Dear Nelson,

I hate you. I want to stop crying. I feel like I am falling apart and I still am strong for everyone else, so I am not a burden to them. The remnants of what was our relationship is wreaking havoc on my mental condition.

Why did you let me slip away? I didn't ever plan on it ending like it did. You turned my good feeling for you to something ugly. You didn't try when you could have.

So many nights I prayed and cried out for your love... cried out for you to be there with me and all you did was let me down by not being here for me. I still cry all of the time about the lonliness I felt. I hate how you still affect my life. I hate how I am happy and then your old injuries come and stab me again.

All I ever tried to do was love you and help you and you wouldn't let me do that. I hurt so much. Because I am lonely. You make me doubt my attributes. You make me doubt myself. You make me doubt that there is anything of quality in my life. I hate you for taking my childhood.

I am th age my mom was, when I was a little girl. And I don't have any little girls or little boys. I am so raw with pain, I can't even talk to the people who love me the most. A brave face does not last long, but long enough to get everyone to stop worrying. The truth is that I sometimes am just as destrutive as I ever was.

Something happened today. I would have bragged to you about it, but it was hurtful to me and I finally stood up for myself to one who would hurt and use me. I always thought the best of everyone and I feel like I am lost faith in everyone when someone shakes it.

I don't know if I can do this much longer. I want and need to be independent and I still can't do it. It's like you did something to me so taht I don't believe that I deserve goodness, happiness, friends, financial security.

Nelson, I really though we would make it. I was scared, but I thought we would be ok. You didn't try. I wanted you to try. I wanted you to care.

The countless number of times that I cried myself to sleep because of you are lost forever. I stayed up late studying and making you dinner. You stayed up how many times? Oh yeah, you fuck. Never.

I feel so fucking worhtless. How else could I feel when thinking about our failure together. Why won't you get out of my head? I unpacked the mugs you pack for me and left at the house. You were alwast indescriminate with what you wrapped dishes when we moved. You wrapped my mugs in a surgical cloth and a curtain. Dumb fuck.

I hate moving. I want to live here for a long time, partly because I want MY place to be the one that I always think of, after I leave Oklahoma again one day. I don't think of you much, but when I do, you are everywhere. I did every for you, damn it. Everything. Even when I became infatuated with others, my head was grounded enough to take care of you.

There is not fucking enegy left in my life. I have goodness but I can't enjoye it because I am so sad. God help me.

Josie