I'm not sure what you're afraid of... but it shouldn't have been me. I was always trying to be a team with you. And you always said that we could take care of things alone. The email you just sent was awful. You think that because I incurred an expense, that I should bear the cosst of it. You think that since I didn't earn as much as you... I shouldn't spend as much as you.
Every home we lived in, I painted every room. Replaced electrical switches and sockets, light fixtures, installed ceiling fans, mowed the lawn, shopped, planned meals, cooked, washed the laundry.
You are a son of a bitch. I mean it. Your mom is a bitch. You think that by keeping things under wraps, that I'll be able to be bullied easier. You want a fight? Let's fitght. It will cost you more in the end. You are a sorry bastard and I am so glad you're gone.
I hope they don't give you your guns back. No one needs to be afriad of you.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Sunday, April 25, 2004
What I'm trying to say... is ... Goodbye
Dear Nelson,
I found a few sets of prose that seem to say what I'm feeling...
It seems that Life
Could be compared to a giant jigsaw puzzle
With each person like each piece
Having a place where they fit perfectly
Yet so many in there need to belong...
Grab the first place they come to
Then try to make it fit
And because of this
They are never quite in harmony
With their adjoining pieces
Thus they never get to know
The way it was truly
Meant to be
````
I'm sorry that things turned out this way...
But I don't think that we were meant to be.
`````
I don't think it was selfish
That I wanted to be with you
That I wanted to share your laughter
That I wanted to protect you from your fears
That I wanted to be a part of your Life
But I admit I had my needs
I needed understanding
I needed someone to hold
I needed someone to talk to
For you can only hold a pillow
For so long
And there's only so much you can say
To a dog
````
We must realize
That others exist for us
Primarily in our own minds
And what they are
Is what we interpret
Them to be
And in many cases
The qualities they possess
Are qualities we give to them
So when someone does not live up
To what we expect them to be
We should not only question them
But also our expectations
````
All of us are born with the need to share
our lives with someone. During the years
the fulfillment of this need can be the cause
of constant concern and occasional pain.
For it can’t be fulfilled by one person
reaching, but only when two are willing
to meet halfway
`````
Nel... why were we such a roller coaster? Why such a disaster?
````
The pain we feel
When someone leaves our life
Is in direct proportion
To the joy they bring
While a part of our life
`````
From time to time
Two paths will cross
Then merge together
To appear to be one
And as such will travel
Many miles
But so often
The fortunes of the World
Make it necessary
For them to separate
In order to reach
Their own Destinations
Always,
Josie
I found a few sets of prose that seem to say what I'm feeling...
It seems that Life
Could be compared to a giant jigsaw puzzle
With each person like each piece
Having a place where they fit perfectly
Yet so many in there need to belong...
Grab the first place they come to
Then try to make it fit
And because of this
They are never quite in harmony
With their adjoining pieces
Thus they never get to know
The way it was truly
Meant to be
````
I'm sorry that things turned out this way...
But I don't think that we were meant to be.
`````
I don't think it was selfish
That I wanted to be with you
That I wanted to share your laughter
That I wanted to protect you from your fears
That I wanted to be a part of your Life
But I admit I had my needs
I needed understanding
I needed someone to hold
I needed someone to talk to
For you can only hold a pillow
For so long
And there's only so much you can say
To a dog
````
We must realize
That others exist for us
Primarily in our own minds
And what they are
Is what we interpret
Them to be
And in many cases
The qualities they possess
Are qualities we give to them
So when someone does not live up
To what we expect them to be
We should not only question them
But also our expectations
````
All of us are born with the need to share
our lives with someone. During the years
the fulfillment of this need can be the cause
of constant concern and occasional pain.
For it can’t be fulfilled by one person
reaching, but only when two are willing
to meet halfway
`````
Nel... why were we such a roller coaster? Why such a disaster?
````
The pain we feel
When someone leaves our life
Is in direct proportion
To the joy they bring
While a part of our life
`````
From time to time
Two paths will cross
Then merge together
To appear to be one
And as such will travel
Many miles
But so often
The fortunes of the World
Make it necessary
For them to separate
In order to reach
Their own Destinations
Always,
Josie
Monday, April 19, 2004
Speachless...
Dear Nelson,
We just got off the phone. I was pretty worried about you since I needed to contact you and you haven't returned my calls or emails in a couple of weeks. This is what you said to me:
1) If I didn't file for divorce by mid-May, you were going to get an attorney.
2) You already unoficially have an attorney, and you won't say who.
3) You need to think about how much is your freedom worth to you?
We just got off the phone. I was pretty worried about you since I needed to contact you and you haven't returned my calls or emails in a couple of weeks. This is what you said to me:
1) If I didn't file for divorce by mid-May, you were going to get an attorney.
2) You already unoficially have an attorney, and you won't say who.
3) You need to think about how much is your freedom worth to you?
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Letting go...
Dear Nelson,
My counselor says that something good must've come from our relationship, our marriage... but I don't know what it is. Through all of the judgmental situations I experienced with you.. through the fights and threats and controlling behavior, we thought that we were better, more knowledable, more self-actualized than everyone else. We could have made it if we hadn't been so different.
The first instince is always to blame "if you were different.... then...." However I see now that we are and have always been incompatable. Only twice can I remember being completely at peace with you. The first was at the entire time at Casa Loma -- especially in the riding stable. The second was when we went canoing together -- especially the once on Gull Pond. Even in those instances... I did not trust that we were really on the right track. Something always shattered our moment of gladness. We would get cranky and you could never forget, even if you did forgive.
No, I didn't mean that. Sometimes you patted my shoulder and knew I was having a bad day. Damn you. We had a chance -- several chances. I hope you're happy waking up in that bed alone this morning. I keep wanting to tell you what you could have done to make me stay, but I did not want to be with you.
At the lake yesterday, I was trying to run, but everything reminded me of you. The chop on the water, the white caps, the boats in the distance. I knew that they fishermen were going for crappie, because for 12 years, you drilled crappie season into my head. I knew what their poles were rigged with, because it was important to you that I know it. The part that hurts, is that you imposed fishing on me even when I told you I didn't like it. And then you had no interest in finding another common interest with me. Wait, wait... there was diving. But it "cost too much".... Nel, I'm spending at least $800 a month on living expenses .... we couldn't afford $100 on me so that we would have a pasttime in common?
Alas, but all of that is so far in the past, it makes my head spin! Last year was too late. You made a disaster out of the year before last by urging me to do things I knew weren't right for me at the time... and then you became hateful and depressed and despondant.
Why did you feel so beholden to the things that other people said/felt/thought? I think you had a weak spirit when it came to what you really wanted. Either that, or you imposed me on yourself as a sort of love-hate punishment.
Total revelation
Nelson, marriages are not supposed to be love-hate relationships. I hated you almost as much as I hated my sister. And I also loved you that much too. It just hurts too much to go on.
Goodbye and good luck my friend.
Josie Marie
My counselor says that something good must've come from our relationship, our marriage... but I don't know what it is. Through all of the judgmental situations I experienced with you.. through the fights and threats and controlling behavior, we thought that we were better, more knowledable, more self-actualized than everyone else. We could have made it if we hadn't been so different.
The first instince is always to blame "if you were different.... then...." However I see now that we are and have always been incompatable. Only twice can I remember being completely at peace with you. The first was at the entire time at Casa Loma -- especially in the riding stable. The second was when we went canoing together -- especially the once on Gull Pond. Even in those instances... I did not trust that we were really on the right track. Something always shattered our moment of gladness. We would get cranky and you could never forget, even if you did forgive.
No, I didn't mean that. Sometimes you patted my shoulder and knew I was having a bad day. Damn you. We had a chance -- several chances. I hope you're happy waking up in that bed alone this morning. I keep wanting to tell you what you could have done to make me stay, but I did not want to be with you.
At the lake yesterday, I was trying to run, but everything reminded me of you. The chop on the water, the white caps, the boats in the distance. I knew that they fishermen were going for crappie, because for 12 years, you drilled crappie season into my head. I knew what their poles were rigged with, because it was important to you that I know it. The part that hurts, is that you imposed fishing on me even when I told you I didn't like it. And then you had no interest in finding another common interest with me. Wait, wait... there was diving. But it "cost too much".... Nel, I'm spending at least $800 a month on living expenses .... we couldn't afford $100 on me so that we would have a pasttime in common?
Alas, but all of that is so far in the past, it makes my head spin! Last year was too late. You made a disaster out of the year before last by urging me to do things I knew weren't right for me at the time... and then you became hateful and depressed and despondant.
Why did you feel so beholden to the things that other people said/felt/thought? I think you had a weak spirit when it came to what you really wanted. Either that, or you imposed me on yourself as a sort of love-hate punishment.
Total revelation
Nelson, marriages are not supposed to be love-hate relationships. I hated you almost as much as I hated my sister. And I also loved you that much too. It just hurts too much to go on.
Goodbye and good luck my friend.
Josie Marie
Saturday, April 10, 2004
Disgusting...
Dear Nelson,
Why did I ever go out with you? You were wearing plastic "snake-skin" boots and a flannel shirt on our first date. With V05 hairdressing in your curly blonde hair, that redneck mustache, the piss-yellow glasses, and your lip kept twitching. You probably went home and pissed yourself. And you wore Brut cologne -- that's gross and I can't believe I was so desperate that we ever went on a second date. Looking back.... you had nothing compared to the guy I was already dating.
It was my fault, really. Why? Because I didn't have the balls to tell my current boyfriend that it wasn't working for me. *I NEEDED A MAN, and you seemed to want me. So as long as you were nice, I went along. Right now, Nel... even though I'm in love with a wonderful man, I don't NEED a man. I feel entirely confident that (although it would be much less enjoyable), I
You know, it's funny that this man I'm in love with... he has so many qualities that I want in a man. He's charming, he's consistently passionate about me. He cares about his health and appearance. He will do a lot for me, but he won't give me everything... which is important to note. Pastor said once not too long ago "You may love someone enough to die for them.... but do you love them enough to live for them?" That means that you love them enough to chance for them. To want to be a better person. I think you always only wanted whatever I could give to you, and not what we could be together.
Nel, your body odor was disgusting too. I'm so glad to be rid of you some days... even with all of the time I spent to make our lives beautiful and wonderful. Sure, you were afriad of me and certainly you believed in your heart that I was a bitch. But you never knew me. This man, this love of my life, has taught me so many things... One, is that we can control how we feel about things, react to things. Another, is that we can't control anything else. In actuality, I knew this... but it was hard to remember this when you were always trying to control me.
You could certainly make the argument that I was a controlling person.... but I did not actively manipulate you. God, Nel... I loved you. I swear to God I meant it. That's why I fought so hard to stay with you even when I knew it was going downhill like a snowball headed for hell. You accused me and then retreated into your own little world.
Always,
Josie... hoping to become the bane of your existance.
*Or, at least I thought I did...
Why did I ever go out with you? You were wearing plastic "snake-skin" boots and a flannel shirt on our first date. With V05 hairdressing in your curly blonde hair, that redneck mustache, the piss-yellow glasses, and your lip kept twitching. You probably went home and pissed yourself. And you wore Brut cologne -- that's gross and I can't believe I was so desperate that we ever went on a second date. Looking back.... you had nothing compared to the guy I was already dating.
It was my fault, really. Why? Because I didn't have the balls to tell my current boyfriend that it wasn't working for me. *I NEEDED A MAN, and you seemed to want me. So as long as you were nice, I went along. Right now, Nel... even though I'm in love with a wonderful man, I don't NEED a man. I feel entirely confident that (although it would be much less enjoyable), I
You know, it's funny that this man I'm in love with... he has so many qualities that I want in a man. He's charming, he's consistently passionate about me. He cares about his health and appearance. He will do a lot for me, but he won't give me everything... which is important to note. Pastor said once not too long ago "You may love someone enough to die for them.... but do you love them enough to live for them?" That means that you love them enough to chance for them. To want to be a better person. I think you always only wanted whatever I could give to you, and not what we could be together.
Nel, your body odor was disgusting too. I'm so glad to be rid of you some days... even with all of the time I spent to make our lives beautiful and wonderful. Sure, you were afriad of me and certainly you believed in your heart that I was a bitch. But you never knew me. This man, this love of my life, has taught me so many things... One, is that we can control how we feel about things, react to things. Another, is that we can't control anything else. In actuality, I knew this... but it was hard to remember this when you were always trying to control me.
You could certainly make the argument that I was a controlling person.... but I did not actively manipulate you. God, Nel... I loved you. I swear to God I meant it. That's why I fought so hard to stay with you even when I knew it was going downhill like a snowball headed for hell. You accused me and then retreated into your own little world.
Always,
Josie... hoping to become the bane of your existance.
*Or, at least I thought I did...
Friday, April 09, 2004
You Stinkin' Rat-Bastard!
Okay, Nel, something made me so angry this morning, I couldn't see straight for a minute. There's a lot of bad feelings surrounding the Holidays... Easter included. Last year I listened to your damn mother accuse Christians of "making up" something to believe in. Also, her passive agression was only equalled by your own.
Last year, I kept running around the mountain. I was trying to get away from you freaks! Why that far, you ask? Why 3 miles at a clip? Because I climbed the rock out by the shore, so that I got good cell reception. So that I could speak with my someone who loves me. My desperation to find a way out of our sham of a marriage was equalled only by the pain and agony I was feeling because I was emotionally attached to a man who I'd never met. Can I go there? Dare I say I was in love with him, or was it the idea of him? Let's get this one thing straight: I'd been looking for someone to fill my heart and soul with the love you refused me. Been looking for at least 5 years, if not longer. So when this wonderful man came into my life and swept me off my feet.... Nel, he brought light back into my life. We talked. We walked. We encouraged eachother. We supported and loved eachother unashamed. And last Easter, I told him I couldn't betray the committment which I made to you. That was not exactly what I was hoping it would be. Nel, we talked that morning and I redirected my efforts in trying to get you to come around. I told my best friend in the universe... that I was and wanted to remain true to you. The fact is, that's probably the last time I felt that way and I regreted not being able to be with him every second until the first time that we met.
I'm totally bitter with you about all of that. But I need to Thank U for not doing anything else.... because if you had... I might not be with the love of my life right now.
By the way, Nel... I am going to write a book. There are so many manuals and magazines about how to get married. Checklists about 2 weeks before... 2 days before.... 2 months and so on and so forth. Josie is going to write a book about how a savvy woman can get a divorce without paying a lawyer. I'm going to smoke your ass in the mean-time, because it'll all be income I generated after we separated. So there.
Last year, I kept running around the mountain. I was trying to get away from you freaks! Why that far, you ask? Why 3 miles at a clip? Because I climbed the rock out by the shore, so that I got good cell reception. So that I could speak with my someone who loves me. My desperation to find a way out of our sham of a marriage was equalled only by the pain and agony I was feeling because I was emotionally attached to a man who I'd never met. Can I go there? Dare I say I was in love with him, or was it the idea of him? Let's get this one thing straight: I'd been looking for someone to fill my heart and soul with the love you refused me. Been looking for at least 5 years, if not longer. So when this wonderful man came into my life and swept me off my feet.... Nel, he brought light back into my life. We talked. We walked. We encouraged eachother. We supported and loved eachother unashamed. And last Easter, I told him I couldn't betray the committment which I made to you. That was not exactly what I was hoping it would be. Nel, we talked that morning and I redirected my efforts in trying to get you to come around. I told my best friend in the universe... that I was and wanted to remain true to you. The fact is, that's probably the last time I felt that way and I regreted not being able to be with him every second until the first time that we met.
I'm totally bitter with you about all of that. But I need to Thank U for not doing anything else.... because if you had... I might not be with the love of my life right now.
By the way, Nel... I am going to write a book. There are so many manuals and magazines about how to get married. Checklists about 2 weeks before... 2 days before.... 2 months and so on and so forth. Josie is going to write a book about how a savvy woman can get a divorce without paying a lawyer. I'm going to smoke your ass in the mean-time, because it'll all be income I generated after we separated. So there.
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