Dear Nelson,
When we were living outside of Detroit, and you worked 2nd shift... I always worried because you drove all evening long. While your shift ended at Midnight, you often waited until 2 or 3 AM to come home. And your wife was always waiting for you with dinner. That was true, at least until I went back to college. Every single night. Because I loved you that much. Remember the time I made you custard filled chocolate eclairs on Valentine's day? And your favourite meal of scalloped potatoes and smoked pork chops? I worked all evening and you showed up at home, 3 hours late. I still stayed up with you and salvaged dinner and made a picnic on the livingroom floor. I lit candles and tried to make our new apartment a home for you.
Nel, it always concerned me when you would make decisions without consulting me. There were always the times you stopped at the bar on the way home. Only a few times a year, but it made me feel inadequate as a wife. I was waiting at home for you, and you found the only people you would talk to, were strangers at a bar! Or you would decide that we were going to see our folks every other weekend.
We never spent a whole weekend without going somewhere. We never made that apartment our home. It hurts me to think that we were so miserable there.
I hate thinking about the cats sometimes... because that was their first house. You couldn't even accept the love of a small animal! It had to be something in that screwed up, chemically imbalanced brain of yours... because they were just cats. And when they purred at you, it would make you cry. You hated Jonah even worse, for loving you.
There was that guy at your work who sold those stupid puzzle rings. I remember how badly you wanted one... and it would have been my distinct pleasure to buy you one. What happened? I think you bought one for yourself. I don't think it even fit right. And it was silver, so it was always a mess. Plus, you ended up losing it or something. Hell, who knows? Maybe you gave it to someone. God, do you have any idea how that killed me that you bought that ring for yourself? It was like you stabbing a knive into my heart.
Speaking of Detroit... that was the first time we threw eachother around the livingroom. I probably shoved you more, but you scared me worse. Especially when you slammed me against the door and held the kitchen knife to your chest and threatened to kill yourself. Nelson, that was in 1996. I should have left you then. You scared me so bad, I ran outside without my shoes on. I fell on the ice and hurt my knee so bad I couldn't walk. But I was afriad you were following me, so I kept running until I was behind the dumpster. I called my sister from my cell phone and was crying so hard. Until the other day, she thought you beat me up that night. So I hate her too, for not taking action. Nel... the way you screamed at me, broke my cordless phone, destroyed my favorite articles of clothing, and kicked the cats... Nel, that was abuse. I should have left you then.
After you were in the hospital while on vacation in 2002, I thought we had a new beginning -- you and I almost lost the love we had. Sometimes I wished that you would have died right there in the emergency room. We decided that we were going to rededicate our lives and love to one-another that summer. I wanted us to buy the claddagh rings and have a private ceremony in the woods. I had a spot all picked out and I wanted to give you my heart all over again. And summer came. And then autumn came. And then another year... and then another. You were dragging your feet all of the time. Then the year of our 10th anniversary came and I suggested that we take a nice anniversary trip. Do you have any idea how it gouged my heart out, when you thwarted my attempts to reach out to you? I could see our marriage slipping away... the life just slipped out of you some days. Even your flesh turned gray. And now you tell me that your tears were right at the surface? Damn you! Damn you for not telling me, for not talking to me, for letting me believe that I was a horrible wife.
Damn you, Nel, for telling me now, all of the things that I wanted you to say then. Our marriage is broken. It's not fixable. I just want the hurting to stop, so I can move forward and salvage and re-grow and reclaim my life.
Damn you! I don't think I have any anger left.
Josie