Well.. not quite....but it was one of the most dastardly things which one can do to someone they "loved".
Nelson... you were hell-bent on keeping me in line. You told me that I needed to be treated like a child because I was not mature enough to make decisions for myself. True, you were exceedingly parental to me; you mentioned over and over again that you wanted to have kids one day; you never inspired the confidence in me to have them with you. But for all my God-given intelligence... there was not any faith in my abilities.
The summer of 2002 was hard on me, but instead of being there unconditionally... you almost killed yourself. Your resistance to seeking help as a couple hurt us. I needed guidance from you but you were treating me like a child. You spied on my email, witheld affection from me.
Now, every time I have an argument with the man that I love... I expect him to tell me that he will not come and see me again until I act right, or that he wants me to give him back all of the gifts he's presented to me, or if he were here... that he would break my favourite things to prove that it's just stuff and the one you love is flesh and with feelings.
Nelson, you were such a bastard to me and breaking into my email was unconcionable! When you first did it and found that I'd told Mark that you and I were on the rocks... that only fostered a sense of isolation for me. And I made my account more secure and spent ever more time complaining about you to anyone who would listen. I delved deeper into virtual friendships and relationships.. and did some of the very things that horrified me in the past.
Yesterday I apologized for making you feel bad by me going to visit Mark for weeks at a time when we were still married. But I keep forgetting that you were pushing me into that by the horrible way you acted toward me, the lack of faith, lack of reaching out for help in an impossible situation, and because you have the emotional maturity of a marshmallow. Nelson, I'm not sorry! I'm glad we're not together any longer.
One day my hope is that I find a lover who believes in my abilities and who wants us to conquer the world as a team. I wanted to write more about what went wrong in 2002, but it was such a train-wreck that I'm not sure I can untangle it without finding another corpse or two. I'm tired now, but we'll revisit this again.
Always,
Josie