Back when Josie first met Nelson, she thought it was a pretty hot idea, that Nel used to go to the strip clubs. She thought it was daring and sexy and outgoing. She never understood why he couldn't take her seriously when she tried to act that way for him.
Looking back, Josie realizes that Nelson was quite the drunk, and that he went to clubs because he could pay women to talk to him, to be nice to him. Josie tried to talk to him and be nice to him. But she would never be Tyra Banks in a bikini... so she wasn't to be taken seriously as a sexual being.
Watching an HBO special on lap-dancing, she remembered how mixed up she's always felt about strippers -- on the one hand, lots of attention because a sexual man is putty in your hands. On the other? It can be demeaning. Power is worth only as much as you are willing to pay, to get it. Respect goes only as far as one is willing to remain respectable. We girls want the attention but sometimes the price can just be too high.
All in all, Josie is just disappointed in Nelson for being such a weak and maladjusted human being. She's disappointed in herself for settling for him, and also for not sticking up for herself when she should have.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Almost a year...
Our Josie has been on her own for almost a year. I checked in with her recently to see how she's doing.
Dorothy: Nice to see you Josie. You look as hot as ever!
Josie: Thanks Dot. You little hottie. I hate you for your beautiful cheek bones and breathtaking green eyes.
D: I hate you too -- those long legs and look at how you walk in heels!
J: No duh. So why did you want to chat with me? You had to meet me at home? You wouldn't even spring for a cup of coffee?
D: It's not that... just that we haven't gone to bed yet and you were sitting there at your computer and I was laying on my bed, thinking, and thought this would be a good time to talk about this last year.
J: Cool. Well, for starters, it hasn't been easy. When I moved out of my house, it was out of fear for my own well-being. Shortly thereafter, the realization hit that I was in a seriously messed up relationship... and I, myself, was seriously messed up.
D: How do you mean?
J: Living with someone as fucked up at Nelson makes you hate yourself and everyone. The problem is that you don't realize it -- your life makes such a gradual downhill slide and there you are, a decade later plotting his death... It hit me: he almost killed himself. He could have killed me. And I was seriously entertaining the idea of one or both of us dying just to get out of the sitch.
D: Oh my. (My friend Jose' says "Oh Mike"... LOL)... So how have you coped in order to bring yourself back to center?
J: Lots of therapy, lots of talking to a wonderful man who has become my boyfriend, and dare I say -- new shoes?
D: Tell me about this man... doesn't it scare you that it's a rebound relationship?
J: Sure, it used to. Looking back at how well we didn't know each other... I sometimes wonder why he still wanted to see me. But there is no question that he is what I've wanted for a very long time. When there is a question about what we want as a couple... we can talk about it. Communication is key.
D: Communication. That's great. But is he a good kisser?
J: Is he ever! And you wouldn't believe his hands, either! Such a man. If you don't mind Dorothy, I don't really want to talk more about the last year. It was hell on wheels at times. Now that I'm also getting treatment for my depression, I see that it didn't have to be that bad. But making it that bad to start, I've learned thru research, makes the healing that much quicker and that much more complete. If there's anything that is important to me now, it's getting on with my life.
D: Any plans currently? What about the future?
J: First, I'd like to take the opportunity to thank my family and boyfriend-man for supporting me. I'm in grad school studying something I wholeheartedly believe in. For the future: who knows? Certainly my boyfriend will have something to do with it -- but I won't worry about that for now... I am my top priority (and getting my heart, mind, and body ready for the babies I want to have in the next year or two).
D: Did I hear you right? Babies?
J: Yes, but I'm tired of talking... so shut up and let's go to sleep.
D: Good night Josie.
J: Good night Dorothy, thank you for being a good conscience.
D: No problem. I'm here for you.
J: Thanks. Now shut up. Good night.
D: 'Night.
J: I'm not kidding. Shut up.
D: 'k.
J: REALLY!
-- J gets up, walks acrss the room, smacks D on the bum real hard and then goes back to her computer --
D: Ouch. 'night.
J: Yeah.
D: Um hmm.
J: deep sigh.
Dorothy: Nice to see you Josie. You look as hot as ever!
Josie: Thanks Dot. You little hottie. I hate you for your beautiful cheek bones and breathtaking green eyes.
D: I hate you too -- those long legs and look at how you walk in heels!
J: No duh. So why did you want to chat with me? You had to meet me at home? You wouldn't even spring for a cup of coffee?
D: It's not that... just that we haven't gone to bed yet and you were sitting there at your computer and I was laying on my bed, thinking, and thought this would be a good time to talk about this last year.
J: Cool. Well, for starters, it hasn't been easy. When I moved out of my house, it was out of fear for my own well-being. Shortly thereafter, the realization hit that I was in a seriously messed up relationship... and I, myself, was seriously messed up.
D: How do you mean?
J: Living with someone as fucked up at Nelson makes you hate yourself and everyone. The problem is that you don't realize it -- your life makes such a gradual downhill slide and there you are, a decade later plotting his death... It hit me: he almost killed himself. He could have killed me. And I was seriously entertaining the idea of one or both of us dying just to get out of the sitch.
D: Oh my. (My friend Jose' says "Oh Mike"... LOL)... So how have you coped in order to bring yourself back to center?
J: Lots of therapy, lots of talking to a wonderful man who has become my boyfriend, and dare I say -- new shoes?
D: Tell me about this man... doesn't it scare you that it's a rebound relationship?
J: Sure, it used to. Looking back at how well we didn't know each other... I sometimes wonder why he still wanted to see me. But there is no question that he is what I've wanted for a very long time. When there is a question about what we want as a couple... we can talk about it. Communication is key.
D: Communication. That's great. But is he a good kisser?
J: Is he ever! And you wouldn't believe his hands, either! Such a man. If you don't mind Dorothy, I don't really want to talk more about the last year. It was hell on wheels at times. Now that I'm also getting treatment for my depression, I see that it didn't have to be that bad. But making it that bad to start, I've learned thru research, makes the healing that much quicker and that much more complete. If there's anything that is important to me now, it's getting on with my life.
D: Any plans currently? What about the future?
J: First, I'd like to take the opportunity to thank my family and boyfriend-man for supporting me. I'm in grad school studying something I wholeheartedly believe in. For the future: who knows? Certainly my boyfriend will have something to do with it -- but I won't worry about that for now... I am my top priority (and getting my heart, mind, and body ready for the babies I want to have in the next year or two).
D: Did I hear you right? Babies?
J: Yes, but I'm tired of talking... so shut up and let's go to sleep.
D: Good night Josie.
J: Good night Dorothy, thank you for being a good conscience.
D: No problem. I'm here for you.
J: Thanks. Now shut up. Good night.
D: 'Night.
J: I'm not kidding. Shut up.
D: 'k.
J: REALLY!
-- J gets up, walks acrss the room, smacks D on the bum real hard and then goes back to her computer --
D: Ouch. 'night.
J: Yeah.
D: Um hmm.
J: deep sigh.
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