Dear Nelson,
I've been on vacation for a week and a half, and really been enjoying myself. Today, I'm coming home from vacation, and back to all of the issues and problems of which you are a part. It's really hit me lately that the end of our marriage was something I was against, even as late as the day before you went crazy...
But I was tired of holding things together for you... it certainly wasn't for me, as I had been miserable for years, and told anyone who would listen to me. I refuse to feel guilty for getting on with a life that had been suspended by taking care of you, catering to your non-motivation, laziness, what-have-you. You formed and shaped and controlled me by not taking care of your health or hygene (plus, that was kinda gross).
Nel, I really did love you, and I really did try. The fact that you are so hostile and passive aggressive when you say that you still want me... that's just a ruse. You don't want me -- you want a wife. No, not every moment we had was unbearable, but the way you kept me was the hope of good times. You went too far and I was tired, in the end, of covering for you. I'm glad I'm done playing your game. Even though I wish I wasn't so depressed by my failure as a wife.
Josie
Monday, March 29, 2004
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Humph!
Nelson,
I talked to you a few times last week. I feel like we're drifting apart a lot. I sometimes miss the closeness that I thought we had. I can't even remember right now, why I'm writing here. I think I had something to diss on you about... but I'm too excited to go and see California (and everything else that ensues).... Take Care,
Joey
I talked to you a few times last week. I feel like we're drifting apart a lot. I sometimes miss the closeness that I thought we had. I can't even remember right now, why I'm writing here. I think I had something to diss on you about... but I'm too excited to go and see California (and everything else that ensues).... Take Care,
Joey
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Toronto, Ont.
That's where we went on our honeymoon... It was a nice place. We were so young and just starting to decide what was right for us, in our lives... how could things slide downhill so horribly? I trusted you to be a spiritual strength, and not a sink in our marriage. I looked to you, to give us direction. As our good friend once told us -- her mom was the same way, and the thing that she wanted so desperately... she eventually became, thus emasculating her father.
As a man, you guys all would be inclined to blame her mom for being a "bitch"... but for the love of your marriage, your wife, your kids, your country, and especially your God... GROW SOME BALLS MAN, and own up to your responsibility that lies within!
I hate you, Nelson, for letting me flop and flounder for so many years, thinking that something was wrong with me... when it was your neglect that drove me to the lives we lead now.
As a man, you guys all would be inclined to blame her mom for being a "bitch"... but for the love of your marriage, your wife, your kids, your country, and especially your God... GROW SOME BALLS MAN, and own up to your responsibility that lies within!
I hate you, Nelson, for letting me flop and flounder for so many years, thinking that something was wrong with me... when it was your neglect that drove me to the lives we lead now.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
I'd left you a long time ago
Dear Nelson,
You think that my leaving you was something that happened suddenly. You had warning after warning from me. We discussed divorce on several occasions. I'm surprised at you! Well, mainly your short memory. Do you remember the time we went to church in 2001? Afterward, we ate at a mexican restaurant and I just sat there and asked you if there was joy in your life. There was none in mine and I sat there and cried while you ate your fucking fajitas. (There was never a time when you didn't show me that I didn't love you if I didn't give in to you incessant need for disgusting plates o' slop. That's all mexican food is, you know... Sloppy slop with beans and cheese. I love Chinese food and we ate it together exactly one time since we lived in this state.) So that evening after church and dinner, we went to a park and discussed ending our relationship. You told me that you loved me and wanted us to work out. I naively believed that things would change. The one time in our entire marriage, Nelson, when you were the positive one... the one time when you pulled yourself out of the murk and probably saw that we were losing it. It scared you bad enough to try. But here we are, just a few short years later, and you didn't keep trying and I don't trust you anymore. And I'm not crying today either. Fancy that.
Josie
You think that my leaving you was something that happened suddenly. You had warning after warning from me. We discussed divorce on several occasions. I'm surprised at you! Well, mainly your short memory. Do you remember the time we went to church in 2001? Afterward, we ate at a mexican restaurant and I just sat there and asked you if there was joy in your life. There was none in mine and I sat there and cried while you ate your fucking fajitas. (There was never a time when you didn't show me that I didn't love you if I didn't give in to you incessant need for disgusting plates o' slop. That's all mexican food is, you know... Sloppy slop with beans and cheese. I love Chinese food and we ate it together exactly one time since we lived in this state.) So that evening after church and dinner, we went to a park and discussed ending our relationship. You told me that you loved me and wanted us to work out. I naively believed that things would change. The one time in our entire marriage, Nelson, when you were the positive one... the one time when you pulled yourself out of the murk and probably saw that we were losing it. It scared you bad enough to try. But here we are, just a few short years later, and you didn't keep trying and I don't trust you anymore. And I'm not crying today either. Fancy that.
Josie
Picking up where we left off...
So I threatened to leave you every time we had a fight and that was no way to live. Simply put, I just didn't want to leave.. so I told you I wouldn't, and that things were okay.
But that didn't keep me from hoping that my June vacation (the one where Mark offered to pick me up and take me back to Utah with him) was not ruined: you first gave me "permission" to go with Mark, which you later recinded. Why? Because it looked terrible. Even I saw that. But I hinted and wondered and questioned... for a single moment, I had hoped that Mark would swing by that night anways. You were at work and I made dinner. I stayed up all night, hoping with each set of passing headlights, that my knight was getting ready to sweep me off my feet.
There was a time when he promised to be there for me thick and thin. He likened me to a roller-coaster ride... and said he was still having fun; that he hadn't got off yet. Somewhere along the line, I think he did... but I was ready and willing to leave with him that night, and not come back. We had an agreement that if I left you, I could stay with him indefinitely... up to two whole weeks! LOL
And when we were going through all of this, Nel, you never really thought I'd leave, ever. (Even when Dr. Jeckyll confronted you about your fear of me leaving... you admitted that you thought I would never leave). Subtly, you realized that I had a real problem with the lack of sex in our relationship. Not just intercourse, but kissing and touching and intimacy. How you ever got the idea that I should pursue my fantasies with women, I'll never know -- you were always the most jealous person.
(Sidebar) Nel, I hate you for all of these changes. Remember Thursdays, in Waterford, when we ate at the Village Place every week? Tomato soup and the blue-plate special for me... Turkey Nachos for you.. and we'd split a piece of mile-high chocolate or coconut or banana cream pie. Looking back, even though Waterford wasn't the happiest for you.. we were both still trying. And back when we dated every week, we talked and had things in common, and knew what was going on with eachother's work. (end of Sidebar)
What about this bisexuality thing? Somehow you planted it in my head that it was okay to act on it. Even though, dear Nel, you know that I was the least straying and most loyal wife to be found. So I fantasized and then told you I was bi. There was a month of bliss, when you and I discussed it all within context of my new emerging sexuality. We had a peaceful calm that, if it had lasted, I would be a happy woman today. But your jealousy flared quickly when IT started communicating with me.
Nel, I have a real problem with people who do not stand firm in their convictions. You would always set aside your convictions if someone else was going to give me something or pay my way. I have news for you: money isn't everything, and neither are possessions! You thought it was all about your "allowing" me to have something you would not provide. Here's a hint: if a man is buying your wife dinner, giving her tokens of appreciation and other things... what, exactly, do you think is going on there? If you ignore her enough, she'll start looking at the other guy as though he's her husband. Remember that, loser, unless you want your second marriage to be as crappy at your first!
My point is this: I could have and would have gone the rest of my life without acting out my fantasies... but you encouraged me and I trusted you. Nel, I am in love with a man. He is good and strong and adventurous and willing to put himself on the line, to love me. Even though he fully accepts my past... I would gladly never date another woman for him. Because he gives me all of those things that you simply refused to give.
I am sick of talking to you on the phone, listening to you say "HEY, YOU KNOW, WE DID HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES IN OUR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!" You know what? That's the only reason I stayed as long as I did. And I didn't even leave when it got tough... not even when the bad started outweighing the good. NEL, I stayed until there was nothing left to stay for.
You say that NOW is the time for us to be working together. It doesn't even matter, because you gave it no effort then.. and you give it no effort now. I'm glad you'll never read this, because I can tell you that if you'd ever tried, you might have had a chance. Even now, you could call... email... ask me how I am a little more often. But you have this fucking self-righteous sense of hurt about you. I REALLY LOVED YOU. And you think that I don't love you anymore. You know what? If I wanted to be there, I would be.... I don't love you like I used to. How could I?
But that didn't keep me from hoping that my June vacation (the one where Mark offered to pick me up and take me back to Utah with him) was not ruined: you first gave me "permission" to go with Mark, which you later recinded. Why? Because it looked terrible. Even I saw that. But I hinted and wondered and questioned... for a single moment, I had hoped that Mark would swing by that night anways. You were at work and I made dinner. I stayed up all night, hoping with each set of passing headlights, that my knight was getting ready to sweep me off my feet.
There was a time when he promised to be there for me thick and thin. He likened me to a roller-coaster ride... and said he was still having fun; that he hadn't got off yet. Somewhere along the line, I think he did... but I was ready and willing to leave with him that night, and not come back. We had an agreement that if I left you, I could stay with him indefinitely... up to two whole weeks! LOL
And when we were going through all of this, Nel, you never really thought I'd leave, ever. (Even when Dr. Jeckyll confronted you about your fear of me leaving... you admitted that you thought I would never leave). Subtly, you realized that I had a real problem with the lack of sex in our relationship. Not just intercourse, but kissing and touching and intimacy. How you ever got the idea that I should pursue my fantasies with women, I'll never know -- you were always the most jealous person.
(Sidebar) Nel, I hate you for all of these changes. Remember Thursdays, in Waterford, when we ate at the Village Place every week? Tomato soup and the blue-plate special for me... Turkey Nachos for you.. and we'd split a piece of mile-high chocolate or coconut or banana cream pie. Looking back, even though Waterford wasn't the happiest for you.. we were both still trying. And back when we dated every week, we talked and had things in common, and knew what was going on with eachother's work. (end of Sidebar)
What about this bisexuality thing? Somehow you planted it in my head that it was okay to act on it. Even though, dear Nel, you know that I was the least straying and most loyal wife to be found. So I fantasized and then told you I was bi. There was a month of bliss, when you and I discussed it all within context of my new emerging sexuality. We had a peaceful calm that, if it had lasted, I would be a happy woman today. But your jealousy flared quickly when IT started communicating with me.
Nel, I have a real problem with people who do not stand firm in their convictions. You would always set aside your convictions if someone else was going to give me something or pay my way. I have news for you: money isn't everything, and neither are possessions! You thought it was all about your "allowing" me to have something you would not provide. Here's a hint: if a man is buying your wife dinner, giving her tokens of appreciation and other things... what, exactly, do you think is going on there? If you ignore her enough, she'll start looking at the other guy as though he's her husband. Remember that, loser, unless you want your second marriage to be as crappy at your first!
My point is this: I could have and would have gone the rest of my life without acting out my fantasies... but you encouraged me and I trusted you. Nel, I am in love with a man. He is good and strong and adventurous and willing to put himself on the line, to love me. Even though he fully accepts my past... I would gladly never date another woman for him. Because he gives me all of those things that you simply refused to give.
I am sick of talking to you on the phone, listening to you say "HEY, YOU KNOW, WE DID HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES IN OUR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!" You know what? That's the only reason I stayed as long as I did. And I didn't even leave when it got tough... not even when the bad started outweighing the good. NEL, I stayed until there was nothing left to stay for.
You say that NOW is the time for us to be working together. It doesn't even matter, because you gave it no effort then.. and you give it no effort now. I'm glad you'll never read this, because I can tell you that if you'd ever tried, you might have had a chance. Even now, you could call... email... ask me how I am a little more often. But you have this fucking self-righteous sense of hurt about you. I REALLY LOVED YOU. And you think that I don't love you anymore. You know what? If I wanted to be there, I would be.... I don't love you like I used to. How could I?
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
Let's talk about sex
Nelson,
In your email this morning, you mentioned about my bisexuality; my exploring sexual relationships with women as a reason that our marriage was a failure. You need to understand that this had nothing to do with creating the issues that you and I suffered -- rather, it was a symptom of a horrific problem.
You always witheld sex from me because either it was "bad" or "addictave" or you were tired or didn't feel well, or (says you) I'd done something wrong and you were not going to reward bad behaviour with sex... even when you wanted it. I confided to you in Minneapolis, in 2001, that I felt as though I could love more people and that freaked you out. You thought that I was talking about men... what I actually meant was Mark. Two months later, I met Mark for the first time.
Little did I know at the time, he felt I was a lunatic... but we talked long and hard about my unhappiness as a person. You and I had the worst fight of our entire marriage, because you were so insanely jealous of him. Mark and I talked every day at the office, and every night over dinner, museums, parks, coffee, etc. He told me about everyone he ever knew who'd had a divorce. I asked lots of questions. He suggested that I protect myself and try to emerge in one piece. After he left, in October 2001, I gave you until 1 June 2002 to change. If not, I planned on leaving you.
Through April, we fought just awful and I threatened to leave all of the time...
more to come later...
jos
In your email this morning, you mentioned about my bisexuality; my exploring sexual relationships with women as a reason that our marriage was a failure. You need to understand that this had nothing to do with creating the issues that you and I suffered -- rather, it was a symptom of a horrific problem.
You always witheld sex from me because either it was "bad" or "addictave" or you were tired or didn't feel well, or (says you) I'd done something wrong and you were not going to reward bad behaviour with sex... even when you wanted it. I confided to you in Minneapolis, in 2001, that I felt as though I could love more people and that freaked you out. You thought that I was talking about men... what I actually meant was Mark. Two months later, I met Mark for the first time.
Little did I know at the time, he felt I was a lunatic... but we talked long and hard about my unhappiness as a person. You and I had the worst fight of our entire marriage, because you were so insanely jealous of him. Mark and I talked every day at the office, and every night over dinner, museums, parks, coffee, etc. He told me about everyone he ever knew who'd had a divorce. I asked lots of questions. He suggested that I protect myself and try to emerge in one piece. After he left, in October 2001, I gave you until 1 June 2002 to change. If not, I planned on leaving you.
Through April, we fought just awful and I threatened to leave all of the time...
more to come later...
jos
I want to remember the bad stuff, not for the masochistic fun of it, but because I don't want a repeat in the future.
Nelson,
I know you were hurting yesterday, but it reminded me firsthand of why I'm leaving you. Do you really think that I won't fear you (even if, God forbid, I did come back to you), when you lose control and spew hatred in the manner which you did? Perhaps I've always been a bit controlling, but likewise you've never exhibited common sense. The restraint required for me to refrain from a chorus of "I hate you!"s is immense.
Josie
I know you were hurting yesterday, but it reminded me firsthand of why I'm leaving you. Do you really think that I won't fear you (even if, God forbid, I did come back to you), when you lose control and spew hatred in the manner which you did? Perhaps I've always been a bit controlling, but likewise you've never exhibited common sense. The restraint required for me to refrain from a chorus of "I hate you!"s is immense.
Josie
Sunday, March 07, 2004
Cocksucker
Nelson --
Fuck off and never talk to me again. Get out of my thoughts and dreams. Get your own damn life.
--Josie
Fuck off and never talk to me again. Get out of my thoughts and dreams. Get your own damn life.
--Josie
Friday, March 05, 2004
I believe it's Time for me to fly
Dear Nelson,
I need to talk to you. I want a divorce. We had our chance. A scad of chances. More tries than tears I've cried, and that's a lot. I'm getting on with my life, Nel. You are most assuredly getting on with your life. I can't exactly claim to be blameless, but neither can you. I loved you.
You took my 20s, but you can't have my 30s. You wounded my heart and my mind... never to trust the way I trusted you when you promised to protect me! Promises, promises. I'll trust myself, I guess. Unless you continue to make me believe that I can't make a decision that's believable, reasonable, and that floats. I'm walking out of the door of your life, Mister!
The lump in my throat will soften with time as will my heart. But I will never forget, never let it happen again, ever.
Goodbye,
Josie
I need to talk to you. I want a divorce. We had our chance. A scad of chances. More tries than tears I've cried, and that's a lot. I'm getting on with my life, Nel. You are most assuredly getting on with your life. I can't exactly claim to be blameless, but neither can you. I loved you.
You took my 20s, but you can't have my 30s. You wounded my heart and my mind... never to trust the way I trusted you when you promised to protect me! Promises, promises. I'll trust myself, I guess. Unless you continue to make me believe that I can't make a decision that's believable, reasonable, and that floats. I'm walking out of the door of your life, Mister!
The lump in my throat will soften with time as will my heart. But I will never forget, never let it happen again, ever.
Goodbye,
Josie
Taking the gloves off...
Dear Nelson...
I can call you by your name today. It doesn't sock me in the gut like a sucker punch. I want to be able to say goodbye without getting all mucked in the details. But I have to get mucked... because I have to remember how bad it was.
This is the number 1 topic: your seeming acceptance of my bisexuality. You thought you were helping me by "accepting" but not really accepting the fact that I had curiosities. You thought you were helping me by fostering my fantasies. In the end, my fantasies turned into realities with your "permission". In the end, Nelson, you claimed that your drunken-fests were to "deal" with my bisexuality. But you were the one that said that booze never solved anything.
Nelson, you are a hippocrite who is not in touch with his own feelings. You allowed money to come between what was right and what was wrong. Money came between us, because you chose to work and chose to neglect me. People came between us because you allowed me to go places I damn well knew I shouldn't go (like weekends with other men... friends, but men anyways), but I was so lonely, so empty without your presence. All I ever wanted was you, Nel.
But you ruined that by showing me that I did not matter to you. I'll agree that you were depressed. I'll agree that you seem much better now that you are on medication. But your attitude toward me has not changed. You want me to come to you, and ask for everything to be right again. I don't want to be right with you. That would be denying the very thing I am learning to trust and to cherish: Me!
Continually I pray, like the dippy-bird thing that takes water in through its beak. You know, the desk-toy paperweight thingy. When I'm full, I empty out (tears) and start right over again. I have to ask myself. And now I'm asking you: what did you want in a wife? What did you expect from me?
You claimed, Nelson, to love me -- and that you were showing me your love by giving me diamonds and rubies and working hard so I didn't have to. But the neglect... the lonely home. Nel, don't do that to your next wife. I would rather live in a grass hut in Tierra del Fuego with the love of my life, than to live in the fanciest of houses, alone. You always left me alone. I went to family and church functions alone. People were asking questions and I was embarassed.
Get on with your life, Nel. I am falling in love with the thought of a life the way I wanted it to be a dozen years ago.
Josie
I can call you by your name today. It doesn't sock me in the gut like a sucker punch. I want to be able to say goodbye without getting all mucked in the details. But I have to get mucked... because I have to remember how bad it was.
This is the number 1 topic: your seeming acceptance of my bisexuality. You thought you were helping me by "accepting" but not really accepting the fact that I had curiosities. You thought you were helping me by fostering my fantasies. In the end, my fantasies turned into realities with your "permission". In the end, Nelson, you claimed that your drunken-fests were to "deal" with my bisexuality. But you were the one that said that booze never solved anything.
Nelson, you are a hippocrite who is not in touch with his own feelings. You allowed money to come between what was right and what was wrong. Money came between us, because you chose to work and chose to neglect me. People came between us because you allowed me to go places I damn well knew I shouldn't go (like weekends with other men... friends, but men anyways), but I was so lonely, so empty without your presence. All I ever wanted was you, Nel.
But you ruined that by showing me that I did not matter to you. I'll agree that you were depressed. I'll agree that you seem much better now that you are on medication. But your attitude toward me has not changed. You want me to come to you, and ask for everything to be right again. I don't want to be right with you. That would be denying the very thing I am learning to trust and to cherish: Me!
Continually I pray, like the dippy-bird thing that takes water in through its beak. You know, the desk-toy paperweight thingy. When I'm full, I empty out (tears) and start right over again. I have to ask myself. And now I'm asking you: what did you want in a wife? What did you expect from me?
You claimed, Nelson, to love me -- and that you were showing me your love by giving me diamonds and rubies and working hard so I didn't have to. But the neglect... the lonely home. Nel, don't do that to your next wife. I would rather live in a grass hut in Tierra del Fuego with the love of my life, than to live in the fanciest of houses, alone. You always left me alone. I went to family and church functions alone. People were asking questions and I was embarassed.
Get on with your life, Nel. I am falling in love with the thought of a life the way I wanted it to be a dozen years ago.
Josie
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