Dear Nelson,
There was about 3 nanoseconds last night, when I missed you. Your email to me gave me this little glimmer of hope that you are getting it. But Nel, you don't get it. You believe that the control was a product of the unhappiness. However my unhappiness was a product of your control.
True, I hated you with all that I have and all that I am, when you showed fear of me. I looked at you with disgust and disdain and disrespect, wondering why I settled for you. There was a time when the storms of my life were awful. You stirred them up higher and higher... only to create a safe harbor for me. I see now, that you did that as a natural reaction whenever you saw me pulling away. There was this story I read once, about a girl who had been raped. She told her new boyfriend about it and he took her to the edge and all but did it to her all over again... then he would hold her and talk sweet to her and "make it all better"... but Nel... essentially this is what you did to me. You threatened me and then made it "better".
But it's not better. I am in control of me now. And I am learning that you were right when you would tell people that I can take care of myself. I can. It always angered me when you told people that, because I thought you didn't care. I still think you were being lazy. But I know I can take care of me and I think that you could have supported me better. You think the same thing about me... so intead of arguing and going back and forth... why not just call it a wash?
I'm planning on calling you next Monday to say that it's over for good. You anger me when you allude to the fact that there's no turning back and no changing my mind once I've made it. Guess what? I prayed to God every single day that He show me the way in my marriage. If I was supposed to leave, I asked God to make my leaving something that HAD to be done, and moreover, something that could NOT be taken back.
If I have to say Goodbye seven times a day, then I will. I will find those words Nel, to explain to you that my heart does not overflow with love for you... maybe pity for what I thought we had but don't... but it ain't love honey.
Someday, you'll see I'm right, and I hope that until then, you're reasonably comfortable.
Josie