josie really angry that it was up to her to be responsible. Josie still can't keep a dime in her bank account, and she still has a difficult time balancing her check book. Mostly still out of apathy.
7) Josie's friendships with men... coworkers mostly... and how they were the positive male role models that she needed because Nelson refused to be there for her when she needed him. He would say "you can take care of yourself" and that hurt her.
8) Dr. Jekyll's assessment that Nelson's character would never change... his ambivalence is something that we did not want to, nor could we change.
9) Josie is sorry for her part in all of this. She feels guilty that her marriage did not last the way that everyone urged her to make it so. She sometimes hurt Nelson physically, sometimes emotionally, as she lashed out at him for the pain and sometimes horror of their marriage.
10) Josie's working with the "big boys" and how it made it difficult for her to open up at home and soften her heart and mind to the dedicated committment that she had to honour there.
11) Nelson's threats of suicide were merely an attempt to gain control of an "out of control" marital situation.

Some incidentals before we talk about their intimacy...

After their first date... Josie and Nelson spend every single day together until they were married, 23 months later (minus 7 days that Josie was a counselor at her church camp). Sometimes this was stifling to her, but he was always there. She took this to be a sign of him caring for her and loving her more than anything or anyone, ever. When they made mistakes, separate or together... they had a best friend in which to confide them... Nelson often suggested to Josie that he was her rock... that she didn't need to worry about her somtimes crazy decisions... because he would keep them a secret. Even to this day, as sick as it is... Josie trusts him not to tell.

But that is not the way it happened all of the time. Often, Nelson would bring up these things in front of Josie and his parents, John and Lynne. He would make fun of her and embarass her... all in the name of good fun. Josie hated that so much... but she loved Nelson. Sometimes to get back at him, she would tease him in front of her family. Then there was always hell to pay. Not in the form of physical abuse... but that Nel would want to see her... but he would not openly chat with her once they were together. He would talk down to her like a child sometimes.

Remember this is before the unlucky couple was even married. Josie knew Nelson had problems... she even urged him once or twice to seek counseling. He said that Josie was the one with problems. That Josie needed help. Josie said she didn't... but she really did start believing him.

More about treating her like a child...
Even before their marriage, Nelson made sure that Josie was financially dependent on him. She always had a job, and sometimes supported the unfortunate pair. But he knew the right things to say, to make her not trust herself. Recently Nelson told Josie how he loves to pay the bills and make sure that the house is ship-shape. Josie cried herself to sleep because she can barely pay her bills now, her house was a mess, she was sick, and her faith in Josie is ruined. She doesn't feel like she can make it and frankly, it would give her comfort if she knew that Nelson was ever right about something.

Josie sometimes would say to Nelson... "Stop treating me like a child!" To which he would reply "Stop acting like one"... and "you need to get yourself together... when you do, I will consider treating you like an adult again." The last time that happened was not even 6 months ago. Is it any wonder why Josie doesn't trust herself? She always trusted him. Now she trusts no one.