So I threatened to leave you every time we had a fight and that was no way to live. Simply put, I just didn't want to leave.. so I told you I wouldn't, and that things were okay.
But that didn't keep me from hoping that my June vacation (the one where Mark offered to pick me up and take me back to Utah with him) was not ruined: you first gave me "permission" to go with Mark, which you later recinded. Why? Because it looked terrible. Even I saw that. But I hinted and wondered and questioned... for a single moment, I had hoped that Mark would swing by that night anways. You were at work and I made dinner. I stayed up all night, hoping with each set of passing headlights, that my knight was getting ready to sweep me off my feet.
There was a time when he promised to be there for me thick and thin. He likened me to a roller-coaster ride... and said he was still having fun; that he hadn't got off yet. Somewhere along the line, I think he did... but I was ready and willing to leave with him that night, and not come back. We had an agreement that if I left you, I could stay with him indefinitely... up to two whole weeks! LOL
And when we were going through all of this, Nel, you never really thought I'd leave, ever. (Even when Dr. Jeckyll confronted you about your fear of me leaving... you admitted that you thought I would never leave). Subtly, you realized that I had a real problem with the lack of sex in our relationship. Not just intercourse, but kissing and touching and intimacy. How you ever got the idea that I should pursue my fantasies with women, I'll never know -- you were always the most jealous person.
(Sidebar) Nel, I hate you for all of these changes. Remember Thursdays, in Waterford, when we ate at the Village Place every week? Tomato soup and the blue-plate special for me... Turkey Nachos for you.. and we'd split a piece of mile-high chocolate or coconut or banana cream pie. Looking back, even though Waterford wasn't the happiest for you.. we were both still trying. And back when we dated every week, we talked and had things in common, and knew what was going on with eachother's work. (end of Sidebar)
What about this bisexuality thing? Somehow you planted it in my head that it was okay to act on it. Even though, dear Nel, you know that I was the least straying and most loyal wife to be found. So I fantasized and then told you I was bi. There was a month of bliss, when you and I discussed it all within context of my new emerging sexuality. We had a peaceful calm that, if it had lasted, I would be a happy woman today. But your jealousy flared quickly when IT started communicating with me.
Nel, I have a real problem with people who do not stand firm in their convictions. You would always set aside your convictions if someone else was going to give me something or pay my way. I have news for you: money isn't everything, and neither are possessions! You thought it was all about your "allowing" me to have something you would not provide. Here's a hint: if a man is buying your wife dinner, giving her tokens of appreciation and other things... what, exactly, do you think is going on there? If you ignore her enough, she'll start looking at the other guy as though he's her husband. Remember that, loser, unless you want your second marriage to be as crappy at your first!
My point is this: I could have and would have gone the rest of my life without acting out my fantasies... but you encouraged me and I trusted you. Nel, I am in love with a man. He is good and strong and adventurous and willing to put himself on the line, to love me. Even though he fully accepts my past... I would gladly never date another woman for him. Because he gives me all of those things that you simply refused to give.
I am sick of talking to you on the phone, listening to you say "HEY, YOU KNOW, WE DID HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES IN OUR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!" You know what? That's the only reason I stayed as long as I did. And I didn't even leave when it got tough... not even when the bad started outweighing the good. NEL, I stayed until there was nothing left to stay for.
You say that NOW is the time for us to be working together. It doesn't even matter, because you gave it no effort then.. and you give it no effort now. I'm glad you'll never read this, because I can tell you that if you'd ever tried, you might have had a chance. Even now, you could call... email... ask me how I am a little more often. But you have this fucking self-righteous sense of hurt about you. I REALLY LOVED YOU. And you think that I don't love you anymore. You know what? If I wanted to be there, I would be.... I don't love you like I used to. How could I?