Next Monday, the marriage of Nelson and Josie will be over. Today, the financial part.
Have I gloated yet, Nel, that you can't take back anything you said you'd do, because it's all legal and you signed off on it? Yeah, that's right... who's in control now? Divorce waiver signed, and a monetary judgement in my favor.... hmmm... I'm not doing half-bad.
Have I told you recently, how badly you suck? You did not take me places I was interested, or even places you were interested. On the rare occasion I would take you places, I felt odd, like I had to watch over you every second, or else you'd embarass me. Oddly, I have gone out with EJ, and with Mark, and I never feel like I am taking care of them. To me, they are capable of doing that themselves.
And that sincerely makes me question what the fuck I was thinking when I fell in love with you. I wonder sometimes if you were just that hard lesson I had to learn, before really living a happy life.
I want tapioca pudding. Now. Mom's homemade.
One thing on which I agree with you: I don't like Bill Clinton. No matter what he did for the economy. Since I can't abide by liars, then I guess I can't stand G.W. either. That makes my short-list this morning, of annoyances... whether it is lying because of an active disregard for the truth... or out of simplistic stupidity.
Sigh. I guess I'll just go back to bed and not worry bout it, Nel. I'm sick of thinking of you too. When our divorce is final in a few days... I'll never be the same. And that is something I think will be very good for me.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Monday, July 12, 2004
Almost there....
Dear Nelson,
We chatted about financial stuff for the divorce today. You were pretty cold but what did I expect? Business all the way. I started going thru some of the medical supplies you put in my boxes to take with me. It made me remember how you took care of me after my surgery. The worst 4 months of my life, physically. And you took care of me every day and night because I could not.
You changed the dressings on my leg because I couldn't reach it. You bathed me because I couldn't get in the tub. Everyone said over and over again, how much you loved me for doing it. You were actually quite awesome, and that was probably one of the best parts of our married life, because you really did give me a break then.
I thought when I got better, we could be okay. You freaked out about my job. And then it started going downhill. I never knew to want anything more than you, until the first time I talked with Joe. You were right when you thought that I would have never been discontented to such a deep level if we hadn't chatted. And that is because it never occurred to me to leave your a$$.
Once I thought it.. it was all I could think about... being free from you and starting my own life. FOUR years of my life, Nel. Four years, I tried to leave you. While I knew I would have to get a better job... imagine how scary it was for me when EJ told me I needed a better job. Little did he know that he was suggesting that i needed a better life.
Just finished chatting with EJ's daughter. She's a real sweetie, and I'm probably more like her inside, than EJ... funny to me.
Listen... if $4547.72 is the price that will get you out of my life forever.. I'll be glad to pay you that. If you are actually going to pay me that.. then hot damn! Looks like I'm almost $10,000 ahead, doesn't it?
Always glad to be moving on,
Josie Marie
We chatted about financial stuff for the divorce today. You were pretty cold but what did I expect? Business all the way. I started going thru some of the medical supplies you put in my boxes to take with me. It made me remember how you took care of me after my surgery. The worst 4 months of my life, physically. And you took care of me every day and night because I could not.
You changed the dressings on my leg because I couldn't reach it. You bathed me because I couldn't get in the tub. Everyone said over and over again, how much you loved me for doing it. You were actually quite awesome, and that was probably one of the best parts of our married life, because you really did give me a break then.
I thought when I got better, we could be okay. You freaked out about my job. And then it started going downhill. I never knew to want anything more than you, until the first time I talked with Joe. You were right when you thought that I would have never been discontented to such a deep level if we hadn't chatted. And that is because it never occurred to me to leave your a$$.
Once I thought it.. it was all I could think about... being free from you and starting my own life. FOUR years of my life, Nel. Four years, I tried to leave you. While I knew I would have to get a better job... imagine how scary it was for me when EJ told me I needed a better job. Little did he know that he was suggesting that i needed a better life.
Just finished chatting with EJ's daughter. She's a real sweetie, and I'm probably more like her inside, than EJ... funny to me.
Listen... if $4547.72 is the price that will get you out of my life forever.. I'll be glad to pay you that. If you are actually going to pay me that.. then hot damn! Looks like I'm almost $10,000 ahead, doesn't it?
Always glad to be moving on,
Josie Marie
Friday, July 02, 2004
A crime punishable by death...
Well.. not quite....but it was one of the most dastardly things which one can do to someone they "loved".
Nelson... you were hell-bent on keeping me in line. You told me that I needed to be treated like a child because I was not mature enough to make decisions for myself. True, you were exceedingly parental to me; you mentioned over and over again that you wanted to have kids one day; you never inspired the confidence in me to have them with you. But for all my God-given intelligence... there was not any faith in my abilities.
The summer of 2002 was hard on me, but instead of being there unconditionally... you almost killed yourself. Your resistance to seeking help as a couple hurt us. I needed guidance from you but you were treating me like a child. You spied on my email, witheld affection from me.
Now, every time I have an argument with the man that I love... I expect him to tell me that he will not come and see me again until I act right, or that he wants me to give him back all of the gifts he's presented to me, or if he were here... that he would break my favourite things to prove that it's just stuff and the one you love is flesh and with feelings.
Nelson, you were such a bastard to me and breaking into my email was unconcionable! When you first did it and found that I'd told Mark that you and I were on the rocks... that only fostered a sense of isolation for me. And I made my account more secure and spent ever more time complaining about you to anyone who would listen. I delved deeper into virtual friendships and relationships.. and did some of the very things that horrified me in the past.
Yesterday I apologized for making you feel bad by me going to visit Mark for weeks at a time when we were still married. But I keep forgetting that you were pushing me into that by the horrible way you acted toward me, the lack of faith, lack of reaching out for help in an impossible situation, and because you have the emotional maturity of a marshmallow. Nelson, I'm not sorry! I'm glad we're not together any longer.
One day my hope is that I find a lover who believes in my abilities and who wants us to conquer the world as a team. I wanted to write more about what went wrong in 2002, but it was such a train-wreck that I'm not sure I can untangle it without finding another corpse or two. I'm tired now, but we'll revisit this again.
Always,
Josie
Nelson... you were hell-bent on keeping me in line. You told me that I needed to be treated like a child because I was not mature enough to make decisions for myself. True, you were exceedingly parental to me; you mentioned over and over again that you wanted to have kids one day; you never inspired the confidence in me to have them with you. But for all my God-given intelligence... there was not any faith in my abilities.
The summer of 2002 was hard on me, but instead of being there unconditionally... you almost killed yourself. Your resistance to seeking help as a couple hurt us. I needed guidance from you but you were treating me like a child. You spied on my email, witheld affection from me.
Now, every time I have an argument with the man that I love... I expect him to tell me that he will not come and see me again until I act right, or that he wants me to give him back all of the gifts he's presented to me, or if he were here... that he would break my favourite things to prove that it's just stuff and the one you love is flesh and with feelings.
Nelson, you were such a bastard to me and breaking into my email was unconcionable! When you first did it and found that I'd told Mark that you and I were on the rocks... that only fostered a sense of isolation for me. And I made my account more secure and spent ever more time complaining about you to anyone who would listen. I delved deeper into virtual friendships and relationships.. and did some of the very things that horrified me in the past.
Yesterday I apologized for making you feel bad by me going to visit Mark for weeks at a time when we were still married. But I keep forgetting that you were pushing me into that by the horrible way you acted toward me, the lack of faith, lack of reaching out for help in an impossible situation, and because you have the emotional maturity of a marshmallow. Nelson, I'm not sorry! I'm glad we're not together any longer.
One day my hope is that I find a lover who believes in my abilities and who wants us to conquer the world as a team. I wanted to write more about what went wrong in 2002, but it was such a train-wreck that I'm not sure I can untangle it without finding another corpse or two. I'm tired now, but we'll revisit this again.
Always,
Josie
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