Dear Nelson,
My counselor says that something good must've come from our relationship, our marriage... but I don't know what it is. Through all of the judgmental situations I experienced with you.. through the fights and threats and controlling behavior, we thought that we were better, more knowledable, more self-actualized than everyone else. We could have made it if we hadn't been so different.
The first instince is always to blame "if you were different.... then...." However I see now that we are and have always been incompatable. Only twice can I remember being completely at peace with you. The first was at the entire time at Casa Loma -- especially in the riding stable. The second was when we went canoing together -- especially the once on Gull Pond. Even in those instances... I did not trust that we were really on the right track. Something always shattered our moment of gladness. We would get cranky and you could never forget, even if you did forgive.
No, I didn't mean that. Sometimes you patted my shoulder and knew I was having a bad day. Damn you. We had a chance -- several chances. I hope you're happy waking up in that bed alone this morning. I keep wanting to tell you what you could have done to make me stay, but I did not want to be with you.
At the lake yesterday, I was trying to run, but everything reminded me of you. The chop on the water, the white caps, the boats in the distance. I knew that they fishermen were going for crappie, because for 12 years, you drilled crappie season into my head. I knew what their poles were rigged with, because it was important to you that I know it. The part that hurts, is that you imposed fishing on me even when I told you I didn't like it. And then you had no interest in finding another common interest with me. Wait, wait... there was diving. But it "cost too much".... Nel, I'm spending at least $800 a month on living expenses .... we couldn't afford $100 on me so that we would have a pasttime in common?
Alas, but all of that is so far in the past, it makes my head spin! Last year was too late. You made a disaster out of the year before last by urging me to do things I knew weren't right for me at the time... and then you became hateful and depressed and despondant.
Why did you feel so beholden to the things that other people said/felt/thought? I think you had a weak spirit when it came to what you really wanted. Either that, or you imposed me on yourself as a sort of love-hate punishment.
Total revelation
Nelson, marriages are not supposed to be love-hate relationships. I hated you almost as much as I hated my sister. And I also loved you that much too. It just hurts too much to go on.
Goodbye and good luck my friend.
Josie Marie