Dear Nelson,
There was about 3 nanoseconds last night, when I missed you. Your email to me gave me this little glimmer of hope that you are getting it. But Nel, you don't get it. You believe that the control was a product of the unhappiness. However my unhappiness was a product of your control.
True, I hated you with all that I have and all that I am, when you showed fear of me. I looked at you with disgust and disdain and disrespect, wondering why I settled for you. There was a time when the storms of my life were awful. You stirred them up higher and higher... only to create a safe harbor for me. I see now, that you did that as a natural reaction whenever you saw me pulling away. There was this story I read once, about a girl who had been raped. She told her new boyfriend about it and he took her to the edge and all but did it to her all over again... then he would hold her and talk sweet to her and "make it all better"... but Nel... essentially this is what you did to me. You threatened me and then made it "better".
But it's not better. I am in control of me now. And I am learning that you were right when you would tell people that I can take care of myself. I can. It always angered me when you told people that, because I thought you didn't care. I still think you were being lazy. But I know I can take care of me and I think that you could have supported me better. You think the same thing about me... so intead of arguing and going back and forth... why not just call it a wash?
I'm planning on calling you next Monday to say that it's over for good. You anger me when you allude to the fact that there's no turning back and no changing my mind once I've made it. Guess what? I prayed to God every single day that He show me the way in my marriage. If I was supposed to leave, I asked God to make my leaving something that HAD to be done, and moreover, something that could NOT be taken back.
If I have to say Goodbye seven times a day, then I will. I will find those words Nel, to explain to you that my heart does not overflow with love for you... maybe pity for what I thought we had but don't... but it ain't love honey.
Someday, you'll see I'm right, and I hope that until then, you're reasonably comfortable.
Josie
Friday, February 27, 2004
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Flip-Flop-FlapJacks
Dear Nelson,
It hurt me today when you sent that email. It's like you finally saw what the hell I was trying to do. Only I'm so far past that part of my life, I'm sure we'll never pass that way again. Not together, anyways. You said that our marriage wouldn't be over unitl there was infidelity. In reality, you were unfaithful to me, with your mistress, fishing, hunting, and sometimes drinking. In reality, I was unfaithful to you with women. And now, in reality, I have been unfaithful to my marriage vows with a man.
What I can't understand is why you would forgive me all of the other crap... but you won't accept my leaving until I fuck someone else. Did you know that most marriages where infidelity occurs... they stay together? I think it's the serious lack of balls on the part of most human beings. I always told you that I would not sleep with anyone else until our marriage was over. I stuck to my part of the bargain. (the part that you didn't know, was that I waited to fall in love with this man until I told you it was over.... because I just can't and I just won't sleep with someone who I'm not in love with).
So I'm tired of your flippy-floppy acceptance of who I am... the fact that one minute you're strong, and the next minute, you're the passive loser that I knew for a decade. I think the biggest favor I've ever done you, is to leave your ass. Why? Because you're finally motivated to do something!
I always told you I found motivation attractive. I also always told you that I found your hair attractive. You chose to exhibit neither of these when we were married. It was a control scheme on your part. I hate you for that Nelson. I could have loved you right until the end. But you just couldn't (and, mind you, STILL can't) change yourself to do things my way. You're a stubborn asshole. Maybe I am too... but I'll be a stubborn asshole with a happy marriage with a man who actually loves and respects me, with my own career that my successful husband is not afraid of, and he has his own career, and we will support eachother. Those are the things that I so wanted for us. But you bailed first... so I can't wait until the day that you see that I'm happy without you. I can't wait.
--Joelle
It hurt me today when you sent that email. It's like you finally saw what the hell I was trying to do. Only I'm so far past that part of my life, I'm sure we'll never pass that way again. Not together, anyways. You said that our marriage wouldn't be over unitl there was infidelity. In reality, you were unfaithful to me, with your mistress, fishing, hunting, and sometimes drinking. In reality, I was unfaithful to you with women. And now, in reality, I have been unfaithful to my marriage vows with a man.
What I can't understand is why you would forgive me all of the other crap... but you won't accept my leaving until I fuck someone else. Did you know that most marriages where infidelity occurs... they stay together? I think it's the serious lack of balls on the part of most human beings. I always told you that I would not sleep with anyone else until our marriage was over. I stuck to my part of the bargain. (the part that you didn't know, was that I waited to fall in love with this man until I told you it was over.... because I just can't and I just won't sleep with someone who I'm not in love with).
So I'm tired of your flippy-floppy acceptance of who I am... the fact that one minute you're strong, and the next minute, you're the passive loser that I knew for a decade. I think the biggest favor I've ever done you, is to leave your ass. Why? Because you're finally motivated to do something!
I always told you I found motivation attractive. I also always told you that I found your hair attractive. You chose to exhibit neither of these when we were married. It was a control scheme on your part. I hate you for that Nelson. I could have loved you right until the end. But you just couldn't (and, mind you, STILL can't) change yourself to do things my way. You're a stubborn asshole. Maybe I am too... but I'll be a stubborn asshole with a happy marriage with a man who actually loves and respects me, with my own career that my successful husband is not afraid of, and he has his own career, and we will support eachother. Those are the things that I so wanted for us. But you bailed first... so I can't wait until the day that you see that I'm happy without you. I can't wait.
--Joelle
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Like a knife in my heart
Dear Nelson,
When we were living outside of Detroit, and you worked 2nd shift... I always worried because you drove all evening long. While your shift ended at Midnight, you often waited until 2 or 3 AM to come home. And your wife was always waiting for you with dinner. That was true, at least until I went back to college. Every single night. Because I loved you that much. Remember the time I made you custard filled chocolate eclairs on Valentine's day? And your favourite meal of scalloped potatoes and smoked pork chops? I worked all evening and you showed up at home, 3 hours late. I still stayed up with you and salvaged dinner and made a picnic on the livingroom floor. I lit candles and tried to make our new apartment a home for you.
Nel, it always concerned me when you would make decisions without consulting me. There were always the times you stopped at the bar on the way home. Only a few times a year, but it made me feel inadequate as a wife. I was waiting at home for you, and you found the only people you would talk to, were strangers at a bar! Or you would decide that we were going to see our folks every other weekend.
We never spent a whole weekend without going somewhere. We never made that apartment our home. It hurts me to think that we were so miserable there.
I hate thinking about the cats sometimes... because that was their first house. You couldn't even accept the love of a small animal! It had to be something in that screwed up, chemically imbalanced brain of yours... because they were just cats. And when they purred at you, it would make you cry. You hated Jonah even worse, for loving you.
There was that guy at your work who sold those stupid puzzle rings. I remember how badly you wanted one... and it would have been my distinct pleasure to buy you one. What happened? I think you bought one for yourself. I don't think it even fit right. And it was silver, so it was always a mess. Plus, you ended up losing it or something. Hell, who knows? Maybe you gave it to someone. God, do you have any idea how that killed me that you bought that ring for yourself? It was like you stabbing a knive into my heart.
Speaking of Detroit... that was the first time we threw eachother around the livingroom. I probably shoved you more, but you scared me worse. Especially when you slammed me against the door and held the kitchen knife to your chest and threatened to kill yourself. Nelson, that was in 1996. I should have left you then. You scared me so bad, I ran outside without my shoes on. I fell on the ice and hurt my knee so bad I couldn't walk. But I was afriad you were following me, so I kept running until I was behind the dumpster. I called my sister from my cell phone and was crying so hard. Until the other day, she thought you beat me up that night. So I hate her too, for not taking action. Nel... the way you screamed at me, broke my cordless phone, destroyed my favorite articles of clothing, and kicked the cats... Nel, that was abuse. I should have left you then.
After you were in the hospital while on vacation in 2002, I thought we had a new beginning -- you and I almost lost the love we had. Sometimes I wished that you would have died right there in the emergency room. We decided that we were going to rededicate our lives and love to one-another that summer. I wanted us to buy the claddagh rings and have a private ceremony in the woods. I had a spot all picked out and I wanted to give you my heart all over again. And summer came. And then autumn came. And then another year... and then another. You were dragging your feet all of the time. Then the year of our 10th anniversary came and I suggested that we take a nice anniversary trip. Do you have any idea how it gouged my heart out, when you thwarted my attempts to reach out to you? I could see our marriage slipping away... the life just slipped out of you some days. Even your flesh turned gray. And now you tell me that your tears were right at the surface? Damn you! Damn you for not telling me, for not talking to me, for letting me believe that I was a horrible wife.
Damn you, Nel, for telling me now, all of the things that I wanted you to say then. Our marriage is broken. It's not fixable. I just want the hurting to stop, so I can move forward and salvage and re-grow and reclaim my life.
Damn you! I don't think I have any anger left.
Josie
When we were living outside of Detroit, and you worked 2nd shift... I always worried because you drove all evening long. While your shift ended at Midnight, you often waited until 2 or 3 AM to come home. And your wife was always waiting for you with dinner. That was true, at least until I went back to college. Every single night. Because I loved you that much. Remember the time I made you custard filled chocolate eclairs on Valentine's day? And your favourite meal of scalloped potatoes and smoked pork chops? I worked all evening and you showed up at home, 3 hours late. I still stayed up with you and salvaged dinner and made a picnic on the livingroom floor. I lit candles and tried to make our new apartment a home for you.
Nel, it always concerned me when you would make decisions without consulting me. There were always the times you stopped at the bar on the way home. Only a few times a year, but it made me feel inadequate as a wife. I was waiting at home for you, and you found the only people you would talk to, were strangers at a bar! Or you would decide that we were going to see our folks every other weekend.
We never spent a whole weekend without going somewhere. We never made that apartment our home. It hurts me to think that we were so miserable there.
I hate thinking about the cats sometimes... because that was their first house. You couldn't even accept the love of a small animal! It had to be something in that screwed up, chemically imbalanced brain of yours... because they were just cats. And when they purred at you, it would make you cry. You hated Jonah even worse, for loving you.
There was that guy at your work who sold those stupid puzzle rings. I remember how badly you wanted one... and it would have been my distinct pleasure to buy you one. What happened? I think you bought one for yourself. I don't think it even fit right. And it was silver, so it was always a mess. Plus, you ended up losing it or something. Hell, who knows? Maybe you gave it to someone. God, do you have any idea how that killed me that you bought that ring for yourself? It was like you stabbing a knive into my heart.
Speaking of Detroit... that was the first time we threw eachother around the livingroom. I probably shoved you more, but you scared me worse. Especially when you slammed me against the door and held the kitchen knife to your chest and threatened to kill yourself. Nelson, that was in 1996. I should have left you then. You scared me so bad, I ran outside without my shoes on. I fell on the ice and hurt my knee so bad I couldn't walk. But I was afriad you were following me, so I kept running until I was behind the dumpster. I called my sister from my cell phone and was crying so hard. Until the other day, she thought you beat me up that night. So I hate her too, for not taking action. Nel... the way you screamed at me, broke my cordless phone, destroyed my favorite articles of clothing, and kicked the cats... Nel, that was abuse. I should have left you then.
After you were in the hospital while on vacation in 2002, I thought we had a new beginning -- you and I almost lost the love we had. Sometimes I wished that you would have died right there in the emergency room. We decided that we were going to rededicate our lives and love to one-another that summer. I wanted us to buy the claddagh rings and have a private ceremony in the woods. I had a spot all picked out and I wanted to give you my heart all over again. And summer came. And then autumn came. And then another year... and then another. You were dragging your feet all of the time. Then the year of our 10th anniversary came and I suggested that we take a nice anniversary trip. Do you have any idea how it gouged my heart out, when you thwarted my attempts to reach out to you? I could see our marriage slipping away... the life just slipped out of you some days. Even your flesh turned gray. And now you tell me that your tears were right at the surface? Damn you! Damn you for not telling me, for not talking to me, for letting me believe that I was a horrible wife.
Damn you, Nel, for telling me now, all of the things that I wanted you to say then. Our marriage is broken. It's not fixable. I just want the hurting to stop, so I can move forward and salvage and re-grow and reclaim my life.
Damn you! I don't think I have any anger left.
Josie
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Goodbye to You
Josie has some things that she wants to say to Nelson... So until further notice... Josie has the floor.
Dearest Nelson,
This is officially considered an attempt at a goodbye letter, #1. Damn you! Damn you to hell! Who do you think you are? What were you doing? Fuck you, you bastard! I gave you every fucking thing that I had in my brain... everything in my heart, my mind... I GAVE YOU MY BODY! And you fucked my mind with your "depression" you fucked my heart with your controlling ways, and you fucked over my soul because you never fucked me at all!Fuck you!
What the hell? I know I wasn't perfect... but what the fucking hell? I gave you everything. I never held back. Not even when I wanted to. I gave you every ounce of love that i could give and it never seemed to be enough to make you happy. Your condesending attitude that something was always wrong with me... Your fucking sitting in judgement of me and my friend. You know, you fucker, you stupd fucking rat-bastard of a fucking loser attempting to be an emotionally disturbed, and emotionally controlling life-mate.... YOU fucked over my life. And I let you.
That is al for now. Go to hell and rot there you fucker.
Josie Marie
Dearest Nelson,
This is officially considered an attempt at a goodbye letter, #1. Damn you! Damn you to hell! Who do you think you are? What were you doing? Fuck you, you bastard! I gave you every fucking thing that I had in my brain... everything in my heart, my mind... I GAVE YOU MY BODY! And you fucked my mind with your "depression" you fucked my heart with your controlling ways, and you fucked over my soul because you never fucked me at all!Fuck you!
What the hell? I know I wasn't perfect... but what the fucking hell? I gave you everything. I never held back. Not even when I wanted to. I gave you every ounce of love that i could give and it never seemed to be enough to make you happy. Your condesending attitude that something was always wrong with me... Your fucking sitting in judgement of me and my friend. You know, you fucker, you stupd fucking rat-bastard of a fucking loser attempting to be an emotionally disturbed, and emotionally controlling life-mate.... YOU fucked over my life. And I let you.
That is al for now. Go to hell and rot there you fucker.
Josie Marie
Topics to discuss:
1) Nelson accused Josie of treating him badly after taking an un-agreed-upon fishing trip (beginning of their marriage)
2) Nelson passed by the opportunity to work day shifts when he worked in Detroit
3) Nelson called Josie his fishing buddy for years... then once he called for his fishing buddy to meet him at the boat, and his Dad went out fishing with him. Josie was confused, to say the least. How many men call their wives by the same nicknames as they call their fathers?
4) Nelson promised for the preceeding week, and all weekend long, that their fishing trip was going to be a romantic weekend for the couple. Josie went trail-running while she waited for him. She was lonesome and called her friend Jim, in California. She was grieving for the love she thought she had but did not, and she cried out in the woods. At the end of the weekend, Nel said the only reason it wasn't a romantic weekend was because Jos wouldn't go out fishing at 5 AM with THEM (meaning Nel and his dad).
5) The Lori/IT thing.
6) Nel stayed calm whenever Jos would fuck up their checking account. She became apathetic because she simply didn't care about money -- Nelson was so stinking obsessive/compulsive about it. One minute working his ass off, and the next, spending his ass off. Never saving, it made Josie really angry that it was up to her to be responsible. Josie still can't keep a dime in her bank account, and she still has a difficult time balancing her check book. Mostly still out of apathy.
7) Josie's friendships with men... coworkers mostly... and how they were the positive male role models that she needed because Nelson refused to be there for her when she needed him. He would say "you can take care of yourself" and that hurt her.
8) Dr. Jekyll's assessment that Nelson's character would never change... his ambivalence is something that we did not want to, nor could we change.
9) Josie is sorry for her part in all of this. She feels guilty that her marriage did not last the way that everyone urged her to make it so. She sometimes hurt Nelson physically, sometimes emotionally, as she lashed out at him for the pain and sometimes horror of their marriage.
10) Josie's working with the "big boys" and how it made it difficult for her to open up at home and soften her heart and mind to the dedicated committment that she had to honour there.
11) Nelson's threats of suicide were merely an attempt to gain control of an "out of control" marital situation.
2) Nelson passed by the opportunity to work day shifts when he worked in Detroit
3) Nelson called Josie his fishing buddy for years... then once he called for his fishing buddy to meet him at the boat, and his Dad went out fishing with him. Josie was confused, to say the least. How many men call their wives by the same nicknames as they call their fathers?
4) Nelson promised for the preceeding week, and all weekend long, that their fishing trip was going to be a romantic weekend for the couple. Josie went trail-running while she waited for him. She was lonesome and called her friend Jim, in California. She was grieving for the love she thought she had but did not, and she cried out in the woods. At the end of the weekend, Nel said the only reason it wasn't a romantic weekend was because Jos wouldn't go out fishing at 5 AM with THEM (meaning Nel and his dad).
5) The Lori/IT thing.
6) Nel stayed calm whenever Jos would fuck up their checking account. She became apathetic because she simply didn't care about money -- Nelson was so stinking obsessive/compulsive about it. One minute working his ass off, and the next, spending his ass off. Never saving, it made Josie really angry that it was up to her to be responsible. Josie still can't keep a dime in her bank account, and she still has a difficult time balancing her check book. Mostly still out of apathy.
7) Josie's friendships with men... coworkers mostly... and how they were the positive male role models that she needed because Nelson refused to be there for her when she needed him. He would say "you can take care of yourself" and that hurt her.
8) Dr. Jekyll's assessment that Nelson's character would never change... his ambivalence is something that we did not want to, nor could we change.
9) Josie is sorry for her part in all of this. She feels guilty that her marriage did not last the way that everyone urged her to make it so. She sometimes hurt Nelson physically, sometimes emotionally, as she lashed out at him for the pain and sometimes horror of their marriage.
10) Josie's working with the "big boys" and how it made it difficult for her to open up at home and soften her heart and mind to the dedicated committment that she had to honour there.
11) Nelson's threats of suicide were merely an attempt to gain control of an "out of control" marital situation.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Some incidentals before we talk about their intimacy...
After their first date... Josie and Nelson spend every single day together until they were married, 23 months later (minus 7 days that Josie was a counselor at her church camp). Sometimes this was stifling to her, but he was always there. She took this to be a sign of him caring for her and loving her more than anything or anyone, ever. When they made mistakes, separate or together... they had a best friend in which to confide them... Nelson often suggested to Josie that he was her rock... that she didn't need to worry about her somtimes crazy decisions... because he would keep them a secret. Even to this day, as sick as it is... Josie trusts him not to tell.
But that is not the way it happened all of the time. Often, Nelson would bring up these things in front of Josie and his parents, John and Lynne. He would make fun of her and embarass her... all in the name of good fun. Josie hated that so much... but she loved Nelson. Sometimes to get back at him, she would tease him in front of her family. Then there was always hell to pay. Not in the form of physical abuse... but that Nel would want to see her... but he would not openly chat with her once they were together. He would talk down to her like a child sometimes.
Remember this is before the unlucky couple was even married. Josie knew Nelson had problems... she even urged him once or twice to seek counseling. He said that Josie was the one with problems. That Josie needed help. Josie said she didn't... but she really did start believing him.
More about treating her like a child...
Even before their marriage, Nelson made sure that Josie was financially dependent on him. She always had a job, and sometimes supported the unfortunate pair. But he knew the right things to say, to make her not trust herself. Recently Nelson told Josie how he loves to pay the bills and make sure that the house is ship-shape. Josie cried herself to sleep because she can barely pay her bills now, her house was a mess, she was sick, and her faith in Josie is ruined. She doesn't feel like she can make it and frankly, it would give her comfort if she knew that Nelson was ever right about something.
Josie sometimes would say to Nelson... "Stop treating me like a child!" To which he would reply "Stop acting like one"... and "you need to get yourself together... when you do, I will consider treating you like an adult again." The last time that happened was not even 6 months ago. Is it any wonder why Josie doesn't trust herself? She always trusted him. Now she trusts no one.
But that is not the way it happened all of the time. Often, Nelson would bring up these things in front of Josie and his parents, John and Lynne. He would make fun of her and embarass her... all in the name of good fun. Josie hated that so much... but she loved Nelson. Sometimes to get back at him, she would tease him in front of her family. Then there was always hell to pay. Not in the form of physical abuse... but that Nel would want to see her... but he would not openly chat with her once they were together. He would talk down to her like a child sometimes.
Remember this is before the unlucky couple was even married. Josie knew Nelson had problems... she even urged him once or twice to seek counseling. He said that Josie was the one with problems. That Josie needed help. Josie said she didn't... but she really did start believing him.
More about treating her like a child...
Even before their marriage, Nelson made sure that Josie was financially dependent on him. She always had a job, and sometimes supported the unfortunate pair. But he knew the right things to say, to make her not trust herself. Recently Nelson told Josie how he loves to pay the bills and make sure that the house is ship-shape. Josie cried herself to sleep because she can barely pay her bills now, her house was a mess, she was sick, and her faith in Josie is ruined. She doesn't feel like she can make it and frankly, it would give her comfort if she knew that Nelson was ever right about something.
Josie sometimes would say to Nelson... "Stop treating me like a child!" To which he would reply "Stop acting like one"... and "you need to get yourself together... when you do, I will consider treating you like an adult again." The last time that happened was not even 6 months ago. Is it any wonder why Josie doesn't trust herself? She always trusted him. Now she trusts no one.
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