Oh, the things I thought I'd never say... or feel

Dearest Nelson,

Never in my wildest dreams did I think it possible for me to hold with such contempt and disdain, something which I loved so much; you. Did I ever know you at all?

For over a decade, you were the absentee spouse, showing up only when there was real trouble... but never being there to cultivate the love, trust, and faith which grows between a couple over a lifetime.

The complete lack of trust you show me now, makes me wonder why you ever stayed with me; indeed, why you claimd you wanted me back at all? With each passing day, you showed your own hatred of me by mocking my words, thinking my ideas inconsequential, and preventing me from doing pleasurable things because I ran myself ragged with housework, shopping and cooking as well as my full time job. A full time job, by the way, that did not pay as much as yours, so the only logical conclusion was that because you made more money... you got to have more free time.


I HATE YOU! That is something new for me, who was always trying something to keep your marriage together, improve me because I thought that I was the problem.

I am listening to your favourite song right now "Faith of the Heart"
You know what, you stupid fucking rat-bastard? You impotent son of a bitch? I am singing it right now, about YOU... "Nothing's gonna bend or break me... I can reach any star, 'cos I got faith of the heart."

With every ounce of hatred (and even all of my energy, you rotton cock-sucking piece of shit),

Josie

What you are... and what you are not:

Dear Nelson,

First let me tell you how much I am SO glad I am no longer bound to you. What a nightmare. Now, on with the show.

You are gross; you are not hygenic

boring; interesting

lazy; motivated

fat; fit

easily confused; bright

making me angry; pleasing me

Lucky I left when I did; Smart enough to realize that this was a good move for both of our Lives.

(editor's note: this could also be read as: Nelson is... ; EJ is...)

Always,

Josie

WHy

Nelson, you called and screamed at me about my car not being financed yet and you're saying you are trying to protect yourself. You are on the attack


Yesterday I went to the house and sat on the bed and wondered what would happen if you cane home that instant. I was feeling like we would talk... maybe talk things out to a place where we are not afraid and don't hate eachother. But it's clear that you are beyond help and beyond my concern. You asked me if there was ever a time when things could have been right? Yesterday afternoon. If you walked in and didn't gross me out with your questionable hygene... maybe had a bunch of flowers and even a picnic. It might have been different.

But I don't want that to happen. It keeps hurting me over and over, each time I "what if". Get the hell out of my life. Get out of my thoughts and minds, and never come back. Stop hurting me. Stop.

You were the only one I was ever with when we were togerher and today you even questioned that. I wanted to tell you that I had been with someone else but it would have been a lie. You asked if I wanted to be free of you so I could date when I was in New Orleans. I wished I would have told you yes, instead that it was none of your business.

Stop hurting me. Stop being afraid of me so much that you hurt me. I never set out to hurt you. You have no ball. You do all this out of fear, and it's me who YOU hurt. You are a loser in the sense that you have no confidence . I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for you. No. I pity you. Loser. Leave me alone.

Always,

Josie

For this, I truly am sorry...

Dear Nelson,

I've known who and what I am, for years. You did not know who, nor what you were until now. In my lonliness, I explored the things which you suggested. Nel, I truly thought that you were trying to get rid of me and of our relationship. I grew to view us as an open marriage, but it hurt me badly.

Hurt because I was involved with another, who didn't love me... and hurt me because I wanted you to love me and you would not express that to me. From the times I wanted us to do housework together to the times you would not go with me to the store, etc.

_________________-

Nel, I was getting ready to apologize for making you feel like second best in our marriage. But YOU made ME feel that way first. So go bugger off... and stop wasting my time!

--Josie

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...

But I'm saying it. I want to be free of you, N. I am ready. Not only because I have fallen in love with a wonderful and caring man... but because I am feeling stronger and I know that the next step in showing respect for myself, is to gain closure from you. Our marriage was not completely without merits... but I see it now as an obsession on both of our parts... something which manifested because we had so many hormones that we ignored all of the warning signals. That roller-coaster ride is no longer acceptable.

I hope that your new life is good, and that you treat your next wife very well... but we'll see what happens. I hold little faith that you can keep your new found integrity and joy in life, thru another marriage. But I still wish you the best.

J

Stay Away From Me

I'm afraid of you.... and I'm going to call the police. Perhaps they'll give me a restraining order? I'm scared Nel... and that may be irrational... but YOU DID THIS... not me.

My hate of you is fading to indifference. You DID try harder to get your guns back than to get me. Take a flying leap.

--Josie