I'm not sure what you're afraid of... but it shouldn't have been me. I was always trying to be a team with you. And you always said that we could take care of things alone. The email you just sent was awful. You think that because I incurred an expense, that I should bear the cosst of it. You think that since I didn't earn as much as you... I shouldn't spend as much as you.
Every home we lived in, I painted every room. Replaced electrical switches and sockets, light fixtures, installed ceiling fans, mowed the lawn, shopped, planned meals, cooked, washed the laundry.
You are a son of a bitch. I mean it. Your mom is a bitch. You think that by keeping things under wraps, that I'll be able to be bullied easier. You want a fight? Let's fitght. It will cost you more in the end. You are a sorry bastard and I am so glad you're gone.
I hope they don't give you your guns back. No one needs to be afriad of you.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Sunday, April 25, 2004
What I'm trying to say... is ... Goodbye
Dear Nelson,
I found a few sets of prose that seem to say what I'm feeling...
It seems that Life
Could be compared to a giant jigsaw puzzle
With each person like each piece
Having a place where they fit perfectly
Yet so many in there need to belong...
Grab the first place they come to
Then try to make it fit
And because of this
They are never quite in harmony
With their adjoining pieces
Thus they never get to know
The way it was truly
Meant to be
````
I'm sorry that things turned out this way...
But I don't think that we were meant to be.
`````
I don't think it was selfish
That I wanted to be with you
That I wanted to share your laughter
That I wanted to protect you from your fears
That I wanted to be a part of your Life
But I admit I had my needs
I needed understanding
I needed someone to hold
I needed someone to talk to
For you can only hold a pillow
For so long
And there's only so much you can say
To a dog
````
We must realize
That others exist for us
Primarily in our own minds
And what they are
Is what we interpret
Them to be
And in many cases
The qualities they possess
Are qualities we give to them
So when someone does not live up
To what we expect them to be
We should not only question them
But also our expectations
````
All of us are born with the need to share
our lives with someone. During the years
the fulfillment of this need can be the cause
of constant concern and occasional pain.
For it can’t be fulfilled by one person
reaching, but only when two are willing
to meet halfway
`````
Nel... why were we such a roller coaster? Why such a disaster?
````
The pain we feel
When someone leaves our life
Is in direct proportion
To the joy they bring
While a part of our life
`````
From time to time
Two paths will cross
Then merge together
To appear to be one
And as such will travel
Many miles
But so often
The fortunes of the World
Make it necessary
For them to separate
In order to reach
Their own Destinations
Always,
Josie
I found a few sets of prose that seem to say what I'm feeling...
It seems that Life
Could be compared to a giant jigsaw puzzle
With each person like each piece
Having a place where they fit perfectly
Yet so many in there need to belong...
Grab the first place they come to
Then try to make it fit
And because of this
They are never quite in harmony
With their adjoining pieces
Thus they never get to know
The way it was truly
Meant to be
````
I'm sorry that things turned out this way...
But I don't think that we were meant to be.
`````
I don't think it was selfish
That I wanted to be with you
That I wanted to share your laughter
That I wanted to protect you from your fears
That I wanted to be a part of your Life
But I admit I had my needs
I needed understanding
I needed someone to hold
I needed someone to talk to
For you can only hold a pillow
For so long
And there's only so much you can say
To a dog
````
We must realize
That others exist for us
Primarily in our own minds
And what they are
Is what we interpret
Them to be
And in many cases
The qualities they possess
Are qualities we give to them
So when someone does not live up
To what we expect them to be
We should not only question them
But also our expectations
````
All of us are born with the need to share
our lives with someone. During the years
the fulfillment of this need can be the cause
of constant concern and occasional pain.
For it can’t be fulfilled by one person
reaching, but only when two are willing
to meet halfway
`````
Nel... why were we such a roller coaster? Why such a disaster?
````
The pain we feel
When someone leaves our life
Is in direct proportion
To the joy they bring
While a part of our life
`````
From time to time
Two paths will cross
Then merge together
To appear to be one
And as such will travel
Many miles
But so often
The fortunes of the World
Make it necessary
For them to separate
In order to reach
Their own Destinations
Always,
Josie
Monday, April 19, 2004
Speachless...
Dear Nelson,
We just got off the phone. I was pretty worried about you since I needed to contact you and you haven't returned my calls or emails in a couple of weeks. This is what you said to me:
1) If I didn't file for divorce by mid-May, you were going to get an attorney.
2) You already unoficially have an attorney, and you won't say who.
3) You need to think about how much is your freedom worth to you?
We just got off the phone. I was pretty worried about you since I needed to contact you and you haven't returned my calls or emails in a couple of weeks. This is what you said to me:
1) If I didn't file for divorce by mid-May, you were going to get an attorney.
2) You already unoficially have an attorney, and you won't say who.
3) You need to think about how much is your freedom worth to you?
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Letting go...
Dear Nelson,
My counselor says that something good must've come from our relationship, our marriage... but I don't know what it is. Through all of the judgmental situations I experienced with you.. through the fights and threats and controlling behavior, we thought that we were better, more knowledable, more self-actualized than everyone else. We could have made it if we hadn't been so different.
The first instince is always to blame "if you were different.... then...." However I see now that we are and have always been incompatable. Only twice can I remember being completely at peace with you. The first was at the entire time at Casa Loma -- especially in the riding stable. The second was when we went canoing together -- especially the once on Gull Pond. Even in those instances... I did not trust that we were really on the right track. Something always shattered our moment of gladness. We would get cranky and you could never forget, even if you did forgive.
No, I didn't mean that. Sometimes you patted my shoulder and knew I was having a bad day. Damn you. We had a chance -- several chances. I hope you're happy waking up in that bed alone this morning. I keep wanting to tell you what you could have done to make me stay, but I did not want to be with you.
At the lake yesterday, I was trying to run, but everything reminded me of you. The chop on the water, the white caps, the boats in the distance. I knew that they fishermen were going for crappie, because for 12 years, you drilled crappie season into my head. I knew what their poles were rigged with, because it was important to you that I know it. The part that hurts, is that you imposed fishing on me even when I told you I didn't like it. And then you had no interest in finding another common interest with me. Wait, wait... there was diving. But it "cost too much".... Nel, I'm spending at least $800 a month on living expenses .... we couldn't afford $100 on me so that we would have a pasttime in common?
Alas, but all of that is so far in the past, it makes my head spin! Last year was too late. You made a disaster out of the year before last by urging me to do things I knew weren't right for me at the time... and then you became hateful and depressed and despondant.
Why did you feel so beholden to the things that other people said/felt/thought? I think you had a weak spirit when it came to what you really wanted. Either that, or you imposed me on yourself as a sort of love-hate punishment.
Total revelation
Nelson, marriages are not supposed to be love-hate relationships. I hated you almost as much as I hated my sister. And I also loved you that much too. It just hurts too much to go on.
Goodbye and good luck my friend.
Josie Marie
My counselor says that something good must've come from our relationship, our marriage... but I don't know what it is. Through all of the judgmental situations I experienced with you.. through the fights and threats and controlling behavior, we thought that we were better, more knowledable, more self-actualized than everyone else. We could have made it if we hadn't been so different.
The first instince is always to blame "if you were different.... then...." However I see now that we are and have always been incompatable. Only twice can I remember being completely at peace with you. The first was at the entire time at Casa Loma -- especially in the riding stable. The second was when we went canoing together -- especially the once on Gull Pond. Even in those instances... I did not trust that we were really on the right track. Something always shattered our moment of gladness. We would get cranky and you could never forget, even if you did forgive.
No, I didn't mean that. Sometimes you patted my shoulder and knew I was having a bad day. Damn you. We had a chance -- several chances. I hope you're happy waking up in that bed alone this morning. I keep wanting to tell you what you could have done to make me stay, but I did not want to be with you.
At the lake yesterday, I was trying to run, but everything reminded me of you. The chop on the water, the white caps, the boats in the distance. I knew that they fishermen were going for crappie, because for 12 years, you drilled crappie season into my head. I knew what their poles were rigged with, because it was important to you that I know it. The part that hurts, is that you imposed fishing on me even when I told you I didn't like it. And then you had no interest in finding another common interest with me. Wait, wait... there was diving. But it "cost too much".... Nel, I'm spending at least $800 a month on living expenses .... we couldn't afford $100 on me so that we would have a pasttime in common?
Alas, but all of that is so far in the past, it makes my head spin! Last year was too late. You made a disaster out of the year before last by urging me to do things I knew weren't right for me at the time... and then you became hateful and depressed and despondant.
Why did you feel so beholden to the things that other people said/felt/thought? I think you had a weak spirit when it came to what you really wanted. Either that, or you imposed me on yourself as a sort of love-hate punishment.
Total revelation
Nelson, marriages are not supposed to be love-hate relationships. I hated you almost as much as I hated my sister. And I also loved you that much too. It just hurts too much to go on.
Goodbye and good luck my friend.
Josie Marie
Saturday, April 10, 2004
Disgusting...
Dear Nelson,
Why did I ever go out with you? You were wearing plastic "snake-skin" boots and a flannel shirt on our first date. With V05 hairdressing in your curly blonde hair, that redneck mustache, the piss-yellow glasses, and your lip kept twitching. You probably went home and pissed yourself. And you wore Brut cologne -- that's gross and I can't believe I was so desperate that we ever went on a second date. Looking back.... you had nothing compared to the guy I was already dating.
It was my fault, really. Why? Because I didn't have the balls to tell my current boyfriend that it wasn't working for me. *I NEEDED A MAN, and you seemed to want me. So as long as you were nice, I went along. Right now, Nel... even though I'm in love with a wonderful man, I don't NEED a man. I feel entirely confident that (although it would be much less enjoyable), I
You know, it's funny that this man I'm in love with... he has so many qualities that I want in a man. He's charming, he's consistently passionate about me. He cares about his health and appearance. He will do a lot for me, but he won't give me everything... which is important to note. Pastor said once not too long ago "You may love someone enough to die for them.... but do you love them enough to live for them?" That means that you love them enough to chance for them. To want to be a better person. I think you always only wanted whatever I could give to you, and not what we could be together.
Nel, your body odor was disgusting too. I'm so glad to be rid of you some days... even with all of the time I spent to make our lives beautiful and wonderful. Sure, you were afriad of me and certainly you believed in your heart that I was a bitch. But you never knew me. This man, this love of my life, has taught me so many things... One, is that we can control how we feel about things, react to things. Another, is that we can't control anything else. In actuality, I knew this... but it was hard to remember this when you were always trying to control me.
You could certainly make the argument that I was a controlling person.... but I did not actively manipulate you. God, Nel... I loved you. I swear to God I meant it. That's why I fought so hard to stay with you even when I knew it was going downhill like a snowball headed for hell. You accused me and then retreated into your own little world.
Always,
Josie... hoping to become the bane of your existance.
*Or, at least I thought I did...
Why did I ever go out with you? You were wearing plastic "snake-skin" boots and a flannel shirt on our first date. With V05 hairdressing in your curly blonde hair, that redneck mustache, the piss-yellow glasses, and your lip kept twitching. You probably went home and pissed yourself. And you wore Brut cologne -- that's gross and I can't believe I was so desperate that we ever went on a second date. Looking back.... you had nothing compared to the guy I was already dating.
It was my fault, really. Why? Because I didn't have the balls to tell my current boyfriend that it wasn't working for me. *I NEEDED A MAN, and you seemed to want me. So as long as you were nice, I went along. Right now, Nel... even though I'm in love with a wonderful man, I don't NEED a man. I feel entirely confident that (although it would be much less enjoyable), I
You know, it's funny that this man I'm in love with... he has so many qualities that I want in a man. He's charming, he's consistently passionate about me. He cares about his health and appearance. He will do a lot for me, but he won't give me everything... which is important to note. Pastor said once not too long ago "You may love someone enough to die for them.... but do you love them enough to live for them?" That means that you love them enough to chance for them. To want to be a better person. I think you always only wanted whatever I could give to you, and not what we could be together.
Nel, your body odor was disgusting too. I'm so glad to be rid of you some days... even with all of the time I spent to make our lives beautiful and wonderful. Sure, you were afriad of me and certainly you believed in your heart that I was a bitch. But you never knew me. This man, this love of my life, has taught me so many things... One, is that we can control how we feel about things, react to things. Another, is that we can't control anything else. In actuality, I knew this... but it was hard to remember this when you were always trying to control me.
You could certainly make the argument that I was a controlling person.... but I did not actively manipulate you. God, Nel... I loved you. I swear to God I meant it. That's why I fought so hard to stay with you even when I knew it was going downhill like a snowball headed for hell. You accused me and then retreated into your own little world.
Always,
Josie... hoping to become the bane of your existance.
*Or, at least I thought I did...
Friday, April 09, 2004
You Stinkin' Rat-Bastard!
Okay, Nel, something made me so angry this morning, I couldn't see straight for a minute. There's a lot of bad feelings surrounding the Holidays... Easter included. Last year I listened to your damn mother accuse Christians of "making up" something to believe in. Also, her passive agression was only equalled by your own.
Last year, I kept running around the mountain. I was trying to get away from you freaks! Why that far, you ask? Why 3 miles at a clip? Because I climbed the rock out by the shore, so that I got good cell reception. So that I could speak with my someone who loves me. My desperation to find a way out of our sham of a marriage was equalled only by the pain and agony I was feeling because I was emotionally attached to a man who I'd never met. Can I go there? Dare I say I was in love with him, or was it the idea of him? Let's get this one thing straight: I'd been looking for someone to fill my heart and soul with the love you refused me. Been looking for at least 5 years, if not longer. So when this wonderful man came into my life and swept me off my feet.... Nel, he brought light back into my life. We talked. We walked. We encouraged eachother. We supported and loved eachother unashamed. And last Easter, I told him I couldn't betray the committment which I made to you. That was not exactly what I was hoping it would be. Nel, we talked that morning and I redirected my efforts in trying to get you to come around. I told my best friend in the universe... that I was and wanted to remain true to you. The fact is, that's probably the last time I felt that way and I regreted not being able to be with him every second until the first time that we met.
I'm totally bitter with you about all of that. But I need to Thank U for not doing anything else.... because if you had... I might not be with the love of my life right now.
By the way, Nel... I am going to write a book. There are so many manuals and magazines about how to get married. Checklists about 2 weeks before... 2 days before.... 2 months and so on and so forth. Josie is going to write a book about how a savvy woman can get a divorce without paying a lawyer. I'm going to smoke your ass in the mean-time, because it'll all be income I generated after we separated. So there.
Last year, I kept running around the mountain. I was trying to get away from you freaks! Why that far, you ask? Why 3 miles at a clip? Because I climbed the rock out by the shore, so that I got good cell reception. So that I could speak with my someone who loves me. My desperation to find a way out of our sham of a marriage was equalled only by the pain and agony I was feeling because I was emotionally attached to a man who I'd never met. Can I go there? Dare I say I was in love with him, or was it the idea of him? Let's get this one thing straight: I'd been looking for someone to fill my heart and soul with the love you refused me. Been looking for at least 5 years, if not longer. So when this wonderful man came into my life and swept me off my feet.... Nel, he brought light back into my life. We talked. We walked. We encouraged eachother. We supported and loved eachother unashamed. And last Easter, I told him I couldn't betray the committment which I made to you. That was not exactly what I was hoping it would be. Nel, we talked that morning and I redirected my efforts in trying to get you to come around. I told my best friend in the universe... that I was and wanted to remain true to you. The fact is, that's probably the last time I felt that way and I regreted not being able to be with him every second until the first time that we met.
I'm totally bitter with you about all of that. But I need to Thank U for not doing anything else.... because if you had... I might not be with the love of my life right now.
By the way, Nel... I am going to write a book. There are so many manuals and magazines about how to get married. Checklists about 2 weeks before... 2 days before.... 2 months and so on and so forth. Josie is going to write a book about how a savvy woman can get a divorce without paying a lawyer. I'm going to smoke your ass in the mean-time, because it'll all be income I generated after we separated. So there.
Monday, March 29, 2004
Coming back into town tomorrow
Dear Nelson,
I've been on vacation for a week and a half, and really been enjoying myself. Today, I'm coming home from vacation, and back to all of the issues and problems of which you are a part. It's really hit me lately that the end of our marriage was something I was against, even as late as the day before you went crazy...
But I was tired of holding things together for you... it certainly wasn't for me, as I had been miserable for years, and told anyone who would listen to me. I refuse to feel guilty for getting on with a life that had been suspended by taking care of you, catering to your non-motivation, laziness, what-have-you. You formed and shaped and controlled me by not taking care of your health or hygene (plus, that was kinda gross).
Nel, I really did love you, and I really did try. The fact that you are so hostile and passive aggressive when you say that you still want me... that's just a ruse. You don't want me -- you want a wife. No, not every moment we had was unbearable, but the way you kept me was the hope of good times. You went too far and I was tired, in the end, of covering for you. I'm glad I'm done playing your game. Even though I wish I wasn't so depressed by my failure as a wife.
Josie
I've been on vacation for a week and a half, and really been enjoying myself. Today, I'm coming home from vacation, and back to all of the issues and problems of which you are a part. It's really hit me lately that the end of our marriage was something I was against, even as late as the day before you went crazy...
But I was tired of holding things together for you... it certainly wasn't for me, as I had been miserable for years, and told anyone who would listen to me. I refuse to feel guilty for getting on with a life that had been suspended by taking care of you, catering to your non-motivation, laziness, what-have-you. You formed and shaped and controlled me by not taking care of your health or hygene (plus, that was kinda gross).
Nel, I really did love you, and I really did try. The fact that you are so hostile and passive aggressive when you say that you still want me... that's just a ruse. You don't want me -- you want a wife. No, not every moment we had was unbearable, but the way you kept me was the hope of good times. You went too far and I was tired, in the end, of covering for you. I'm glad I'm done playing your game. Even though I wish I wasn't so depressed by my failure as a wife.
Josie
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Humph!
Nelson,
I talked to you a few times last week. I feel like we're drifting apart a lot. I sometimes miss the closeness that I thought we had. I can't even remember right now, why I'm writing here. I think I had something to diss on you about... but I'm too excited to go and see California (and everything else that ensues).... Take Care,
Joey
I talked to you a few times last week. I feel like we're drifting apart a lot. I sometimes miss the closeness that I thought we had. I can't even remember right now, why I'm writing here. I think I had something to diss on you about... but I'm too excited to go and see California (and everything else that ensues).... Take Care,
Joey
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Toronto, Ont.
That's where we went on our honeymoon... It was a nice place. We were so young and just starting to decide what was right for us, in our lives... how could things slide downhill so horribly? I trusted you to be a spiritual strength, and not a sink in our marriage. I looked to you, to give us direction. As our good friend once told us -- her mom was the same way, and the thing that she wanted so desperately... she eventually became, thus emasculating her father.
As a man, you guys all would be inclined to blame her mom for being a "bitch"... but for the love of your marriage, your wife, your kids, your country, and especially your God... GROW SOME BALLS MAN, and own up to your responsibility that lies within!
I hate you, Nelson, for letting me flop and flounder for so many years, thinking that something was wrong with me... when it was your neglect that drove me to the lives we lead now.
As a man, you guys all would be inclined to blame her mom for being a "bitch"... but for the love of your marriage, your wife, your kids, your country, and especially your God... GROW SOME BALLS MAN, and own up to your responsibility that lies within!
I hate you, Nelson, for letting me flop and flounder for so many years, thinking that something was wrong with me... when it was your neglect that drove me to the lives we lead now.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
I'd left you a long time ago
Dear Nelson,
You think that my leaving you was something that happened suddenly. You had warning after warning from me. We discussed divorce on several occasions. I'm surprised at you! Well, mainly your short memory. Do you remember the time we went to church in 2001? Afterward, we ate at a mexican restaurant and I just sat there and asked you if there was joy in your life. There was none in mine and I sat there and cried while you ate your fucking fajitas. (There was never a time when you didn't show me that I didn't love you if I didn't give in to you incessant need for disgusting plates o' slop. That's all mexican food is, you know... Sloppy slop with beans and cheese. I love Chinese food and we ate it together exactly one time since we lived in this state.) So that evening after church and dinner, we went to a park and discussed ending our relationship. You told me that you loved me and wanted us to work out. I naively believed that things would change. The one time in our entire marriage, Nelson, when you were the positive one... the one time when you pulled yourself out of the murk and probably saw that we were losing it. It scared you bad enough to try. But here we are, just a few short years later, and you didn't keep trying and I don't trust you anymore. And I'm not crying today either. Fancy that.
Josie
You think that my leaving you was something that happened suddenly. You had warning after warning from me. We discussed divorce on several occasions. I'm surprised at you! Well, mainly your short memory. Do you remember the time we went to church in 2001? Afterward, we ate at a mexican restaurant and I just sat there and asked you if there was joy in your life. There was none in mine and I sat there and cried while you ate your fucking fajitas. (There was never a time when you didn't show me that I didn't love you if I didn't give in to you incessant need for disgusting plates o' slop. That's all mexican food is, you know... Sloppy slop with beans and cheese. I love Chinese food and we ate it together exactly one time since we lived in this state.) So that evening after church and dinner, we went to a park and discussed ending our relationship. You told me that you loved me and wanted us to work out. I naively believed that things would change. The one time in our entire marriage, Nelson, when you were the positive one... the one time when you pulled yourself out of the murk and probably saw that we were losing it. It scared you bad enough to try. But here we are, just a few short years later, and you didn't keep trying and I don't trust you anymore. And I'm not crying today either. Fancy that.
Josie
Picking up where we left off...
So I threatened to leave you every time we had a fight and that was no way to live. Simply put, I just didn't want to leave.. so I told you I wouldn't, and that things were okay.
But that didn't keep me from hoping that my June vacation (the one where Mark offered to pick me up and take me back to Utah with him) was not ruined: you first gave me "permission" to go with Mark, which you later recinded. Why? Because it looked terrible. Even I saw that. But I hinted and wondered and questioned... for a single moment, I had hoped that Mark would swing by that night anways. You were at work and I made dinner. I stayed up all night, hoping with each set of passing headlights, that my knight was getting ready to sweep me off my feet.
There was a time when he promised to be there for me thick and thin. He likened me to a roller-coaster ride... and said he was still having fun; that he hadn't got off yet. Somewhere along the line, I think he did... but I was ready and willing to leave with him that night, and not come back. We had an agreement that if I left you, I could stay with him indefinitely... up to two whole weeks! LOL
And when we were going through all of this, Nel, you never really thought I'd leave, ever. (Even when Dr. Jeckyll confronted you about your fear of me leaving... you admitted that you thought I would never leave). Subtly, you realized that I had a real problem with the lack of sex in our relationship. Not just intercourse, but kissing and touching and intimacy. How you ever got the idea that I should pursue my fantasies with women, I'll never know -- you were always the most jealous person.
(Sidebar) Nel, I hate you for all of these changes. Remember Thursdays, in Waterford, when we ate at the Village Place every week? Tomato soup and the blue-plate special for me... Turkey Nachos for you.. and we'd split a piece of mile-high chocolate or coconut or banana cream pie. Looking back, even though Waterford wasn't the happiest for you.. we were both still trying. And back when we dated every week, we talked and had things in common, and knew what was going on with eachother's work. (end of Sidebar)
What about this bisexuality thing? Somehow you planted it in my head that it was okay to act on it. Even though, dear Nel, you know that I was the least straying and most loyal wife to be found. So I fantasized and then told you I was bi. There was a month of bliss, when you and I discussed it all within context of my new emerging sexuality. We had a peaceful calm that, if it had lasted, I would be a happy woman today. But your jealousy flared quickly when IT started communicating with me.
Nel, I have a real problem with people who do not stand firm in their convictions. You would always set aside your convictions if someone else was going to give me something or pay my way. I have news for you: money isn't everything, and neither are possessions! You thought it was all about your "allowing" me to have something you would not provide. Here's a hint: if a man is buying your wife dinner, giving her tokens of appreciation and other things... what, exactly, do you think is going on there? If you ignore her enough, she'll start looking at the other guy as though he's her husband. Remember that, loser, unless you want your second marriage to be as crappy at your first!
My point is this: I could have and would have gone the rest of my life without acting out my fantasies... but you encouraged me and I trusted you. Nel, I am in love with a man. He is good and strong and adventurous and willing to put himself on the line, to love me. Even though he fully accepts my past... I would gladly never date another woman for him. Because he gives me all of those things that you simply refused to give.
I am sick of talking to you on the phone, listening to you say "HEY, YOU KNOW, WE DID HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES IN OUR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!" You know what? That's the only reason I stayed as long as I did. And I didn't even leave when it got tough... not even when the bad started outweighing the good. NEL, I stayed until there was nothing left to stay for.
You say that NOW is the time for us to be working together. It doesn't even matter, because you gave it no effort then.. and you give it no effort now. I'm glad you'll never read this, because I can tell you that if you'd ever tried, you might have had a chance. Even now, you could call... email... ask me how I am a little more often. But you have this fucking self-righteous sense of hurt about you. I REALLY LOVED YOU. And you think that I don't love you anymore. You know what? If I wanted to be there, I would be.... I don't love you like I used to. How could I?
But that didn't keep me from hoping that my June vacation (the one where Mark offered to pick me up and take me back to Utah with him) was not ruined: you first gave me "permission" to go with Mark, which you later recinded. Why? Because it looked terrible. Even I saw that. But I hinted and wondered and questioned... for a single moment, I had hoped that Mark would swing by that night anways. You were at work and I made dinner. I stayed up all night, hoping with each set of passing headlights, that my knight was getting ready to sweep me off my feet.
There was a time when he promised to be there for me thick and thin. He likened me to a roller-coaster ride... and said he was still having fun; that he hadn't got off yet. Somewhere along the line, I think he did... but I was ready and willing to leave with him that night, and not come back. We had an agreement that if I left you, I could stay with him indefinitely... up to two whole weeks! LOL
And when we were going through all of this, Nel, you never really thought I'd leave, ever. (Even when Dr. Jeckyll confronted you about your fear of me leaving... you admitted that you thought I would never leave). Subtly, you realized that I had a real problem with the lack of sex in our relationship. Not just intercourse, but kissing and touching and intimacy. How you ever got the idea that I should pursue my fantasies with women, I'll never know -- you were always the most jealous person.
(Sidebar) Nel, I hate you for all of these changes. Remember Thursdays, in Waterford, when we ate at the Village Place every week? Tomato soup and the blue-plate special for me... Turkey Nachos for you.. and we'd split a piece of mile-high chocolate or coconut or banana cream pie. Looking back, even though Waterford wasn't the happiest for you.. we were both still trying. And back when we dated every week, we talked and had things in common, and knew what was going on with eachother's work. (end of Sidebar)
What about this bisexuality thing? Somehow you planted it in my head that it was okay to act on it. Even though, dear Nel, you know that I was the least straying and most loyal wife to be found. So I fantasized and then told you I was bi. There was a month of bliss, when you and I discussed it all within context of my new emerging sexuality. We had a peaceful calm that, if it had lasted, I would be a happy woman today. But your jealousy flared quickly when IT started communicating with me.
Nel, I have a real problem with people who do not stand firm in their convictions. You would always set aside your convictions if someone else was going to give me something or pay my way. I have news for you: money isn't everything, and neither are possessions! You thought it was all about your "allowing" me to have something you would not provide. Here's a hint: if a man is buying your wife dinner, giving her tokens of appreciation and other things... what, exactly, do you think is going on there? If you ignore her enough, she'll start looking at the other guy as though he's her husband. Remember that, loser, unless you want your second marriage to be as crappy at your first!
My point is this: I could have and would have gone the rest of my life without acting out my fantasies... but you encouraged me and I trusted you. Nel, I am in love with a man. He is good and strong and adventurous and willing to put himself on the line, to love me. Even though he fully accepts my past... I would gladly never date another woman for him. Because he gives me all of those things that you simply refused to give.
I am sick of talking to you on the phone, listening to you say "HEY, YOU KNOW, WE DID HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES IN OUR MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!" You know what? That's the only reason I stayed as long as I did. And I didn't even leave when it got tough... not even when the bad started outweighing the good. NEL, I stayed until there was nothing left to stay for.
You say that NOW is the time for us to be working together. It doesn't even matter, because you gave it no effort then.. and you give it no effort now. I'm glad you'll never read this, because I can tell you that if you'd ever tried, you might have had a chance. Even now, you could call... email... ask me how I am a little more often. But you have this fucking self-righteous sense of hurt about you. I REALLY LOVED YOU. And you think that I don't love you anymore. You know what? If I wanted to be there, I would be.... I don't love you like I used to. How could I?
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
Let's talk about sex
Nelson,
In your email this morning, you mentioned about my bisexuality; my exploring sexual relationships with women as a reason that our marriage was a failure. You need to understand that this had nothing to do with creating the issues that you and I suffered -- rather, it was a symptom of a horrific problem.
You always witheld sex from me because either it was "bad" or "addictave" or you were tired or didn't feel well, or (says you) I'd done something wrong and you were not going to reward bad behaviour with sex... even when you wanted it. I confided to you in Minneapolis, in 2001, that I felt as though I could love more people and that freaked you out. You thought that I was talking about men... what I actually meant was Mark. Two months later, I met Mark for the first time.
Little did I know at the time, he felt I was a lunatic... but we talked long and hard about my unhappiness as a person. You and I had the worst fight of our entire marriage, because you were so insanely jealous of him. Mark and I talked every day at the office, and every night over dinner, museums, parks, coffee, etc. He told me about everyone he ever knew who'd had a divorce. I asked lots of questions. He suggested that I protect myself and try to emerge in one piece. After he left, in October 2001, I gave you until 1 June 2002 to change. If not, I planned on leaving you.
Through April, we fought just awful and I threatened to leave all of the time...
more to come later...
jos
In your email this morning, you mentioned about my bisexuality; my exploring sexual relationships with women as a reason that our marriage was a failure. You need to understand that this had nothing to do with creating the issues that you and I suffered -- rather, it was a symptom of a horrific problem.
You always witheld sex from me because either it was "bad" or "addictave" or you were tired or didn't feel well, or (says you) I'd done something wrong and you were not going to reward bad behaviour with sex... even when you wanted it. I confided to you in Minneapolis, in 2001, that I felt as though I could love more people and that freaked you out. You thought that I was talking about men... what I actually meant was Mark. Two months later, I met Mark for the first time.
Little did I know at the time, he felt I was a lunatic... but we talked long and hard about my unhappiness as a person. You and I had the worst fight of our entire marriage, because you were so insanely jealous of him. Mark and I talked every day at the office, and every night over dinner, museums, parks, coffee, etc. He told me about everyone he ever knew who'd had a divorce. I asked lots of questions. He suggested that I protect myself and try to emerge in one piece. After he left, in October 2001, I gave you until 1 June 2002 to change. If not, I planned on leaving you.
Through April, we fought just awful and I threatened to leave all of the time...
more to come later...
jos
I want to remember the bad stuff, not for the masochistic fun of it, but because I don't want a repeat in the future.
Nelson,
I know you were hurting yesterday, but it reminded me firsthand of why I'm leaving you. Do you really think that I won't fear you (even if, God forbid, I did come back to you), when you lose control and spew hatred in the manner which you did? Perhaps I've always been a bit controlling, but likewise you've never exhibited common sense. The restraint required for me to refrain from a chorus of "I hate you!"s is immense.
Josie
I know you were hurting yesterday, but it reminded me firsthand of why I'm leaving you. Do you really think that I won't fear you (even if, God forbid, I did come back to you), when you lose control and spew hatred in the manner which you did? Perhaps I've always been a bit controlling, but likewise you've never exhibited common sense. The restraint required for me to refrain from a chorus of "I hate you!"s is immense.
Josie
Sunday, March 07, 2004
Cocksucker
Nelson --
Fuck off and never talk to me again. Get out of my thoughts and dreams. Get your own damn life.
--Josie
Fuck off and never talk to me again. Get out of my thoughts and dreams. Get your own damn life.
--Josie
Friday, March 05, 2004
I believe it's Time for me to fly
Dear Nelson,
I need to talk to you. I want a divorce. We had our chance. A scad of chances. More tries than tears I've cried, and that's a lot. I'm getting on with my life, Nel. You are most assuredly getting on with your life. I can't exactly claim to be blameless, but neither can you. I loved you.
You took my 20s, but you can't have my 30s. You wounded my heart and my mind... never to trust the way I trusted you when you promised to protect me! Promises, promises. I'll trust myself, I guess. Unless you continue to make me believe that I can't make a decision that's believable, reasonable, and that floats. I'm walking out of the door of your life, Mister!
The lump in my throat will soften with time as will my heart. But I will never forget, never let it happen again, ever.
Goodbye,
Josie
I need to talk to you. I want a divorce. We had our chance. A scad of chances. More tries than tears I've cried, and that's a lot. I'm getting on with my life, Nel. You are most assuredly getting on with your life. I can't exactly claim to be blameless, but neither can you. I loved you.
You took my 20s, but you can't have my 30s. You wounded my heart and my mind... never to trust the way I trusted you when you promised to protect me! Promises, promises. I'll trust myself, I guess. Unless you continue to make me believe that I can't make a decision that's believable, reasonable, and that floats. I'm walking out of the door of your life, Mister!
The lump in my throat will soften with time as will my heart. But I will never forget, never let it happen again, ever.
Goodbye,
Josie
Taking the gloves off...
Dear Nelson...
I can call you by your name today. It doesn't sock me in the gut like a sucker punch. I want to be able to say goodbye without getting all mucked in the details. But I have to get mucked... because I have to remember how bad it was.
This is the number 1 topic: your seeming acceptance of my bisexuality. You thought you were helping me by "accepting" but not really accepting the fact that I had curiosities. You thought you were helping me by fostering my fantasies. In the end, my fantasies turned into realities with your "permission". In the end, Nelson, you claimed that your drunken-fests were to "deal" with my bisexuality. But you were the one that said that booze never solved anything.
Nelson, you are a hippocrite who is not in touch with his own feelings. You allowed money to come between what was right and what was wrong. Money came between us, because you chose to work and chose to neglect me. People came between us because you allowed me to go places I damn well knew I shouldn't go (like weekends with other men... friends, but men anyways), but I was so lonely, so empty without your presence. All I ever wanted was you, Nel.
But you ruined that by showing me that I did not matter to you. I'll agree that you were depressed. I'll agree that you seem much better now that you are on medication. But your attitude toward me has not changed. You want me to come to you, and ask for everything to be right again. I don't want to be right with you. That would be denying the very thing I am learning to trust and to cherish: Me!
Continually I pray, like the dippy-bird thing that takes water in through its beak. You know, the desk-toy paperweight thingy. When I'm full, I empty out (tears) and start right over again. I have to ask myself. And now I'm asking you: what did you want in a wife? What did you expect from me?
You claimed, Nelson, to love me -- and that you were showing me your love by giving me diamonds and rubies and working hard so I didn't have to. But the neglect... the lonely home. Nel, don't do that to your next wife. I would rather live in a grass hut in Tierra del Fuego with the love of my life, than to live in the fanciest of houses, alone. You always left me alone. I went to family and church functions alone. People were asking questions and I was embarassed.
Get on with your life, Nel. I am falling in love with the thought of a life the way I wanted it to be a dozen years ago.
Josie
I can call you by your name today. It doesn't sock me in the gut like a sucker punch. I want to be able to say goodbye without getting all mucked in the details. But I have to get mucked... because I have to remember how bad it was.
This is the number 1 topic: your seeming acceptance of my bisexuality. You thought you were helping me by "accepting" but not really accepting the fact that I had curiosities. You thought you were helping me by fostering my fantasies. In the end, my fantasies turned into realities with your "permission". In the end, Nelson, you claimed that your drunken-fests were to "deal" with my bisexuality. But you were the one that said that booze never solved anything.
Nelson, you are a hippocrite who is not in touch with his own feelings. You allowed money to come between what was right and what was wrong. Money came between us, because you chose to work and chose to neglect me. People came between us because you allowed me to go places I damn well knew I shouldn't go (like weekends with other men... friends, but men anyways), but I was so lonely, so empty without your presence. All I ever wanted was you, Nel.
But you ruined that by showing me that I did not matter to you. I'll agree that you were depressed. I'll agree that you seem much better now that you are on medication. But your attitude toward me has not changed. You want me to come to you, and ask for everything to be right again. I don't want to be right with you. That would be denying the very thing I am learning to trust and to cherish: Me!
Continually I pray, like the dippy-bird thing that takes water in through its beak. You know, the desk-toy paperweight thingy. When I'm full, I empty out (tears) and start right over again. I have to ask myself. And now I'm asking you: what did you want in a wife? What did you expect from me?
You claimed, Nelson, to love me -- and that you were showing me your love by giving me diamonds and rubies and working hard so I didn't have to. But the neglect... the lonely home. Nel, don't do that to your next wife. I would rather live in a grass hut in Tierra del Fuego with the love of my life, than to live in the fanciest of houses, alone. You always left me alone. I went to family and church functions alone. People were asking questions and I was embarassed.
Get on with your life, Nel. I am falling in love with the thought of a life the way I wanted it to be a dozen years ago.
Josie
Friday, February 27, 2004
It's really over...
Dear Nelson,
There was about 3 nanoseconds last night, when I missed you. Your email to me gave me this little glimmer of hope that you are getting it. But Nel, you don't get it. You believe that the control was a product of the unhappiness. However my unhappiness was a product of your control.
True, I hated you with all that I have and all that I am, when you showed fear of me. I looked at you with disgust and disdain and disrespect, wondering why I settled for you. There was a time when the storms of my life were awful. You stirred them up higher and higher... only to create a safe harbor for me. I see now, that you did that as a natural reaction whenever you saw me pulling away. There was this story I read once, about a girl who had been raped. She told her new boyfriend about it and he took her to the edge and all but did it to her all over again... then he would hold her and talk sweet to her and "make it all better"... but Nel... essentially this is what you did to me. You threatened me and then made it "better".
But it's not better. I am in control of me now. And I am learning that you were right when you would tell people that I can take care of myself. I can. It always angered me when you told people that, because I thought you didn't care. I still think you were being lazy. But I know I can take care of me and I think that you could have supported me better. You think the same thing about me... so intead of arguing and going back and forth... why not just call it a wash?
I'm planning on calling you next Monday to say that it's over for good. You anger me when you allude to the fact that there's no turning back and no changing my mind once I've made it. Guess what? I prayed to God every single day that He show me the way in my marriage. If I was supposed to leave, I asked God to make my leaving something that HAD to be done, and moreover, something that could NOT be taken back.
If I have to say Goodbye seven times a day, then I will. I will find those words Nel, to explain to you that my heart does not overflow with love for you... maybe pity for what I thought we had but don't... but it ain't love honey.
Someday, you'll see I'm right, and I hope that until then, you're reasonably comfortable.
Josie
There was about 3 nanoseconds last night, when I missed you. Your email to me gave me this little glimmer of hope that you are getting it. But Nel, you don't get it. You believe that the control was a product of the unhappiness. However my unhappiness was a product of your control.
True, I hated you with all that I have and all that I am, when you showed fear of me. I looked at you with disgust and disdain and disrespect, wondering why I settled for you. There was a time when the storms of my life were awful. You stirred them up higher and higher... only to create a safe harbor for me. I see now, that you did that as a natural reaction whenever you saw me pulling away. There was this story I read once, about a girl who had been raped. She told her new boyfriend about it and he took her to the edge and all but did it to her all over again... then he would hold her and talk sweet to her and "make it all better"... but Nel... essentially this is what you did to me. You threatened me and then made it "better".
But it's not better. I am in control of me now. And I am learning that you were right when you would tell people that I can take care of myself. I can. It always angered me when you told people that, because I thought you didn't care. I still think you were being lazy. But I know I can take care of me and I think that you could have supported me better. You think the same thing about me... so intead of arguing and going back and forth... why not just call it a wash?
I'm planning on calling you next Monday to say that it's over for good. You anger me when you allude to the fact that there's no turning back and no changing my mind once I've made it. Guess what? I prayed to God every single day that He show me the way in my marriage. If I was supposed to leave, I asked God to make my leaving something that HAD to be done, and moreover, something that could NOT be taken back.
If I have to say Goodbye seven times a day, then I will. I will find those words Nel, to explain to you that my heart does not overflow with love for you... maybe pity for what I thought we had but don't... but it ain't love honey.
Someday, you'll see I'm right, and I hope that until then, you're reasonably comfortable.
Josie
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Flip-Flop-FlapJacks
Dear Nelson,
It hurt me today when you sent that email. It's like you finally saw what the hell I was trying to do. Only I'm so far past that part of my life, I'm sure we'll never pass that way again. Not together, anyways. You said that our marriage wouldn't be over unitl there was infidelity. In reality, you were unfaithful to me, with your mistress, fishing, hunting, and sometimes drinking. In reality, I was unfaithful to you with women. And now, in reality, I have been unfaithful to my marriage vows with a man.
What I can't understand is why you would forgive me all of the other crap... but you won't accept my leaving until I fuck someone else. Did you know that most marriages where infidelity occurs... they stay together? I think it's the serious lack of balls on the part of most human beings. I always told you that I would not sleep with anyone else until our marriage was over. I stuck to my part of the bargain. (the part that you didn't know, was that I waited to fall in love with this man until I told you it was over.... because I just can't and I just won't sleep with someone who I'm not in love with).
So I'm tired of your flippy-floppy acceptance of who I am... the fact that one minute you're strong, and the next minute, you're the passive loser that I knew for a decade. I think the biggest favor I've ever done you, is to leave your ass. Why? Because you're finally motivated to do something!
I always told you I found motivation attractive. I also always told you that I found your hair attractive. You chose to exhibit neither of these when we were married. It was a control scheme on your part. I hate you for that Nelson. I could have loved you right until the end. But you just couldn't (and, mind you, STILL can't) change yourself to do things my way. You're a stubborn asshole. Maybe I am too... but I'll be a stubborn asshole with a happy marriage with a man who actually loves and respects me, with my own career that my successful husband is not afraid of, and he has his own career, and we will support eachother. Those are the things that I so wanted for us. But you bailed first... so I can't wait until the day that you see that I'm happy without you. I can't wait.
--Joelle
It hurt me today when you sent that email. It's like you finally saw what the hell I was trying to do. Only I'm so far past that part of my life, I'm sure we'll never pass that way again. Not together, anyways. You said that our marriage wouldn't be over unitl there was infidelity. In reality, you were unfaithful to me, with your mistress, fishing, hunting, and sometimes drinking. In reality, I was unfaithful to you with women. And now, in reality, I have been unfaithful to my marriage vows with a man.
What I can't understand is why you would forgive me all of the other crap... but you won't accept my leaving until I fuck someone else. Did you know that most marriages where infidelity occurs... they stay together? I think it's the serious lack of balls on the part of most human beings. I always told you that I would not sleep with anyone else until our marriage was over. I stuck to my part of the bargain. (the part that you didn't know, was that I waited to fall in love with this man until I told you it was over.... because I just can't and I just won't sleep with someone who I'm not in love with).
So I'm tired of your flippy-floppy acceptance of who I am... the fact that one minute you're strong, and the next minute, you're the passive loser that I knew for a decade. I think the biggest favor I've ever done you, is to leave your ass. Why? Because you're finally motivated to do something!
I always told you I found motivation attractive. I also always told you that I found your hair attractive. You chose to exhibit neither of these when we were married. It was a control scheme on your part. I hate you for that Nelson. I could have loved you right until the end. But you just couldn't (and, mind you, STILL can't) change yourself to do things my way. You're a stubborn asshole. Maybe I am too... but I'll be a stubborn asshole with a happy marriage with a man who actually loves and respects me, with my own career that my successful husband is not afraid of, and he has his own career, and we will support eachother. Those are the things that I so wanted for us. But you bailed first... so I can't wait until the day that you see that I'm happy without you. I can't wait.
--Joelle
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Like a knife in my heart
Dear Nelson,
When we were living outside of Detroit, and you worked 2nd shift... I always worried because you drove all evening long. While your shift ended at Midnight, you often waited until 2 or 3 AM to come home. And your wife was always waiting for you with dinner. That was true, at least until I went back to college. Every single night. Because I loved you that much. Remember the time I made you custard filled chocolate eclairs on Valentine's day? And your favourite meal of scalloped potatoes and smoked pork chops? I worked all evening and you showed up at home, 3 hours late. I still stayed up with you and salvaged dinner and made a picnic on the livingroom floor. I lit candles and tried to make our new apartment a home for you.
Nel, it always concerned me when you would make decisions without consulting me. There were always the times you stopped at the bar on the way home. Only a few times a year, but it made me feel inadequate as a wife. I was waiting at home for you, and you found the only people you would talk to, were strangers at a bar! Or you would decide that we were going to see our folks every other weekend.
We never spent a whole weekend without going somewhere. We never made that apartment our home. It hurts me to think that we were so miserable there.
I hate thinking about the cats sometimes... because that was their first house. You couldn't even accept the love of a small animal! It had to be something in that screwed up, chemically imbalanced brain of yours... because they were just cats. And when they purred at you, it would make you cry. You hated Jonah even worse, for loving you.
There was that guy at your work who sold those stupid puzzle rings. I remember how badly you wanted one... and it would have been my distinct pleasure to buy you one. What happened? I think you bought one for yourself. I don't think it even fit right. And it was silver, so it was always a mess. Plus, you ended up losing it or something. Hell, who knows? Maybe you gave it to someone. God, do you have any idea how that killed me that you bought that ring for yourself? It was like you stabbing a knive into my heart.
Speaking of Detroit... that was the first time we threw eachother around the livingroom. I probably shoved you more, but you scared me worse. Especially when you slammed me against the door and held the kitchen knife to your chest and threatened to kill yourself. Nelson, that was in 1996. I should have left you then. You scared me so bad, I ran outside without my shoes on. I fell on the ice and hurt my knee so bad I couldn't walk. But I was afriad you were following me, so I kept running until I was behind the dumpster. I called my sister from my cell phone and was crying so hard. Until the other day, she thought you beat me up that night. So I hate her too, for not taking action. Nel... the way you screamed at me, broke my cordless phone, destroyed my favorite articles of clothing, and kicked the cats... Nel, that was abuse. I should have left you then.
After you were in the hospital while on vacation in 2002, I thought we had a new beginning -- you and I almost lost the love we had. Sometimes I wished that you would have died right there in the emergency room. We decided that we were going to rededicate our lives and love to one-another that summer. I wanted us to buy the claddagh rings and have a private ceremony in the woods. I had a spot all picked out and I wanted to give you my heart all over again. And summer came. And then autumn came. And then another year... and then another. You were dragging your feet all of the time. Then the year of our 10th anniversary came and I suggested that we take a nice anniversary trip. Do you have any idea how it gouged my heart out, when you thwarted my attempts to reach out to you? I could see our marriage slipping away... the life just slipped out of you some days. Even your flesh turned gray. And now you tell me that your tears were right at the surface? Damn you! Damn you for not telling me, for not talking to me, for letting me believe that I was a horrible wife.
Damn you, Nel, for telling me now, all of the things that I wanted you to say then. Our marriage is broken. It's not fixable. I just want the hurting to stop, so I can move forward and salvage and re-grow and reclaim my life.
Damn you! I don't think I have any anger left.
Josie
When we were living outside of Detroit, and you worked 2nd shift... I always worried because you drove all evening long. While your shift ended at Midnight, you often waited until 2 or 3 AM to come home. And your wife was always waiting for you with dinner. That was true, at least until I went back to college. Every single night. Because I loved you that much. Remember the time I made you custard filled chocolate eclairs on Valentine's day? And your favourite meal of scalloped potatoes and smoked pork chops? I worked all evening and you showed up at home, 3 hours late. I still stayed up with you and salvaged dinner and made a picnic on the livingroom floor. I lit candles and tried to make our new apartment a home for you.
Nel, it always concerned me when you would make decisions without consulting me. There were always the times you stopped at the bar on the way home. Only a few times a year, but it made me feel inadequate as a wife. I was waiting at home for you, and you found the only people you would talk to, were strangers at a bar! Or you would decide that we were going to see our folks every other weekend.
We never spent a whole weekend without going somewhere. We never made that apartment our home. It hurts me to think that we were so miserable there.
I hate thinking about the cats sometimes... because that was their first house. You couldn't even accept the love of a small animal! It had to be something in that screwed up, chemically imbalanced brain of yours... because they were just cats. And when they purred at you, it would make you cry. You hated Jonah even worse, for loving you.
There was that guy at your work who sold those stupid puzzle rings. I remember how badly you wanted one... and it would have been my distinct pleasure to buy you one. What happened? I think you bought one for yourself. I don't think it even fit right. And it was silver, so it was always a mess. Plus, you ended up losing it or something. Hell, who knows? Maybe you gave it to someone. God, do you have any idea how that killed me that you bought that ring for yourself? It was like you stabbing a knive into my heart.
Speaking of Detroit... that was the first time we threw eachother around the livingroom. I probably shoved you more, but you scared me worse. Especially when you slammed me against the door and held the kitchen knife to your chest and threatened to kill yourself. Nelson, that was in 1996. I should have left you then. You scared me so bad, I ran outside without my shoes on. I fell on the ice and hurt my knee so bad I couldn't walk. But I was afriad you were following me, so I kept running until I was behind the dumpster. I called my sister from my cell phone and was crying so hard. Until the other day, she thought you beat me up that night. So I hate her too, for not taking action. Nel... the way you screamed at me, broke my cordless phone, destroyed my favorite articles of clothing, and kicked the cats... Nel, that was abuse. I should have left you then.
After you were in the hospital while on vacation in 2002, I thought we had a new beginning -- you and I almost lost the love we had. Sometimes I wished that you would have died right there in the emergency room. We decided that we were going to rededicate our lives and love to one-another that summer. I wanted us to buy the claddagh rings and have a private ceremony in the woods. I had a spot all picked out and I wanted to give you my heart all over again. And summer came. And then autumn came. And then another year... and then another. You were dragging your feet all of the time. Then the year of our 10th anniversary came and I suggested that we take a nice anniversary trip. Do you have any idea how it gouged my heart out, when you thwarted my attempts to reach out to you? I could see our marriage slipping away... the life just slipped out of you some days. Even your flesh turned gray. And now you tell me that your tears were right at the surface? Damn you! Damn you for not telling me, for not talking to me, for letting me believe that I was a horrible wife.
Damn you, Nel, for telling me now, all of the things that I wanted you to say then. Our marriage is broken. It's not fixable. I just want the hurting to stop, so I can move forward and salvage and re-grow and reclaim my life.
Damn you! I don't think I have any anger left.
Josie
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Goodbye to You
Josie has some things that she wants to say to Nelson... So until further notice... Josie has the floor.
Dearest Nelson,
This is officially considered an attempt at a goodbye letter, #1. Damn you! Damn you to hell! Who do you think you are? What were you doing? Fuck you, you bastard! I gave you every fucking thing that I had in my brain... everything in my heart, my mind... I GAVE YOU MY BODY! And you fucked my mind with your "depression" you fucked my heart with your controlling ways, and you fucked over my soul because you never fucked me at all!Fuck you!
What the hell? I know I wasn't perfect... but what the fucking hell? I gave you everything. I never held back. Not even when I wanted to. I gave you every ounce of love that i could give and it never seemed to be enough to make you happy. Your condesending attitude that something was always wrong with me... Your fucking sitting in judgement of me and my friend. You know, you fucker, you stupd fucking rat-bastard of a fucking loser attempting to be an emotionally disturbed, and emotionally controlling life-mate.... YOU fucked over my life. And I let you.
That is al for now. Go to hell and rot there you fucker.
Josie Marie
Dearest Nelson,
This is officially considered an attempt at a goodbye letter, #1. Damn you! Damn you to hell! Who do you think you are? What were you doing? Fuck you, you bastard! I gave you every fucking thing that I had in my brain... everything in my heart, my mind... I GAVE YOU MY BODY! And you fucked my mind with your "depression" you fucked my heart with your controlling ways, and you fucked over my soul because you never fucked me at all!Fuck you!
What the hell? I know I wasn't perfect... but what the fucking hell? I gave you everything. I never held back. Not even when I wanted to. I gave you every ounce of love that i could give and it never seemed to be enough to make you happy. Your condesending attitude that something was always wrong with me... Your fucking sitting in judgement of me and my friend. You know, you fucker, you stupd fucking rat-bastard of a fucking loser attempting to be an emotionally disturbed, and emotionally controlling life-mate.... YOU fucked over my life. And I let you.
That is al for now. Go to hell and rot there you fucker.
Josie Marie
Topics to discuss:
1) Nelson accused Josie of treating him badly after taking an un-agreed-upon fishing trip (beginning of their marriage)
2) Nelson passed by the opportunity to work day shifts when he worked in Detroit
3) Nelson called Josie his fishing buddy for years... then once he called for his fishing buddy to meet him at the boat, and his Dad went out fishing with him. Josie was confused, to say the least. How many men call their wives by the same nicknames as they call their fathers?
4) Nelson promised for the preceeding week, and all weekend long, that their fishing trip was going to be a romantic weekend for the couple. Josie went trail-running while she waited for him. She was lonesome and called her friend Jim, in California. She was grieving for the love she thought she had but did not, and she cried out in the woods. At the end of the weekend, Nel said the only reason it wasn't a romantic weekend was because Jos wouldn't go out fishing at 5 AM with THEM (meaning Nel and his dad).
5) The Lori/IT thing.
6) Nel stayed calm whenever Jos would fuck up their checking account. She became apathetic because she simply didn't care about money -- Nelson was so stinking obsessive/compulsive about it. One minute working his ass off, and the next, spending his ass off. Never saving, it made Josie really angry that it was up to her to be responsible. Josie still can't keep a dime in her bank account, and she still has a difficult time balancing her check book. Mostly still out of apathy.
7) Josie's friendships with men... coworkers mostly... and how they were the positive male role models that she needed because Nelson refused to be there for her when she needed him. He would say "you can take care of yourself" and that hurt her.
8) Dr. Jekyll's assessment that Nelson's character would never change... his ambivalence is something that we did not want to, nor could we change.
9) Josie is sorry for her part in all of this. She feels guilty that her marriage did not last the way that everyone urged her to make it so. She sometimes hurt Nelson physically, sometimes emotionally, as she lashed out at him for the pain and sometimes horror of their marriage.
10) Josie's working with the "big boys" and how it made it difficult for her to open up at home and soften her heart and mind to the dedicated committment that she had to honour there.
11) Nelson's threats of suicide were merely an attempt to gain control of an "out of control" marital situation.
2) Nelson passed by the opportunity to work day shifts when he worked in Detroit
3) Nelson called Josie his fishing buddy for years... then once he called for his fishing buddy to meet him at the boat, and his Dad went out fishing with him. Josie was confused, to say the least. How many men call their wives by the same nicknames as they call their fathers?
4) Nelson promised for the preceeding week, and all weekend long, that their fishing trip was going to be a romantic weekend for the couple. Josie went trail-running while she waited for him. She was lonesome and called her friend Jim, in California. She was grieving for the love she thought she had but did not, and she cried out in the woods. At the end of the weekend, Nel said the only reason it wasn't a romantic weekend was because Jos wouldn't go out fishing at 5 AM with THEM (meaning Nel and his dad).
5) The Lori/IT thing.
6) Nel stayed calm whenever Jos would fuck up their checking account. She became apathetic because she simply didn't care about money -- Nelson was so stinking obsessive/compulsive about it. One minute working his ass off, and the next, spending his ass off. Never saving, it made Josie really angry that it was up to her to be responsible. Josie still can't keep a dime in her bank account, and she still has a difficult time balancing her check book. Mostly still out of apathy.
7) Josie's friendships with men... coworkers mostly... and how they were the positive male role models that she needed because Nelson refused to be there for her when she needed him. He would say "you can take care of yourself" and that hurt her.
8) Dr. Jekyll's assessment that Nelson's character would never change... his ambivalence is something that we did not want to, nor could we change.
9) Josie is sorry for her part in all of this. She feels guilty that her marriage did not last the way that everyone urged her to make it so. She sometimes hurt Nelson physically, sometimes emotionally, as she lashed out at him for the pain and sometimes horror of their marriage.
10) Josie's working with the "big boys" and how it made it difficult for her to open up at home and soften her heart and mind to the dedicated committment that she had to honour there.
11) Nelson's threats of suicide were merely an attempt to gain control of an "out of control" marital situation.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Some incidentals before we talk about their intimacy...
After their first date... Josie and Nelson spend every single day together until they were married, 23 months later (minus 7 days that Josie was a counselor at her church camp). Sometimes this was stifling to her, but he was always there. She took this to be a sign of him caring for her and loving her more than anything or anyone, ever. When they made mistakes, separate or together... they had a best friend in which to confide them... Nelson often suggested to Josie that he was her rock... that she didn't need to worry about her somtimes crazy decisions... because he would keep them a secret. Even to this day, as sick as it is... Josie trusts him not to tell.
But that is not the way it happened all of the time. Often, Nelson would bring up these things in front of Josie and his parents, John and Lynne. He would make fun of her and embarass her... all in the name of good fun. Josie hated that so much... but she loved Nelson. Sometimes to get back at him, she would tease him in front of her family. Then there was always hell to pay. Not in the form of physical abuse... but that Nel would want to see her... but he would not openly chat with her once they were together. He would talk down to her like a child sometimes.
Remember this is before the unlucky couple was even married. Josie knew Nelson had problems... she even urged him once or twice to seek counseling. He said that Josie was the one with problems. That Josie needed help. Josie said she didn't... but she really did start believing him.
More about treating her like a child...
Even before their marriage, Nelson made sure that Josie was financially dependent on him. She always had a job, and sometimes supported the unfortunate pair. But he knew the right things to say, to make her not trust herself. Recently Nelson told Josie how he loves to pay the bills and make sure that the house is ship-shape. Josie cried herself to sleep because she can barely pay her bills now, her house was a mess, she was sick, and her faith in Josie is ruined. She doesn't feel like she can make it and frankly, it would give her comfort if she knew that Nelson was ever right about something.
Josie sometimes would say to Nelson... "Stop treating me like a child!" To which he would reply "Stop acting like one"... and "you need to get yourself together... when you do, I will consider treating you like an adult again." The last time that happened was not even 6 months ago. Is it any wonder why Josie doesn't trust herself? She always trusted him. Now she trusts no one.
But that is not the way it happened all of the time. Often, Nelson would bring up these things in front of Josie and his parents, John and Lynne. He would make fun of her and embarass her... all in the name of good fun. Josie hated that so much... but she loved Nelson. Sometimes to get back at him, she would tease him in front of her family. Then there was always hell to pay. Not in the form of physical abuse... but that Nel would want to see her... but he would not openly chat with her once they were together. He would talk down to her like a child sometimes.
Remember this is before the unlucky couple was even married. Josie knew Nelson had problems... she even urged him once or twice to seek counseling. He said that Josie was the one with problems. That Josie needed help. Josie said she didn't... but she really did start believing him.
More about treating her like a child...
Even before their marriage, Nelson made sure that Josie was financially dependent on him. She always had a job, and sometimes supported the unfortunate pair. But he knew the right things to say, to make her not trust herself. Recently Nelson told Josie how he loves to pay the bills and make sure that the house is ship-shape. Josie cried herself to sleep because she can barely pay her bills now, her house was a mess, she was sick, and her faith in Josie is ruined. She doesn't feel like she can make it and frankly, it would give her comfort if she knew that Nelson was ever right about something.
Josie sometimes would say to Nelson... "Stop treating me like a child!" To which he would reply "Stop acting like one"... and "you need to get yourself together... when you do, I will consider treating you like an adult again." The last time that happened was not even 6 months ago. Is it any wonder why Josie doesn't trust herself? She always trusted him. Now she trusts no one.
Saturday, January 24, 2004
The "first" meeting....
At a turning point in her life, Josie was dating someone whose presence constantly made her cry. She later noted a friend who told of not being able to wait for her boyfriend to call and ask her out on a date... then, once he arrived, she would dread the remainder of the evening with him. This kind of ambivalence want not new to Jos. There wasn't really problems, per se, with Josie's and Pelligrino's relationship... but Josie felt like she wanted to move on and didn't know how. She never left one man but what she didn't have another. Josie would joke with her brother Jared about the fact that neither of them liked "getting rid of the old car" before they got a new one.
It was Jos's first year of college and she was experiencing new things, people, learning in a whole new life. Pellegrino was still a senior in high school, and his folkes expected that the two would marry shortly thereafter... and move to the Great White North, where Pell intended to study engineering. His folks expected Josie to be the consummate housewife, working while Pell was in school. Josie was never consulted about this and ever the one who wants to please... she didn't speak up until she was drowning in her own tears. One night, she asked Pell if they could date other people .. Pell said yes, but he wasn't going to date anyone else.
Jeannie got a job at a local fast food chain, and Josie started working there shortly thereafter. The first time Josie saw Nelson, he was cleaning a burger grill. Her first thought was "strong shoulders, nice a$$." She knew that she was still dating Pell... but she asked Jeannie to introduce her. Nelson was nice. Curly blonde hair... blue eyes. Funny. Josie forgot all about him when someone said he was 30, and that he was married with a little girl -- she was only 18!
By January, Nelson had hung out for hours before work, while Josie was washing the dishes... he would stand behind her and say "hey stuckup... fine, don't say hello to me"... One night, Jos threw her arms around him and gave him a full body hug. In the next few weeks, Jeannie opened her fat mouth to everyone at work, that Josie had a crush on Nelson. Jos wouldn't see Nel for almost a week, but she waited and wondered the whole time, whether or not Nel would ask her out. Jeannie said she heard that Nelson wanted to ask her out so she wrote him a dumb note.. it was on her birthday in 1992... and incidentally, on the night that Josie left him, he was still carrying that note in his wallet -- a full 12 years later. It read: "Dear Nelson, I heard something interesting... and in case you were wondering, I'm interested!! -- Josie"
Of course he asked her out... and it was a bit awkward on their first date, as Jeannie needed a ride home from work -- her car wouldn't start. It was 2 AM and Josie wanted Nel all to herself. They finally got Jeannie to go to sleep, and then they talked until 7 AM. They talked... they laughed...they cried together. Nelson gave Josie the first kiss he'd ever given anyone. Josie thought he was a bad kisser then. Funny thing... he never got better. She's a bit bitter about that now. But anyway.... Josie slept for a few hours after Nelson left, then called Pellegrino to break up with him.
At Pell's house, she apologized to him and did her best to explain that it all fell apart... it hadn't been right for the longest time.... and she was now with Nelson. It just hit Josie recently, how terribly it must have hurt him.. the way she broke up. It's no wonder that Pellegrino named his first baby after her. He would probably always hurt for her somewhere in his heart.
From that night on, Nel and Jos spent every evening together... before or after school or work... skipping school or work... through sickness, tiredness, arguing... whatever. They felt grateful to have found eachother... but always desperate. They felt as though there was a small window of opportunity for them in life, and they thought they had really beat the odds, to come together in the manner which they did. No one in Josie's life could make her as happy, or laugh as hard as Nelson. No one could brighten Nelson's day, or make him weep like Josie could.
Josie had been abused by boys in the past. She thought the only way that Nelson would continue to care for her, was if she put out.....
It was Jos's first year of college and she was experiencing new things, people, learning in a whole new life. Pellegrino was still a senior in high school, and his folkes expected that the two would marry shortly thereafter... and move to the Great White North, where Pell intended to study engineering. His folks expected Josie to be the consummate housewife, working while Pell was in school. Josie was never consulted about this and ever the one who wants to please... she didn't speak up until she was drowning in her own tears. One night, she asked Pell if they could date other people .. Pell said yes, but he wasn't going to date anyone else.
Jeannie got a job at a local fast food chain, and Josie started working there shortly thereafter. The first time Josie saw Nelson, he was cleaning a burger grill. Her first thought was "strong shoulders, nice a$$." She knew that she was still dating Pell... but she asked Jeannie to introduce her. Nelson was nice. Curly blonde hair... blue eyes. Funny. Josie forgot all about him when someone said he was 30, and that he was married with a little girl -- she was only 18!
By January, Nelson had hung out for hours before work, while Josie was washing the dishes... he would stand behind her and say "hey stuckup... fine, don't say hello to me"... One night, Jos threw her arms around him and gave him a full body hug. In the next few weeks, Jeannie opened her fat mouth to everyone at work, that Josie had a crush on Nelson. Jos wouldn't see Nel for almost a week, but she waited and wondered the whole time, whether or not Nel would ask her out. Jeannie said she heard that Nelson wanted to ask her out so she wrote him a dumb note.. it was on her birthday in 1992... and incidentally, on the night that Josie left him, he was still carrying that note in his wallet -- a full 12 years later. It read: "Dear Nelson, I heard something interesting... and in case you were wondering, I'm interested!! -- Josie"
Of course he asked her out... and it was a bit awkward on their first date, as Jeannie needed a ride home from work -- her car wouldn't start. It was 2 AM and Josie wanted Nel all to herself. They finally got Jeannie to go to sleep, and then they talked until 7 AM. They talked... they laughed...they cried together. Nelson gave Josie the first kiss he'd ever given anyone. Josie thought he was a bad kisser then. Funny thing... he never got better. She's a bit bitter about that now. But anyway.... Josie slept for a few hours after Nelson left, then called Pellegrino to break up with him.
At Pell's house, she apologized to him and did her best to explain that it all fell apart... it hadn't been right for the longest time.... and she was now with Nelson. It just hit Josie recently, how terribly it must have hurt him.. the way she broke up. It's no wonder that Pellegrino named his first baby after her. He would probably always hurt for her somewhere in his heart.
From that night on, Nel and Jos spent every evening together... before or after school or work... skipping school or work... through sickness, tiredness, arguing... whatever. They felt grateful to have found eachother... but always desperate. They felt as though there was a small window of opportunity for them in life, and they thought they had really beat the odds, to come together in the manner which they did. No one in Josie's life could make her as happy, or laugh as hard as Nelson. No one could brighten Nelson's day, or make him weep like Josie could.
Josie had been abused by boys in the past. She thought the only way that Nelson would continue to care for her, was if she put out.....
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Until Jeannie and her husband Bobby, left...
But Bobby went out looking for Nelson for half of the night. Did I mention that Josie had a difficult test to take at the University the next morning? The first one in this class... and it was a hard class!
When Nelson finally came home, Jeannie and Bobby decided not to spend the night, but traveled 2 hours home, at 1 am, in order for Josie to put her home back together. Josie, was one who listened to her momma (no matter how much her momma did not then and still does not think so)... and as such, she never went to bed without trying to make up. Nelson could hold a grudge like you've never seen before. Josie couldn't ever believe what she saw in Nelson, when he would hold an argument against her for 2 or three weeks afterward. But this night was a bit different.
Nelson told Josie that he felt like the guy in Pink Floyd's "The Wall" video. Nelson told her that it was about what suicide might feel like, and that suicide would be a viable alternative to listening to Josie's incessant ranting about everything day in and day out. Josie had mentioned the last time that Nel had a meltdown, that they would seek counseling. Josie thought that something was wrong with her, because no one should ever make their partner... their lover... feel as though they wanted to kill themselves.
It was almost two days later when the couple first went for counseling at the University Health Services (UHS). Josie didn't quite fail her test the day previous... and her best friend Fern helped her study in the pre-dawn hours of that day. Josie was almost certain that her marriage was over that morning. But she pulled herself together and managed to pull her marriage back together as well. Little did she know it would only last for 5 more years.
The counseling was little more than adequate, and Nelson, like always, cried and said he loved Josie. Jos is a woman who takes people at their word. Nel was not a man of his word (sadly, Jos just realized it within the last two to three weeks). He was working days during the week, and nights on the weekend. Nelson was always a bastard to Josie if he worked too hard and if he didn't get any sleep. The big breakthrough in counseling, was for Josie to ask Nelson to stop working nights.
He did, and they spent a little more time together. That is all Josie ever wanted. That is all she ever fucking wanted.
But Bobby went out looking for Nelson for half of the night. Did I mention that Josie had a difficult test to take at the University the next morning? The first one in this class... and it was a hard class!
When Nelson finally came home, Jeannie and Bobby decided not to spend the night, but traveled 2 hours home, at 1 am, in order for Josie to put her home back together. Josie, was one who listened to her momma (no matter how much her momma did not then and still does not think so)... and as such, she never went to bed without trying to make up. Nelson could hold a grudge like you've never seen before. Josie couldn't ever believe what she saw in Nelson, when he would hold an argument against her for 2 or three weeks afterward. But this night was a bit different.
Nelson told Josie that he felt like the guy in Pink Floyd's "The Wall" video. Nelson told her that it was about what suicide might feel like, and that suicide would be a viable alternative to listening to Josie's incessant ranting about everything day in and day out. Josie had mentioned the last time that Nel had a meltdown, that they would seek counseling. Josie thought that something was wrong with her, because no one should ever make their partner... their lover... feel as though they wanted to kill themselves.
It was almost two days later when the couple first went for counseling at the University Health Services (UHS). Josie didn't quite fail her test the day previous... and her best friend Fern helped her study in the pre-dawn hours of that day. Josie was almost certain that her marriage was over that morning. But she pulled herself together and managed to pull her marriage back together as well. Little did she know it would only last for 5 more years.
The counseling was little more than adequate, and Nelson, like always, cried and said he loved Josie. Jos is a woman who takes people at their word. Nel was not a man of his word (sadly, Jos just realized it within the last two to three weeks). He was working days during the week, and nights on the weekend. Nelson was always a bastard to Josie if he worked too hard and if he didn't get any sleep. The big breakthrough in counseling, was for Josie to ask Nelson to stop working nights.
He did, and they spent a little more time together. That is all Josie ever wanted. That is all she ever fucking wanted.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
No matter how much it hurts...
I am going to set forth the story of Nelson and Josie.... As was experienced by Josie. From start to finish... Although the finish part is still marinating on Josie's mind. Well, not from start to finish either, as Josie has an appreciation for stories that start in the middle.
So it was 5 years into a 10 year marriage when she first stood up to Nelson and put her foot down about all of this fighting. She was in her 2nd term at the U, after having gone back for her dream degree... So she could get her dream job. Nel always worked too much, was always tired. Josie's little sister Jeannie needed help in calculus, Josie and her friends were studying for a difficult mid-term. All Nelson wanted to do was go to bed. So he announced after dinner that he was doing just that. Josie loved him and asked him to spend 15 minutes with her before going to bed. Nelson became belligerent. Nelson screamed until all of Josie's friends left. Nelson pushed Josie down into the doorway and then Josie shoved him back (Josie doesn't really remember this part, as it was Jeannie that reminded her of this). Nelson grabbed his keys and drove off into the night. He would not come home until....
I am going to set forth the story of Nelson and Josie.... As was experienced by Josie. From start to finish... Although the finish part is still marinating on Josie's mind. Well, not from start to finish either, as Josie has an appreciation for stories that start in the middle.
So it was 5 years into a 10 year marriage when she first stood up to Nelson and put her foot down about all of this fighting. She was in her 2nd term at the U, after having gone back for her dream degree... So she could get her dream job. Nel always worked too much, was always tired. Josie's little sister Jeannie needed help in calculus, Josie and her friends were studying for a difficult mid-term. All Nelson wanted to do was go to bed. So he announced after dinner that he was doing just that. Josie loved him and asked him to spend 15 minutes with her before going to bed. Nelson became belligerent. Nelson screamed until all of Josie's friends left. Nelson pushed Josie down into the doorway and then Josie shoved him back (Josie doesn't really remember this part, as it was Jeannie that reminded her of this). Nelson grabbed his keys and drove off into the night. He would not come home until....
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